Scarleteen

Hi. Just a few days ago I arrived in college. I don't have any partners and I've been pretty isolated for a few years now so i'm really desperate for human connection. I've been trying to make lots of friends. I'm a lesbian, and I am comfortable in my identity as one. The only issue is that I feel so weird and guilty and predatory about being sexually attracted to women. When I'm talking to a girl I find really hot I feel bad like I'm a creep that only sees her for her body. I don't necessarily think this is the case, I still feel awful, and there is a bit of truth to it. I am really looking forward to having sex at college but i don't ever want that to get in the way of genuine friendships and connections. Obviously it's normal as a lesbian to be sexually attracted to women (duh) but i still feel bad and like i'm bad and have bad intentions. I'm not really sure how to cope with this and it's causing me a bit of stress.

Hi Shaymie,

There are a few things that might be going on here, and I think working out which are at play will be useful in working out how to address this pattern of feelings.

Do you have a sense of where this idea that being sexually interested in someone is creepy comes from? Does it feel like it just sort of popped up inside you without a clear outside source? Or have there been outside messages that are contributing to you feeling this way?

Too, am I right in thinking that part of this is due to feeling like sexual desire is inherently objectifying?

I'm not really sure where it's coming from. There hasn't been any particular thing that incited it.

But yes It is probably apart of feeling like sexual desire is inherently objectifying. It's strange because I don't feel that way about other people. If someone thought I was attractive and wanted to have sex with me I wouldn't take offense to that at all.

Hi Shaymie,

I hope it’s okay if I jump in and offer my perspective. This is a common feeling I’ve heard my queer friends talk about in their attraction to women. You are not alone in experiencing this! It makes sense in our patriarchal culture that attraction towards women feels objectifying - most of the examples of sex and relationships we grew up learning about fell under ‘the male gaze.’ Us, as women/gender minorities, have been conditioned by patriarchy to be the object of desire for our partners, the ones who are pursued, but never the pursuer, so it makes sense that this attraction feels uncomfortable. Do you think that maybe this is your experience, too? Remind yourself that, like you said, if someone expressed attraction to you, you wouldn’t be offended. Most people probably feel that way about you, too.

I guess that does make sense. the whole "Male Gaze" thing is something i've always like... wondered about? I never really mind seeing male gaze type stuff in movies or video games, (although i get tired of it when it's excessive or it tries to hard) but at the same time I think it's silly and i could just as easily do without it. Do men feel guilty about finding women sexy? I don't think they do but honestly i couldn't tell you. I guess I can see why this is a pretty normal thing for queer women/etc to experience. It's still feels like i'm doing something wrong though. I can't imagine I would feel this way if I was attracted to men.

I guess this whole thing is kind of silly but still

I think it’s moreso that women are acutely aware of what it feels like to be objectified. Objectification is not a widespread issue for men like it is for women, which is probably why you feel like you wouldn’t feel guilt for being attracted to men. It’s also encouraged as the “right” way for straight men to express their sexualities, which is why they experience less guilt being attracted to women. However, I do know guys who are extremely sensitive to the fact that women deal with objectification from men, and are afraid to express their feelings because of it, too. I don’t think it’s silly, it makes sense in the context of gender roles.

I guess this does clear things up. I'm not sure if I necessarily feel any better but i at least know where this is all coming from. I wish there was a way to stop feeling like this but maybe I just have to give it time. From my perspective i'd much rather be found attractive by a woman or a nb person than a man, and definitely would rather even be objectified by a woman than a man. Like if anyone is gonna objectify me i'd much rather it be another woman. But again, it's kinda complicated. I'm also not really sure how everyone else thinks.

I understand that. Do you feel worried that you might objectify someone or come off as predatory? Would it help for me to define what objectification really means so you can see it and say, “oh yeah, that does not describe me at all!”

That would help a lot. I'm really worried I might objectify someone or come off as predatory yeah.

Hi Shaymie!

Here is how I understand it: finding someone attractive is not the same as objectifying them. Objectification happens when someone treats another person as an object or tool to serve their needs, while ignoring that the other person has feelings and needs of their own. Ignoring someone’s boundaries and consent or just assuming that they would consent to what you want is an example of objectification.

You can be interested in someone sexually while also respecting their humanity and agency. Sexual desire isn’t bad by itself — many people want to feel desired by their sexual partners.