Scarleteen

Hi. My name’s Bea and i’m a trans woman. i’ve been on hrt for four months now. I want to get off so bad and the only way I can is by stroking my bits which makes me very dysphoric and the finish is never to write home about. i’ve recently been trying everything (besides toys because I can’t afford them or muffing because it sounds painful) and nothing even feels good. i’m so pent up and I really need to get off. I don’t have the attention span to lie down for hours and try to give myself an orgasm. if I don’t orgasm (or even cum) after 30 minutes I just give up. I also can’t cum without stroking my bits but like i’ve said I hate doing that. I need to figure this all out so I know what feels good for any potential future girlfriends. I don’t want them to blame themselves for me not being able to get off during sex. plus they wouldn’t even know what to do to make me feel good because i’d have no clue. sorry for how long this is getting but it’s really frustrating me and i’m not sure what to do. leaving this post here is a last ditch effort or I’m going to have to stop trying for good.

Hey there Bea, and welcome to the boards

I’m sorry to hear about how frustrating it’s been to explore masturbation and experience dysphoria. You’re definitely not alone in this, and I’m glad you’ve posted here for support.

It can definitely be tricky to navigate masturbation and gender affirmation, but I think it can also present a lot of opportunities to practice self-care and experience gender euphoria. For example, some folks find that the words they use to describe their genitals can make a difference in how they feel about their genitals, and instead “renaming” their genitals can feel a lot better. This article, Let’s Talk About Girldick, dives into this topic in a pretty awesome way, explaining that you can call your genitals really whatever you want. Does that sound like something you’d like to do? Too, some folks who experience dysphoria while masturbating, for example bottom dysphoria, find it helpful to masturbate in ways that don’t involve directly touching or looking at the genitals, such as grinding on a pillow or other object.

Gender expression gear may be something helpful to incorporate, too! Wearing gender-affirming clothing or underwear while you masturbate can sometimes help give you something affirming to focus on while masturbating. If that isn’t an accessible route currently, though, another way you can incorporate a more affirming context to masturbation is to engage with any fantasies or dreams you have that make you feel good. For example, is there a certain way you like to imagine your body? Is there a certain context or narrative that makes you feel affirmed? Bringing these positive thoughts into play seems simple but can actually go a long way to feeling pleasure.

I would be remiss not to also mention that it’s okay to be in a process of discovering what feels comfortable for you, and that shouldn’t preclude you from being with a girlfriend in the future. Truthfully, you can still be a wonderful girlfriend to someone even if you are learning about what feels good for you. Open and honest communication with future partners about what feels comfortable for you and what your boundaries are is the most important, and you can certainly accomplish this while being in the process of figuring out what makes you feel good. We actually have a cool checklist for this, too: It can be completed alone or with a partner, and it is a great tool to figuring out what you like and don’t like, and how to communicate that! Yes, No Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

I’ll stop there for now, but how are you feeling about all that so far?

Hi, thanks for responding!

I tend to not address my genitalia at all since I haven’t found a term that feels right. i’m still figuring that out.

I don’t really mind touching my bits, I only hate certain forms of doing it, and they just so happen to be the only ones that allow me to cum

i’d love to get some feminine clothes for the future but unfortunately it’s just not something I can afford right now. I tend to listen to erotic audio tracks while masturbating. they tend to turn me on more than the usual porn or anything like that but it’s never enough to climax unfortunately.

if exploring these things with a potential partner in the future i’m worried I won’t be able to tell them if something doesn’t feel good so I need to figure that out so I can tell them in the future.

but yeah i’m feeling good about this so far. thanks again for your reply.

Hi beaspecific,

Is the reason you hate those particular forms of stimulation because they feel "masculine" or otherwise dysphoria inducing? Or is there something else going on?

Since you mentioned potentially wanting to try vibrators, there are actually some ways to D.I.Y them on the cheap, and you can read about those here: D.I.Y Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition. I'm also curious, have you ever taken a look at Mira Bellwether's work? I ask because if not, she might be a source of some other things you can do to create pleasure during masturbation or partnered sex.

With clothing, have you looked into clothing swaps or trans closet programs at all? Depending on where you are, there might be groups or locations that are specifically dedicated to helping trans folks get affirming clothing for free or very cheap.

When you say you're worried about being able to communicate to a partner if something doesn't feel good, is that because you find it hard to speak up about those things more generally? Or is it more like you feel like you have to go into the interaction knowing everything that is off limits or uncomfortable about your own body?

Stroking is very dysphoric for me. I used to just power through the dysphoria but it’s gotten unbearable so I had to stop completely.

Thank you for this link I will take a look. I have browsed mira’s zine and tried what sounded like it could work. nothing did. I got bored/exhausted/frustrated before I climaxed.

I just looked for programs like these. looks like the closest one is 3 hours away so that likely won’t be a thing j can do unless I end up where it is for some other reason.

It is both of those things. I would be embarrassed telling a partner that I don’t know what feels good. most people that try to find out what feels good are able to because it is usually easy to find. it was easy for me before I transitioned. there is a thing called anorgasmia and it’s possible transitioning also gave me that.

Hi there, Bea

Would you give us a sense of some of the things you've tried from Mira Bellwether's zine?

If you look around the boards, you'll see that plenty of people struggle with figuring out what feels good- it really isn't that obvious, so you are not alone in feeling this way. Being unsure about what you enjoy doesn't have to be a barrier in a relationship. You don't need to have a complete list of everything you like/dislike before you have sex with someone, you can just communicate about whether something feels good as you go. Speaking up when something doesn't feel right is difficult, but it is a skill you can get better at with practice.

I understand your concern that a future girlfriend will blame themselves if you don't get off - people do sometimes take these things personally. But this is something that you can work through. If your partner understands that there are multiple factors that affect whether someone orgasms, they won't blame themselves.

You might be right that transitioning has caused anorgasmia- I've seen a few other trans women discuss this. Your body is transitioning to a new hormonal system, so you may just need some more time to learn to feel pleasure and orgasm again. In all likelihood, this won't last.

It might be worth it to look into your current HRT regimen and hormone levels. Having testosterone levels that are lower than the typical 'female' range can contribute to difficulties with orgasms. I have also heard that taking progesterone has helped people with this issue.

Sure, i’ve tried all other motions that mira said were options to masturbate (rubbing under my genitals with two fingers, twirling my fingers on the tip there are others i’ve tried but those are the only examples I can recall). ive tried humping a pillow or my mattress but that’s so physically demanding. i’ve also tried nipple play and my breasts are too sensitive to be able to enjoy it because it just hurts. i’ve also tried rubbing all of my so called erogenous zones but it seems I don’t have any. stuff like anal play and muffing sounds uncomfortable or painful to try so I haven’t done that.

My next blood test is in a month or two so i’d have to wait to see my levels then. I have tried progesterone but I didn’t notice any changes so I stopped taking it and I could barely afford it so it just wasn’t worth it to keep taking it.

It does sound like you've experimented quite a bit, so I can see how that would make it extra-frustrating to feel like the only thing that really feels good is a thing that's dysphoria inducing.

There are a few different options you could try in terms of how to proceed. One is to see if gradually, by shifting how you perceive it or talk about it to yourself, you can start to view stroking as a feminine activity rather than an inherently masculine one. Another is to see if you can get a hold of one of the cheaper options for a D.I.Y vibrator to see what adding that into the equation does for both the pleasure side of things and the dysphoria side of things.

A third option is to take a break from masturbating for a little while. When masturbation has become a source of frustration or other unpleasant emotions, it's often the kindest choice for ourselves to press pause on it, you know?