Sex

[Amazingstar344]

Please I need help.. I’ve always been a horny person I’ve always been interested in sex. I just need help figuring out what’s wrong with me I get horny whenever I watch porn or think about me and my fiancé having sex or when I see sexual videos of me and him together (I am a female by the way) but whenever we try to do something the feeling goes away I still engage in sexual acts we just have to use lube we’ve been using it ever since we took each other’s virginity and I don’t know why I don’t get horny from him touching me and caressing me it feels good in some areas just in my vaginal area it doesn’t feel as great for some reason. Sometimes whenever we do penetration it feels great not as great as people say it is but it feels nice other times it just feels like nothing. I don’t know if it’s from my past I was sexually abused multiple times as a kid but for some reason, it doesn’t affect me I don’t even hardly think about it. I do find my fiancé attractive and I do love him I just don’t know why I can’t get horny while trying to have a sexual encounter. By the way, it was like this before when I tried to have sex in the past with some exes of mine. Please help and if you need more details and info I’ll be glad to share it with you thank you!

[Latha]

Hi Amazingstar344!

We can definitely respond to your question, but I want to check something. Your last post was on a similar subject, and Willa responded to you with some suggestions. Were you able to try them? I just don't want to recommend things that you've already heard.

[Amazingstar344]

Yes we tried it didnt work for us:(

[Andy]

Hi there Amazingstar344,

I’m sorry to hear you have been struggling with this for so long, it can be really frustrating when the things you try end up not working.

First, I would like to touch on a few things you mentioned in your post. Having to use lube doesn’t mean someone is not aroused enough, lubrication is something that can make most kinds of sex more pleasurable and comfortable no matter how aroused the people having it are or if their bodies make a lot of fluids or not. So if a lubricant makes the sex you have better for you then that’s great that you use it! You also mentioned penetration doesn’t always feel as good as other people say, so just so you know, penetration is often overrated. It’s often presented as the "superior" way of having sex but most people get more pleasure and enjoyment from other kinds of sex!

I hear you talking a lot about how your body feels so I would also like to ask how do you feel mentally as you start with the sexual activity. Are you excited about the activity and then the excitement goes away? I’m asking because arousal is something we experience both with our bodies and minds and while often we experience it in both at once, sometimes we can be aroused mentally and not physically and vica versa.

Lastly, I’m so sorry someone chose to sexually abuse you when you were younger. Have you ever received any support around that? Trauma can manifest in a lot of various ways so even though it might seem like it isn’t affecting you much at the moment, having trouble experiencing pleasure around other people might be connected to it.

[Sam W]

Hi Amazingstar344,

In addition to all of Andy's good questions, since you mentioned that there are recordings of you and your partner that you watch, are those recordings things you have possession of?

[Amazingstar344]

Whenever we start an activity, I feel like I want to do it, but then it just feels like nothing in my head for some reason. It's really strange, and I can't figure out why.

I often get excited when we're not doing anything, like when I'm alone thinking about me and my fiancé together or watching explicit videos of us. Sometimes, I do get excited when we start kissing and doing a bit of foreplay, but that excitement tends to fade quickly.

I've never received professional help for my trauma; the only support l've had is from my fiancé.

About the lube, I know some people don't get naturally wet and still feel aroused, but for me, it makes me feel like l'm less of a woman because I don't get wet for him. I feel so ashamed, especially with how social media makes it seem like if a woman isn't wet, there's something wrong with her.
Regarding other forms of sexual pleasure, we try different things.

Sometimes he gives me head, but it's not as enjoyable for me. I feel like it should feel amazing, but instead, it just feels very sensitive and numb at times.

[Sam W]

Hi Amazingstar344,

So, I think it may be worth looking into some more formal counseling around the abuse, especially if this has been your experience of sex with both your current partner and your exes. One of the places where trauma from sexual abuse can make itself known is in our sexual interactions with people later on, including with feelings like dissociation. If you decide you want to pursue that kind of support, we can certainly talk about that. If you haven't read any of her work, Staci Haines also has some excellent books on navigating sex as a survivor that it's worth checking out.

It also sounds like you're running up against a lot of "shoulds" when it comes to sex, which can often make it harder to get out of your own head. For instance, oral sex isn't a pleasurable activity for everyone. It's presented as one, especially for cis women, but the reality is that some people love it, some could take or leave it, and some outright do not like the way it feels. The same thing is true of lube; how much a body produces is variable, and it isn't an automatic indicator of pleasure (let alone of womanhood). So, as much as you can, try to let go of the idea that there are "correct" ways that you "should" be having or feeling about sex (and maybe also steer clear of places on social media that try to tell you that there are).

I'm curious, what would happen if you and he only continued with sexual things when you were BOTH feeling excitement. In other words, if after kissing and whatever foreplay means to you, you notice you're not longer feeling desire, what if that was the end of the interaction for the time being?

I do want to check again if you're the person in possession of the videos of you two. When that kind of image is out there, especially if you're identifiable in it, you want to know where it lives and how easy it is for others to potentially access.

[Amazingstar344]

Yes, I am definitely interested in pursuing the support I need and would love to explore one of Staci Haines's books. Could you recommend one that you think would be particularly helpful for me?

I understand what you're saying about oral sex and how it doesn't bring pleasure to everyone, but it’s often hard to actually enjoy any of it every once in a while I feel like the experience we have together is really good and it feel’s great.But sometimes, it makes me question if I'm asexual, but then I crave my partner and think that's a silly thought.

Thank you for clarifying that arousal isn't just about getting wet; it's good to know there are different ways to get aroused.

About Social media affects me from time to time, and I usually try to scroll past those types of posts. However, what really bothers me is seeing TikToks/ Instagram Reels about things like someone having a water park, (for an example) or any post regarding something like that. I know my partner has probably seen similar posts because we have basically the same TikTok and Instagram algorithm. And when I see those types of posts I wish I could give my fiancé that experience. Music is also a trigger -songs that talk about genitals and wetness make me feel embarrassed because my fiancé listens to that kind of music. Although we've talked about our sexual problems, hearing or seeing such content on TikTok or Instagram makes me feel ashamed, even though you said getting wet isn't always an indicator of arousal.

I'm curious about what would happen if I stopped going through with it when I'm no longer feeling it. I don't want to disappoint my partner, and he's very understanding-he wouldn't get mad but might think he did something wrong, which l'd reassure him isn't the case. I tend to continue even after losing excitement because I want to make him happy, but I can start trying to stop if I'm not fully into it.

As for the videos and images, my partner and I keep them private and take extra precautions to ensure nothing gets exposed.

Besides talking with professionals, do you have any suggestions for physical ways to help with my arousal issues? Maybe working out more, eating healthier, or any specific foods or vitamin supplements that could help?

[KierC]

Hi Amazingstar344,

I think finding a trauma-specific professional who can provide formal counseling is a great step forward. How do you feel about the process of finding a counselor/therapist? Are there any roadblocks you see that we can help with?

When you say that every once in awhile it feels really good, can you identify anything different about those times that might have contributed to it feeling better than other times? Sometimes that can give some clues into what kind of sexual context helps you feel more aroused.

I’m also glad to hear that knowing about different kinds of arousal is helpful — they’re absolutely right! Not to be a biology nerd, but there’s multiple biological pathways that contribute to a state of arousal, lubrication being just one of *many*. For example, plenty of folks feel a throbbing or swelling sensation and feel aroused, but may need some extra lubricant.

I hear what you’re saying about TikTok/Instagram’s algorithms messing things up — it can feel really crummy sometimes when you try to avoid specific content on social media, but that pesky algorithm still shows you things you don’t want to see. Especially with more and more sexual content on social media, it can feel really overwhelming because there’s just *so* much content either explicitly or implicitly (like the water park thing) discussing what sex and pleasure “should” look or feel like. Sometimes I think about toxic or triggering content like this in the same way that toxicity is viewed in medicine, in that a helpful way to address toxicity is to *dilute* it. So in this case, it may be helpful to either take a break from social media or seek out more affirming media to consume. Do either of those sound like something you’d find helpful?

I know this is more of a bandaid solution for using social media, so it’s merely an idea, but there are settings within TikTok and Instagram now where you can input keywords and topics you don’t want to see, for example you could input various terms and topics that are triggering to you, so the algorithm avoids it. There’s also an option to remove autoplay from videos, so you have a moment to scroll past before watching it. I mentioned this before, too, but taking a break from social media for a bit can also be really helpful, just so you can engage with content you *actually* want to see in real life. I think there can sometimes be an aspect of the algorithm, specifically with reels and TikTok feeds, that can make social media users feel disempowered, simply by showing users videos before users click on them, and combatting that by *choosing* which media you consume can be a step towards feeling a little better. On the music choice too, have you spoken to your partner about how their music choice makes you feel?

It is a really good idea to take a break from or stop sexual activity when you’re no longer feeling it. It’s perfectly okay to tell your partner that you need to take a break, and if they feel like something is wrong, you can discuss it with them (especially since it sounds like you’ve discussed your sexual trauma with them before). Sex should only happen when all partners involved feel good about it. As Sam said, it’s perfectly okay if you end up kissing/etc. and want to just do that for a bit. It sounds like your partner is understanding too, so my guess would be that he’d understand and prioritize your comfort and pleasure alongside his own. How does that sound to you?

In terms of what other things you can do to help with arousal, I do think addressing sexual trauma is going to be most helpful, including both professional counseling and seeking out other resources, like the books Sam recommended. Personally, I have found that Staci Haine’s books called The Survivor’s Guide to Sex, and Healing Sex, have been really helpful, at least in my own healing from sexual trauma. But I will also ask Sam which book they had in mind for you. One other idea I want to suggest is finding various ways that help you reconnect with your body on your own terms — exploring mindful sex, mindful masturbation, breathing exercises, and various forms of play (sexual or not) are some things that can help folks connect more to pleasure in the body. Does any of that sound of interest to you?

[Amazingstar344]

Yes, eventually I'll try to find a professional to talk with. I just recently finished school, and I'm trying to figure out my life and get my own place. Once I have the extra money and time, '' definitely look into finding someone to talk to. But sometimes I wonder how talking to a professional can fix my sexual problems.

The only difference I can really see is that he's either harder or hitting a spot that makes me feel like I need to pee, which never happens. Mentally, I guess my head is clearer, but I'm still not 100% into it mentally, though I really want to be.

Yes, I tend to feel throbbing, but it goes away whenever we start, and I never get wet. I do know I love being kissed from my neck down my spine; it really relaxes and makes me feel good. I don't know if that could be a trigger, but I will probably explore that more.

Yes, it does sound helpful to take a break from social media. I feel like it's taken a toll on my life and everyone's around me because we see everyone doing things and feel bad for not being in their shoes. So, I should consider taking a break.

Regarding his music choices, I haven't spoken to him about it yet because I feel ashamed. I mentioned that I need to talk to him about something soon, but I feel ashamed to bring up something so small that shouldn't even affect me.

Yes, he makes it perfectly clear that I can stop whenever I want, and I do the same for him. But it's not that I want to stop; I want to have sex with him. It's like my mind and body aren't working together. I want to do it and enjoy myself with him, but my body and mind aren't complying.

Thanks, I will definitely try to find more ways to connect with my body sexually.We don't have our own place yet, but when we do, l'll feel more comfortable getting to know more about my body and what it wants. I'll look into different ways to do so and improve my overall mental health. It all sounds useful, thank you so much.

[Sam W]

Hi Amazingstar344,

With professional help, there are a few different ways that could be beneficial to you creating a sex life, either partnered or solo, that's pleasurable for you. One is, as I mentioned earlier, unpacking or addressing any lingering influence trauma might be having on it, including ones that might not be immediately obvious in their connection to it. Another would be talking with you to figure out if there are other mental/emotional components to what's going on. Too, assuming you have a therapist who's competent in sexual topics, some of therapy may be figuring out what an enjoyable sex life looks like for you right now within the context of what your brain and body are doing.

That feeling you're describing of your brain and body not feeling aligned when it comes to arousal is actually more common than people think. Emily Nagoski refers to its "arousal discordance." We have a really good overview of it here: The Great Arousal Mismatch: When Bodies and Brains Don't Line Up. You can also read a longer run-down of it from Emily: https://enagoski.medium.com/unwanted-ar ... 679a156b92.

With the music, it's absolutely okay to ask our partners not to engage with media that makes us uncomfortable when they're around us. It may feel like a small thing, but small things can still lead to big feelings, and it sounds like right now those kinds of songs are doing that for you (and even if it was a small thing leading to small things, it'd still be okay to ask your boyfriend not to listen to them around you).