Scarleteen

last week i told my closest 3 friends that i lost my virginity. context: they already knew i was somewhat sexually active and didnt really care about it and would even tease me about it sometimes. but when i told them, one my friends (we'll call them S) got pretty upset. now S wasn't open to me about how upset they were, but they kinda just.. complained about it to the other two people in our group. i'll also mention that this group is S's only friends and ive known them for over 7 years now so i've made it very clear to them that i want to be there for them and if it ever seems like im ignoring them or we're getting distant or im leaving them out then i want them to tell me.

i try to be as considerate as possible especially since S gets anxious and upset easily which gets exhausting sometimes but i try my best because i know how it feels. but after i told them they ran to the other two in the group and said something along the lines of "i dont think i can talk to max (me) anymore.." i understand if it made them uncomfortable but if they had told me i wouldve apologized for it and we could discuss it. S also said some stuff about how condoms arent 100% effective as if me and my boyfriend are irresponsible teens.

i also learned from the friends that S spoke to about me that apparently S complains about me and my bf spending time together. im rarely able to spend time with him (due to my parents but thats unrelated) so whenevr i get the chance i spend time with him. i always try to hang out with S and talk to them when no one else is and be as considerate as possible with their feelings but after telling them, theyre opinion about me has totally changed. i understand it must be strange to know, but they arent super religious or conservative and they read dubcon fics super often so its just so confusing how uncomfortable they are with sex talk? but maybe i just dont fully understand.

i also learned that theyve complained to L (one of our mutual friends that i also told) about me spending time w my bf before they even knew, even though theyve told me that they like my bf and are happy for me. crazier considering that S has ranted to me about L's girlfriend! and now S feels uncomfortable with me talking to their younger sister and S wont even sit close to me anymore. i've always gone out of my way to make them happy and included and content but they never do the same for me even before all of this. when they post their art in a server we're in i praise it so much but when i do they dont say a word. im always the person they go to rant, get advice, anything. but its given me some perspective on this friendship and theres no way id drop them i truly do love them and care about them, but i feel responsible for their happiness and once i told them about me losing my virginity (i have a very happy and healthy sex life and i feel very safe and comfortable with my partner) its like i dont even matter to them.

ive been waiting for an opportunity to talk about it but i might just start a conversation about how i feel like they dont like me anymore. ive always felt unappreciated by them and after this i am just so tired of trying. kinda want some advice about going about this without getting super angry

Hi Maxipad101,


What I'm hearing from you is that when you went to your close friends to share an exciting moment with them, you didn't feel the love that you were hoping for, specifically from S, and that this isn't the first time they have been openly unkind or invalidating of your experiences, leaving you feeling frustrated and unappreciated. That sounds like a super sucky feeling!

When we have close relationships with people, showing up for them and being a supportive figure in their lives (like you showing your support on their art posts), we usually hope the favor is returned and that they will show us the same kind of care we willingly show them. Everyone feels connection uniquely, and in turn, sometimes take different actions than we might. No matter how deeply we might know someone, we never know what's going on inside other people's heads or in their most intimate personal lives. The best that we can do is communicate with each other about our own feelings so as to build a kind of relationship that works for both of us, which sounds like that's exactly what you're planning on doing which is great.

It sounds like you already know some things about S that give you a hint their response might not actually be as much about you or your relationship with your boyfriend as you think. You mentioned that S is known to feel anxious and upset easily, which points to a good point of reference that if you say something that they feel anxious or upset over, it might not actually be as connected to you as it may seem. You also said that they have been talking to your other mutual friends about you when you would have just preferred they come to you directly. This can feel really frustrating when you feel left out of a conversation about you. It might be their way of processing the information you shared if they feel too vulnerable to talk with you directly, but in my opinion, direct communication is always the way to go even if it feels difficult.

Your desire to have a conversation with them about how you've been feeling I think is totally on track. It can often feel hard to speak up in relationships when we fear that by saying something the other might not like, we're jeopardizing the relationship itself. This isn't really the case though. When our friends really care about us they want the best for us. A good friend will be able to listen to us when we open up about something they did that hurt us, and they will want to help us solve it.

One of the hardest parts about being a young person, in my opinion, is the constant shift in relationships as we're all trying to figure ourselves out at the same time and do our best for the people we love. This means that people may hurt us by their actions unintentionally or not take into account our feelings, but the best we can do is be honest with them about how it makes us feel if that feels like a safe thing to do. How do you think you're going to go about a conversation with S?