I need some comfort... and advice

[kaualves2]

Hi im really sad, and I don't know which direction to take. I've been dating for almost 2 years, and I was very happy in that relationship, because everything seemed very comforting and loving. But I discovered something.

My girlfriend always sold me an image that I helped her overcome traumas involving sex, that I was a very special person. She always told me that she had an abusive relationship in 2021, suffered some sexual traumas and, after that, never had sex again until she met me and, supposedly, it was all magical and I was one of the elements that helped her overcome all that. And that, after that relationship, she was afraid and never had sex with anyone again, that she always refused dates like that, that she only had sex with me again. Which was, in fact, what made our first time so special. The issue of both of them being safe after so much trauma and so much time had passed (she went through that and I was abused in my first and only sexual relationship before her).

She always told me that she never really had sex with desire, that she always felt obligated, and that she only felt alive in that aspect with me. That she would never do it with strangers again and so on. That she always felt used and only seen as someone for sex, and that she wanted something different.

I discovered, by viewing messages, that, on the day I met her (on an app, in 2023), she had sex with a guy and had had that goal since the beginning. She didn't even like him, she hated him, but she did it for pure pleasure. And before in 2022 it was the same thing with other people.

She did indeed have some fears till we met, but I was never the special one. And I have a lot of self-esteem issues related to that, and it was something that made me happy - to have helped her. Why didn't she tell me the truth?

And its not even "oh, she had sex". She made me believe a lie for almost 2 years. I believed that I was really... special. My heart is broken, for real. I talked to people close to me and the vast majority said I should try to talk and such, that maybe breaking up would be worse. I don't think I can trust again.

The worst thing of all is that, every day, she always shows that she really likes me, and that leaves me very confused.

[Jacob]

Hey Kaualves!

I have been told similar things by previous partners and to me it always felt a bit more like pressure than a compliment! But we're all different.

I want to point out here that what you read in her messages was only really for her, and regardless of what you read, what she told you about how she felt about having sex with you for the first time is still the truest representation of those feelings.

You don't know what was actually going through her mind in any of her experiences with other people.

It might also be that those other experiences just didn't feel significant to the overall information she was conveying to you.

But you might only be able to find out more of that from her.

It is really nice to feel special to someone but usually that's a description of how they feel about us, and they might reflect on how it contrasts other experiences they have had, but only they can say if something was special to them... I think it's also worth asking - does that specialness need to be in relation to their past trauma or the specifics of other hookups they had around the time you met?

It can be the case that we all evolve how we feel about past experiences, and why they were our weren't special over time as our relationship with past trauma evolves. We move, as it were!

[kaualves2]

Hi Jacob, thanks for replying!

I wrote this above with lots of pain. It was a bit desperate to discover this out of the blue - it made me reflect on my values, and on the whole meaning of the relationship. Something that was built around "you changed everything" started to lose its meaning momentarily.

I decided to read old messages I had with her to try to understand this. And I noticed that she had already mentioned to me that "she even let people touch her again, but she didn't feel safe, but with me that changed". I just hadn't understood what it meant to touch her like that, after all, she keeps saying that she had never done it again after everything happened.

Maybe I'm starting to understand, but I wanted your opinion: do you think she lied about this subject to try to forget about it all, to protect herself and even because she doesn't like to remember it? I keep thinking that she may have taken these actions to try to combat all this trauma. Of course, this isn't about me - she had the right to do whatever she wanted before our relationship. I just wanted to understand why this happened... why she hid this whole situation.

Of course I intend to talk to her and I'm preparing myself, but... I need opinions!

[Jacob]

No problem! And good that you're planning to speak about it.

I understand, there is definitely a degree of whiplash which comes from finding out that how you viewed a situation is different from how somebody else viewed it, or that what you were told is different from how things probably went down.

I think when you speak about it, I'd prepare yourself for apologizing to her for reading her private messages. You might find that having that done to her will be just as upsetting to her as anything else you're bringing up.

I'd also tone down some of the words like "lied" and "hid". Those sound like very deliberate things a person does, whereas I think usually when somebody doesn't tell you something, or only tells you part of it, it's rarely a calculated choice and instead it's more like they've distracted themselves from the parts of the story that don't match the message they're trying to convey. That can be trauma related, but it can also be something that happens when someone just says something in the moment because it feels true, and then just goes with whatever they've previously said because they're too embarrassed to correct themselves.

It also seems like being told that "you changed everything" meant a lot to you at the time, and that would make it even more difficult for her to correct herself because, she has been saying something you wanted to hear. It's not very fair on a partner to need them to make us feel better than their abusive ex partners or the only special person etc. It's possible that you weren't asking for that, and she just sensed it, and perhaps some of her trauma leads to her wanting to do what she thinks you would want, but I can't know for sure.

You say the meaning of the relationship for you was based on this idea that you're special and that you changed everything for her, and now you're sad to have lost that feeling, but I would also consider the possibility that that wasn't ever a very good or healthy way to see a relationship, even if you never read the messages etc. So maybe if those are the foundations of your relationship, we need to pick-up the whole relationship and drop it back down on-top of new different foundations. In relationships we need the possibility that we aren't perfect and aren't the best-thing-that-ever-happened in order to notice our mistakes and to grow. So maybe you can think of it as a good thing that you found out it's not 100% accurate? Now you have the opportunity to start thinking about and appreciating relationships in more realistic ways.

Getting back to the conversation you're going to have, I think it's good to go into it trying to be a bit more humble about what you bring to the relationship, and that you have made mistakes, like reading her messages, and try to show how you can be empathetic around any mistakes she has made and be a good listener to what she has to say when she gives her perspective.

I think if you can both give each other permission not to be 'the always forever best perfect person' for each-other, this could help bring your relationship expectations down to a more realistic level, which might be more relaxing and happier for everyone involved!