Scarleteen

I'm not really sure where to start. I'm 17 and I've never had sex or done anything sexual, ever. I know a lot of people haven't at this age so I'm not too bothered about it. But I've also never wanted to, which I am bothered about. I find people of all genders aesthetically attractive, and definitely have a "type" in that sense. But I've never felt anything sexual towards anyone. I find genitals really gross (don't know if that's a normal thing). I've always found sex scenes in movies gross as well, even watching two characters kiss sometimes - I can't fathom why someone would want to do that, I guess. I hate the idea of sex and someone putting their body inside mine, but then again I find even close proximity with another person uncomfortable so I don't know whether it's just that. I also have horrible self-esteem issues and hate how I look so I don't want anyone to see me naked, and I guess just that level of intimacy really freaks me out. I've never masturbated or even wanted to, which is unusual for my age I think. I've never been turned on and if I touch anything down there it just feels uncomfortable and a bit sensitive. Not sexual. I've never tried to finger myself as the idea grosses me out too much (and my vagina looks really tiny, I have no idea how anything's supposed to fit in there).

I dated one non-binary person at 15 for six months and it was a bad experience - I got into the relationship because I felt unattractive and unloveable and I was over the moon that someone had finally shown an interest in me. I liked it at first because it was sort of like having a best friend who thought you were attractive and texted you loads, but I was uncomfortable and tense for the last four/five months of the relationship. We never got past kissing but I hated it. I'd always hated the idea but thought that I'd have an epiphany moment when I actually did it, which I didn't - I felt weird putting my face so close to another person and it was gross when our lips touched and I didn't know how to do it properly. I kept doing it even though I hated it. I was even uncomfortable and tense sitting close to them or having them touch my arm - it wasn't them, it would have been the same with anyone (I have had people tell me I didn't like kissing just because they were a bad kisser and it would be different with someone else, but I'm not so sure). I am a people pleaser and had trouble saying no to this stuff, especially to them as they would make me feel guilty about it, so eventually I broke up with them as I knew I didn't want to have sex but also that I wouldn't be able to say no when it came up. I expected that there might be an issue with me and sexual stuff but I even felt uncomfortable with the romantic stuff sometimes which I didn't expect, I've always liked romance stories and the idea of romance. I guess I'm never really myself around anyone except my parents and my brother so I was acting all the time (I do this with my friends too and don't really have any close friendships), and I think I maybe didn't want them to get too close (metaphorically this time) because I think I'm unlikeable?

I have thought that maybe I'm asexual but into romantic relationships - but my relationship before just felt like a burden or something and a source of stress. Maybe it was just specific to that one, but the idea of a long-term relationship raises issues for me in general, I'm not sure I want to live with or sleep in the same bed as someone or to have someone know everything about me. To be honest, the only people I feel comfortable being physically near to or being myself around are my immediate family. I always liked the idea of a romantic relationship but realistically I don't think I'd like it. Anyway the main problem is whether my life is going to be totally devoid of anything sexual? Am I asexual? Or just uncomfortable with myself & intimacy? Am I aromantic? Is this all to do with my age and will I grow out of it or something? I don't know, would love any help with any of this. Sorry for the super-long information dump... I guess it's all been going round my head for a while now.

Hi Alice37,

It sounds like there are a lot of different things overlapping here, so let's see if we can untangle some of them to help you get some clarity.

I hear you expressing a lot of repulsion to the idea of sex, or things (like genitals) that are generally related to sex. Does it feel like that reaction is coming from thoughts and feelings about those things? Like the feeling that someone would find you repulsive in them? That those situations aren't for you? Or does it almost feel like an instinctive reaction, like that just isn't something you want?

I'm also hearing you express that you don't really feel comfortable in relationships with non-family members more generally. You mention you feel like you're always putting on an act. Can you tell me a little more about that, and why that feels like something you need to do?

Too, let's say after some reflection, you realize that romantic and/or sexual relationships just aren't for you. When you think about that potential outcome, how do you feel?

Hi Sam, thanks for your reply, I realise I sound very confused and rambling above. I guess there is the thought that in a sexual situation someone would find me repulsive... but mostly it's a feeling of revulsion about the idea itself, like it's something that I instinctively don't want. I suppose I've never felt anything sexual so don't really understand why anyone would want that.

As for your second question, I feel very uncomfortable with myself and very self-conscious about how I look, act, speak, think, etc. People thought I was weird as a kid and I didn't have a filter on my personality/interests and I was just being myself all the time, so I was an easy target. This was until a couple of years ago. I had one really close best friend up until I was 11 who I thought was the most amazing person ever, and then she got cooler than me and decided she didn't want to be friends with me anymore, and sort of turned on me and started to bully me. Exact same thing happened with my next best friend when we were 14. After that I think I decided that I was unlikeable and that being myself was a bad thing and that I should act like everyone else as much as possible. People left me alone so I guess it worked but I sort of can't stop now. I catch myself thinking about every tiny thing I do or say before and after I do it, and dissecting how people might interpret it as weird. I think also I feel uncomfortable letting people get close to me now because I really struggled after my old friends dropped me and I don't want it to happen again. Also, I was bullied for being ugly for as long as I can remember until sometime last year when I figured out how to do my makeup and dress like everyone else, although I still get negative comments about some parts of my appearance sometimes. So I'm really self-conscious about how I look now.

I think I'd be upset if it turned out that romantic relationships weren't for me. I'm worried that would lead to a lonely existence and that I'd be missing out on something really great that nearly everyone experiences. Also, I think I want kids someday and it would make that harder. I think I could manage if it turned out that I really don't ever want to have sex. Although it would make it much harder to be with someone.

It's absolutely okay to feel like you're rambling here; there are a lot of big emotions at play, and sometimes we just have to get them all out there, even if they're not super-organized, in order to make sense of them.

Have you read about the experiences of sex repulsion at all? I ask because it sounds like that might be at play here in terms of your reactions to sex.

That being said, I do suspect that some of how you're feeling about all this also ties to those feelings about yourself, and about whether it would ever be emotionally safe to be close enough to someone to be in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with them.

I'm so sorry that you lost friendships in that way, and that they turned and made you a target for bullying. And if you're in an environment where any kind of non-normativeness is punished, or makes someone a target, then it makes a lot of sense to me that you'd arrive at "blend in, don't let anyone close" as a survival tactic (are there any adults in your life who knew what was happening at school, or who tried to help you with it?) But, as you're discovering, trying to keep a lid on the person we really are is exhausting and demoralizing.

I will say that you may find less need for that disguise as you get older and move out of school and onto college/adult life, because you won't be stuck around people who have a history of being unkind to you AND you might have an easier time finding people who are like you, and who you start building trust with. I do think it might also help to read a few pieces from the perspective of celebrating weirdness and difference, rather than the "fit in or else" messages you've been getting: Baby Fat, Or Why the Ugly Duckling is a Rubbish Story. , Am I normal? Who cares?

With that fear that not wanting sex or romance will cut you off from meaningful relationships, I promise you that's not true. People can and do build rich, happy lives and relationships without one or both of those elements present. Heck, there are also ways to become a parent that don't involve them either (though access to those can vary depending on where you live, but they ARE out there). We get the message that romantic relationships are the most important ones in our lives, but that simply doesn't reflect reality; we can, and do, have close connections with all kinds of people that look all kinds of ways, you know?