Scarleteen

Hi, so as a afab demisexual person who has never had sex in their entire life, I'm kinda afraid that I won't be able to do penetrative sex in the future (if that ever happens)

When I was little, i used to feel pain around my vagina when i try to masturbate or have sexual thoughts. I now guess that this was caused by my anxiety issues and me being on the asexual spectrum that caused me to just not like sex in general. But after doing a lot of therapy exploring why I'm so anxious about a lot of stuff, I realized that the intense pain i used to feel almost disappear completely. Nowadays, i can even use my own hand to stimulate my clit, which is something i used to be afraid and uncomfortable about.

but the thing is, i still kinda have difficulty inserting my finger into my vagina. I'm not dating anyone right now, so i only try it when i'm in the mood. i think i can insert one finger when my period is about to arrive, but I don't really feel anything? like I'm only sure that i actually inserted it by seeing my wet finger. and around other times of the month i don't really think i can put it in there, like i try to feel around the area but my finger just can't really slip in.

as for now, since i'm only doing it for my own pleasure, i am happy with just stimulating my clit for about 95% of the time. but in the rare occasion when i want to insert my finger, i either don't really feel anything or just can't. and that makes me worry that when i have a partner in the future, what if i won't be able to do it. i guess my problem is more likely caused by my underlying anxiety about sex since it did get better after therapy? i'm also a bit scared that it is vaginismus but i don't think my condition is as serious as that?

Hey sparklingstar,

People start having sex at many different ages; just because you haven't had sex yet in your life doesn't mean that it's something you won't be able to do in the future, or that delaying penetrative sex will negative impact your experience. I'm glad to hear that you have had the opportunity to talk about your anxiety in therapy and to explore that facet of your life and sexuality.

As for your difficulty with penetration/insertion, there are multiple reasons why you could be struggling with fitting more than one finger that aren't vaginismus! When you masturbate, do you feel like you produce enough lubrication? Even if you get adequately 'wet', you may want to look into getting lube to make the process easier in the beginning. If you want to actively try to get your body used to penetration slowly and comfortably, you may also want to look into dilators.

Hello,
I think that when i took the time to actually get aroused and just be patient with myself, it makes inserting my finger significantly easier. So i guess that i should just take everything slower and do it when i'm actually feeling it.

As for the dilators, i don't think that is something i really wanna do right now. Since the inability to insert more than one finger isn't really impacting my own masturbation experience negatively right now (i think i actually prefer stimulating my clit anyway). I guess i'm just concerned that when i actually happen to have sex in the future, it would be pretty awkward if my partner couldn't insert anything haha. People always make it sound so easy to just stick something in there and it makes me feel weird for not really being able to do that.

Hi sparklingstar,

I agree that taking it slow and only trying to insert things when you feel really aroused is a good plan! Too, if external stimulation feels best to you--which is a pretty common experience, given how nerve dense the clitoris is compared to the vaginal canal--I agree that sticking with that makes sense.

You're right that inserting things into the vaginal canal is often presented as easy/instantaneous, just like it's often presented as a necessary part of sex. But the truth is, there's no activity that HAS to be part of sex. Even if internal stimulation never felt good to you, that wouldn't mean you couldn't have a happy, satisfying sex life with a partner, you know?

Hello,
Thank you for the reply! That last part of your reply is extremely reassuring to hear. I guess that a part of me is just worried that I won't be able to pleasure other people and will then result in a failed relationship. Or the possibility that something about my body is physically wrong. But since I'm single for now, I think I should try and care about my own feelings first. And who knows? Maybe when I meet someone that I have enough trust in, I'll be able to relax more and actually do it.

So I think that for now, I'll just stick with what I prefer at the moment and try out other stuff when I feel like it.

Hi Sparklingstar,

I’m glad what Sam said was helpful, and I think your plan sounds great! Indeed, sex can happen in a lot of ways, many of which do not involve inserting things into the vaginal canal. In the same way that you’re finding ways to pleasure yourself without vaginal entry, there are also many ways to pleasure a partner without vaginal entry. So, when you have a partner in the future, you can certainly use the tools you’ve learned here like making sure you’re aroused and lubricated first, but you can also rest assured that there are ways to have sex with a partner that don’t involve vaginal entry (oral sex, manual sex, frottage or humping, making out, etc.)

I think you’re right that when you meet someone that you can trust, it may be easier to relax enough to accommodate vaginal entry. But even if you still don’t want vaginal entry for any reason, that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you as a person or a partner. And you’re right about caring for your feelings first: Even when you’re in a partnership, learning how to listen to yourself and prioritize your wellbeing is so important because it helps you show up for other people, too. I would keep going with your plan to explore what makes *you* feel good without expectation of what that should look like. How does that sound to you?

Hello,
That does sound like a good plan! I agree that not having expectation to what I should do does make me feel better about just exploring what I like freely.

The reason that I brought up having a trust-worthy partner may make things easier is because as a demisexual person, having sexual attraction to that certain person can make me feel aroused significantly easier. To be honest, ever since I got over an 18-month long crush, I haven't felt THAT aroused ever since. Not that it's bothering me though, I can still take care of my needs on my own even without a person that I'm attracted to. It's just that having an actual person does make it a lot easier, so that's why I brought it up.

I will continue to focus on myself in the meantime though!

Hi Sparklingstar,

Thank you for sharing this information! I’m glad you brought up being demisexual and needing to feel more trust first, that is really important to know, and you’re so right. As you know, feelings of closeness and trust go hand-in-hand with feeling comfortable enough to feel aroused, *particularly* for demisexual folks. So, when you develop feelings of closeness and trust with someone, you may end up feeling much better about vaginal entry! I’m glad it isn’t bothering you, though, and I’m glad to hear you’re focusing on yourself in the meantime.