something’s up with me

[itzxnikki]

haven’t been on here in a while and just needed some advice.

my boyfriend and i finally decided that we’re ready to have sex and we bought condoms and all was well. for some reason they have a hard time staying hard and had a rlly hard time putting the condom on due to it being soft suddenly. they tell me they tend to go on and off with getting hard and gets soft kinda fast. ik everyone’s different for these types of things though.

i haven’t given them anything directly because it makes me uncomfortable and they respect that so they don’t push me to do anything to them. they also say that seeing me feel good is enough for them and don’t rlly like feel the desire to cum like other people do.

after all of that happened, they got really insecure and felt bad and i tried my best to comfort them because we’ll figure it out one day hopefully.

as for me, i’ve posted abt this in the past and it still happens. we do all the foreplay that usually feels good for me and all i do is squirt/ ejaculate (are they the same thing?)theres been only a few times were i’ve kinda tensed up but im not sure if i had a wave of pleasure. ik i just need to find what works for me but i never rlly feel the need to masturbate on my own. its just rlly frustrating that’s all. it’s not like im sexually frustrated or anything it’s just annoying because i get all worked up expecting something to happen and nothing does besides squirting. we can be doing it for quite a while and still only squirting so i’m just confused. no matter how much research i do it rlly just doesn’t make sense to me. my hormones have been kinda weird according to my gyno but ill prob have to talk to her about that according to her. my testosterone levels fluctuate im not sure if that has anything to do with this tbh.

anyway thanks! pls give any advice

[Sam W]

Hi itzxnikki,

Nice to see you again!

I agree that talking with your therapist about what she noticed in your hormones is a sound idea. For one, that could be at play with your experiences with arousal or desire; hormones, including testosterone, play a role in that. But also, if your hormone levels are fluctuating in odd ways--some fluctuation is normal as you move through a month--that could be having other effects on you that need addressing.

It can for sure be frustrating when our bodies feel like they're building up to a reaction only for it not to happen. Ditto those moments where we planned to do something--like a certain sexual activity--only to find certain body parts just aren't cooperating with what we want or planned. I hear you saying you and your partner will figure this out one day; what would "figuring it out" look like? At the end of figuring it out, what would partnered sex between you involve (or not involve)?

Since you asked, squirting can accompany orgasm, but it won't automatically do so. Some people find they happen together or around the same time, others find they don't happen that close together (if they both happen at all).

[itzxnikki]

thanks!

im not exactly sure what figuring out is for us. they probably just say that to comfort me and themselves. i guess we’ll keep trying and hope that it’ll work one day? it would prob just involve what we do currently plus actually sex. also they just had a hard time getting it in and possibly said it was the size and possibly me being tight which isn’t really a thing we can control from my knowledge.

especially since i have never had an orgasam, i’m not totally sure if im close or what to expect besides from what people say. we are pretty open and communicate so that’s helpful in general.

[Sam W]

Hi itzxnikki,

With orgasm, you might find the description of it in this piece helpful in getting a general idea of what it feels like and what the signs that it's happening or has happened are: Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide.

Can I ask why vaginal intercourse feels so important to you and to your partner? If you thought about the possibility that your partnered sex life never includes that, how does that make you feel and why?

I do want to say that the idea of the vagina being "tight" is one of those things that's really misunderstood culturally. The vaginal canal isn't a static tube that's always the same degree of "tight" or "loose;" it's a muscle that can tense and relax. It also changes size depending on things like arousal. So, when someone's vaginal canal feels too tight to insert anything into, that's often due to something like them being tense or not aroused, or to underlying causes such as vaginismus.

[itzxnikki]

thanks, i’ll be sure to read that.

it’s not necessary super important we are just curious tbh. as i am just curious to also experience an orgasm i was wondering if this would help me achieve it.

i’m usually pretty aroused and i don’t think im tense and really notice when im tight. which is why im pretty confused about that itself.

[Sam W]

It's totally okay to want to pursue vaginal intercourse out of curiosity. I actually think that's a more helpful mindset to come at it from; making it one thing you try, rather than the main thing you focus on, you know? Too, if you want to explore orgasm specifically, this article might have some useful advice: How To Have Your First Orgasm: A Primer for Cisgender Women

We may have touched on this before, but have you ever had an exam with an OB-GYN? I ask because when it's difficult or painful to insert anything into the vaginal canal, it can help to make sure you're up to date on your sexual healthcare so you know if there's an underlying, physical cause that could be contributing to that discomfort.

[itzxnikki]

i’ll be sure to keep that in mind, thanks and i’ll read this when i can.

yes i have been to a obgyn because i had irregular periods and suspected to have pcos. i haven’t had an exam just a consultation about my period and birth control. i’ll be sure to mention this next time i see her.

thanks for the responses and advice i appreciate it

[Sam W]

You're welcome! And I think mentioning this the next time you see your OB-GYN is a great plan. If you need any help figuring out how to have that conversation, we're happy to help you brainstorm.