What's right?

[isxlatedd]

My boyfriend is my best friend. I've known him for a bit over 2 years and we have been dating for almost 3 months. I've liked him for about a year. My family knows we are dating and everything and same with his and I've met all of his family and all that jazz. I really am just so confused.
I love him. Maybe I'm too young to say that but I really do; I love him as my best friend and as my boyfriend. I'm confused on what the right thing is. You see we do make out, like full on making out and only a few of my friends know and that's it. But the rest, no one else knows. He's touched my butt, my boobs, he's actually sucked my boobs, he's fingered me (not all the way to where I finish but fingered non the less), we've both given and received hickeys, and just two nights ago I touched him down their for the first time. At first through his jeans and then just for a bit under but he kept going soft when I did that and he said it was in an awkward position and I just stopped. I used to be weird about down there for guys but really, it wasn't weird for me and I didn't mind it at all. Well I don't regret it when I'm alone. But then when I'm with my friends, I feel like I'm a slut and then I begin to wonder what they'd think of me if they knew or what my mother would think. But that's only when I'm with them. Really, I don't regret it though. But then he said what we do isn't right at this age but we do it because we are human and we are filled with greed and it gives us pleasure. And that didn't make me feel too good because I now I wonder is it really wrong? Everything is by age now and everyone is so judgmental and I just want an actual real opinion. Is what we are doing right or wrong? Even tho I feel perfectly fine with doing it? And what would an appropriate age be to give a blow job? He wouldn't ever pressure me into anything and he respects my boundaries but I have been thinking about it because I want to pleasure him and I don't think it's be that terrible. But then would that make me a slut? Would it be even more wrong? I know that I'm not ready for him to eat me out but I want to do that eventually to him. By the way I'm 14 and he's 13. So I'm just sortve confused. Please help. Thank you so much.

[Sam W]

Hi isxlated,

The answer to your question is a little tricky. Because if you're asking me if it's wrong to be sexual, or to want to be sexual, even at 14, then the answer is a solid no. But the more complicated answer is that everyone has their own comfort level and own readiness level when it comes to this, and that comfort level can be effected by all sorts of things (we've actually got a lot of content on the main site about knowing if you're ready for sex, is sex or sexual desire shameful, etc. Have you taken a look at any of it?). It's up to you to decide when is the right time for you to do certain things.

The thing is, there are many cultural messages that contradict what I just said, and you're running into a lot of them. Again, you get to decide which cultural messages around sex you want to believe and which you want to disregard. But I will point out that being sexually active has zero to do with someone's value as a person. Zip, nada, nothing.

The thing that gives me pause is that your boyfriend seems to think what you're doing is shameful yet unavoidable, and that's not a great place to be coming at sex from. I don't know about you, but when I am sexual with someone, I want to be with someone who is 100% into what's about to happen, not someone who thinks they're giving into some baser urges by being with me. So, if you two have not already, you need to have a frank, clear conversation about what you each want and are comfortable with in terms of sex, and work out ways that you'll hold to those boundaries (or adjust them as necessary). Does that sound doable?

[Keda]

Just to add, in terms of thinking about your own readiness for sex, thinking that "I don't think it'd be that terrible" about a given type of sex is usually a good sign that you probably shouldn't do it just now. Sex should be fun for everyone involved, and should be something the people doing it actively want - wanting to do things that you're pretty neutral about in order to give your partner pleasure is definitely a part of sexuality for lots of people, but it sounds to me like you're coming more from a place of "Well I guess it's a bit gross but eh". It's entirely your decision, of course, but I personally would hold off on sexual stuff which isn't actively exciting to you.

As regards to "slut"... I wonder if you could try to define that term? What behaviour, exactly, makes someone a slut? And is it the same for people of different genders?
Fact is that even if you come up with a definition, it's going to be one that the majority of people who use the word slut disagree with. Because what slut actually means is "woman who did something I don't like, so I'm going to be shitty to her." This is why I most commonly hear people being called sluts because they've made a political statement that a troglodyte disagrees with. I know you can't just magically escape being in a social context where people think the concept of a slut is meaningful; but I do think that you - and everyone - should try to bear in mind that it's not; it's just a word people use to make themselves feel justified about being horrible to women and girls. Maybe having a read of this would also shed some light on the infinite futility of trying not to be a slut: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/gende ... _im_a_slut

[Heather]

This piece may also come in handy for you: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... or_romance