Scarleteen

I have a weird relationship with my mother, like its really inconsistent. As a child, she really disliked me (she never really wanted children, and struggled with raising 2 as I have 1 brother a year younger than me), and even though that part of it has changed now that I'm older, she still is strange. She seems to switch between being so angry at me and the world that she won't talk to me or blows up at everything I do, or loving me so much that she wants to spend all her time with me, telling me I'm her only friend and saying she misses when I was like confined to the house due to how bad I was struggling with my mental health a few years ago. She's not physically abusive or really verbally abusive at all - just to make that clear. She was slightly neglectful to me as a child - I wasn't really fed a healthy diet and pretty much lived off fast food and candy, and as I grew older into my teen years she encouraged me to eat less and less in order to match her perspective of health, which did cause a lot of mental health issues in some ways. She was raised extremely wealthy, and has almost never been told No in her life, and it really shows - she hates me denying her anything, whether it be hanging out with her for a day because I had already made plans with friends or stuff like that. I really have struggled growing up with her, and she can be really mean - she used to call me horrible ableist names as a child, as I grew up undiagnosed autistic and struggled with keeping myself like together, and also used to threaten me with leaving all the time (she did leave once after I had a breakdown and stayed at her dad's for a day which scared TF out of me), and says I like manipulate her and gaslight her constantly. I really don't feel like I do but I'm scared I may be. She is controlling of me - she tries to approve or disapprove my friends ( she really prefers that they are white, rich and straight), I have recently started applying for jobs and she has been threatening to show up at the place I want to work if I end up getting hired and like make random complaints about me and try and get me fired, and she gets mad about like my choices for my hair (dying it) and even when I sleep (she says its abnormal to stay up half the night, but it is summer break TBF). I wanted to go to a sixth form in a "less nice" area of the city (it really was not that bad) because it was free so she wouldn't have financial control of my education, and she got my entire family involved, made my grandfather (who I adore and value the opinions and advice of very much) tell me how disappointed he was that I would even think about not going to private school, and threatened to disown me (bit over the top), so I did end up going to a very posh private school near my house - to be clear, I am incredibly grateful that I have the family money to go to a great school like it, but it still ticked me off that I wasn't even allowed to suggest something without her going mental. I really really want independence of her, and in some ways I am working towards it - I generally isolate myself in my room with my cat and all my hobbies are located in my room, I'm trying to get a job to save up to pay my own university fees in 2 years, I took her position as my emergency contact number for my country's mental health services away (with a bit of help from their system being so shitty I didn't even have to do much - to be clear I did not hack them, just kept scheduling appointments when she was away and changing the main email to my one eventually), but I don't know if I will ever be free. The people around me see her as this wonderful person - she's very charismatic and extremelly different in public, and all my friends think I'm being too dramatic and that I'm just spoiled, but I am very alone in this "independence" endevour. I don't know what to do, and if I'm even right to be doing this, cause it could be normal or just her being a strange strange person.

Hi Garfield!

Let's start here: I don't think you are spoiled or overdramatic for wanting more independence, especially in the way you are going about it. It doesn't actually harm your mother when you remove her as your emergency contact, try to go to a different school that she doesn't pay for, try to get a job so she doesn't have to pay for university, or spend time in your room. You are not asking her for more than she has, you are asking her for less. It is true that these actions could hurt her feelings, especially if they go against her sense of what your relationship should be like - children normally rely on their parents for help with these things. But if that is the case, she must ask one question: why don't you want her help?

From what you've described, I think you have some pretty good reasons. She has a history of being wildly inconsistent, unsupportive, and an unsafe person to express yourself freely with. Her neglect and restrictive approach to food have caused you to have mental health difficulties. She threatened to leave you as a child and would call you ableist names. She tries to control your social life and how you dress. Furthermore, she becomes unhappy when you deny her, and she accuses you of manipulating and gaslighting her. This is really strange, because she has a clear pattern of manipulating you: when you suggested going to a different school, she got your whole family involved to pressure you (disownment is very over the top); when you tried to get a job, she threatened to show up at your workplace and get you fired. None of this is normal.

I know you said she wasn't abusive, but it would not be a stretch to call some of this emotional abuse. I think you have strong reasons for not trusting her and being uncomfortable with your life at home.

Dear Latha,
Thank you so much for your response. A lot of the stuff you have said has made a lot of sense to me - she is not really willing to question why I feel the need to do the things I do, or stay away from her so much.
I do see why it can be considered emotional abuse, but to me that is a personally very loaded word, so I try to avoid it, but I do see what you are saying.
Having such a clear, structured response will be really helpful for me getting my feelings and thoughts together about this issue in the future, AND good news, she is ok with me getting a job as long as it's not retail so I have scrounged up my options and found what I could, along with a few volunteering positions I'm planning to apply for.
I find it hard to think about - it is also her first time being on Earth, and she never dreamed or wanted to be a mother at all, so in some ways I find myself empathising with her, though I hate to do it.
Thank you so much,
Garfield (still will never get over how cool it is to sign off as an orange lasanga obsessed cat)