Scarleteen

About a year ago my parents walked in on me and my MTF girlfriend.
Before this happened they always encouraged me to be safe if i ever did want to have sex and to just do the right things. When I came out to them as a lesbian they were very supportive.

after this happened they looked at me shamed me. was glad me and my girlfriend had safe words and used protection. proceeded to call me a fake lesbian for having sex with a trans person who hadn’t gotten bottom surgery. Had to explain that to them (they no longer do this). And got mad because when i came out as a lesbian they thought they wouldnt have to deal with risk of pregnancy. They also told me i had betrayed their trust by making choices about my body.

For months now every time I go to hang out with my girlfriend they make jokes about how I shouldn’t have sex. Or basically call me a whore. It makes me really uncomfortable every time they do this and makes me embarrassed i wanted to have sex at all.

Recently I bought tee-shirts at spencers and they made a joke about me buying a sex toy at spencers *which i have done wasnt during that trip though* and said that they’d need a different convo if that was the case. Which in the past when ive earned my own money they’ve made jokes like “i dont care what you buy its your own money as long as its legal and even if it was sex toys thats your own business”

I dont hate sex because of this. I’m just tired of being shamed and scared to have sex again. Any advice???

Hi anonlesbian,

Oof, I'm so sorry, it can really suck to have your parents be judgemental about your sexual choices (with some bonus transphobia thrown in), and in this case there's the added hurt of them having seemed as if they were going to be supportive of you making the choices that felt right to you. Hopefully we can figure out some ways for you to get them to knock it off, or otherwise set boundaries with them around them around talking with you respectfully about this.

Is mocking you about things, including sensitive topics, a thing they do often? Or has it only happened with sex?

Thanks Sam!

Typically they dont mock any sensitive topics and take things fairly seriously. In their eyes however they are just joking around. I have tried to tell them my discomfort in their jokes and they mostly laugh it off by saying things like well you shouldn’t have made that choice then. Outside of this I have a pretty okay relationship with my parents.

You're welcome!

So, given that this isn't a common behavior for them, my suspicion would be that some of this is them realizing they're not as comfortable with you being sexually active as they thought they would be, and they're making these disrespectful "jokes" to deal with that. I could be wrong, since I'm not in their brains and can't know their motives, but that'd be my hunch.

Since you otherwise have an okay relationship with him, do you think you could come at setting this boundary from the angle of how it's damaging trust? In other words, pointing out to them that responding this way is making it harder for you to a) believe them when they express that they'll be okay with potential choices you might make and b) feel any faith that if something DID go wrong with sex or a partner, you could come to them for help when you needed it.