Uncomfortable about my body. (and kinda my gender)

[Foreverl0st]

So I'm AFAB, and about 95% of the time, I feel feminine.
But every once in a while I get hit with a major rush of feeling like I have no gender, which I don't mind, except for the fact that I look super feminine, have no access to any way to make my body look less feminine (binders or masculine clothing) which kind of bothers me.
Usually I'll dress in really bulky jackets until it passes, but in summer that doesn't work that well.

In addition, I struggle a lot with my body image even outside of when I feel genderless.
I'm 5'10 and 180, which at 15 for a girl makes me stand out. I'm kinda muscular but still.
I worry a lot about my weight, and oftentimes dress in ways to try to hide that.
My parents complain when I dress how I prefer to, like shirts with lower necks or open backs, or anything that shows my shoulders. And I get that they expect some form of modesty out of me, but the only parts of my body I really like are the way my shoulders and back look, and not being allowed to show that off doesn't really help with my body image.

Anyone can reply and any tips would be VERY helpful.

[Ro S]

Hi Foreverl0st,

Thank you for sharing your experiences and what you've been struggling with lately here. I am so sorry that you feel like you can't wear what makes you feel confident and secure in your body because of parental expectations. I can see how that would be frustrating and not very helpful for your self-confidence and feeling at home in your body. Has there been a conversation with your parents about what you think about this? Let me know if this would be a possibility for you and if you'd like some guidance on how to start or have those conversations.

I think it's a very common experience for folks to have fluid concepts of their gender. Personally, I go through days where I also feel like being perceived as more agender. For me, that looks like wearing looser-fitting clothing and sometimes even wearing a hat when I had longer hair. In terms of wanting to make your body look less feminine, it seems like you have an emphasis on wanting to reduce the noticeability of your breasts. Am I understanding that right? Is there any ways that you desire to look when you're feeling "genderless"?

[Foreverl0st]

There has been no conversation, whenever I bring it up they just yell at me and tell me they know better as my parents.
They're also VERY homo/transphobic, which makes me feel like bringing up my discomfort over my gender would be unsafe.

Usually when I feel genderless, I kinda wanna look... More stick shaped. I have a very hourglass shaped body, with empathis on my thighs and chest, which I've never really been comfortable with, but it's worse when I feel genderless.
Usually when I feel genderless, I try to dress more masculine to try and even out the fact that my body is built in a very traditionally feminine way.
Usually that means I prefer wearing looser clothing and things that bring the emphasis away from my chest, like brighter pants. My thighs being more curvy doesn't bother me as much as my chest, so bringing the attention there kinda helps. I'll also usually try and put my hair in a bun so I don't feel it on the back of my neck, which helps me feel more genderless. Also, due to being taller than most women my age, I have a few pieces of clothing that are from the men's section, which if I mix and match with women's clothing can kinda help.
Usually when I feel genderless, I also prefer to wear gloves, especially fingerless gloves, because I keep getting told I have feminine hands and gloves make me look like a genderless hobo.
Though the people who told me that meant it as an insult, it still helps.
I also prefer to dress in darker colors when I feel genderless, especially on the cooler side of the color spectrum.

[Ro S]

Hey,

I'm sorry it feels like you can't speak to your parents about how you're feeling about your gender. Thank you for sharing all of your feelings and recent thoughts with us here though! I get that speaking with them about this topic is not safe so let's discuss things in a way that's more helpful - let's talk about you!

All that you shared about how you like to embody genderless makes sense to me! I resonate with a lot of what you shared, especially taking emphasis away from your chest and redirecting it to other parts of your body. Seems to me like you're doing the best you can with all that is available to you right now. So let me go back to the basics, what were you hoping to get some advice on/tips with your original post?

[Foreverl0st]

I guess mostly just for how to feel more comfortable. Talking was helpful, I just wish I felt safe in who I am.
Instead I know that if my parents ever found out that I sometimes feel genderless, I probably wouldn't have a place to stay, and that makes it risky for me to dress in the genderless way I prefer to, even if I have the clothes for it.
I've been trying to come up with ways to safely bind my chest, just for social events my parents won't be at, but without access to a binder, and knowing that even with all the websites I could apply for one at, others probably need it more, since it's not super common for me to feel genderless.
Usually I just try to pack bulk over my stomach to even out my figure, like by loosely tying a scarf under my shirt, but that doesn't work very well.

[Andy]

Hi there,

I’m so sorry to hear that your parents are making it unsafe for you to explore your gender expression. I know how it feels to live with the threat of serious consequences like being kicked out hanging above you all the time should your family find out about your identity. I know how limiting and scary it can be and I’m sorry you have to live with that. It might seem really far away now, but I hope it helps to hear that as you get older, you will gain more and more control about your life starting with things like your own means of transportation and getting money. And eventually there will come a time when you will no longer have to depend on your parents with things like housing and financial support and you will be free to wear, say or do whatever you want and need to.
Let us know if there is any aspect of living with homo/transphobic parents that you would like to talk about more even if it’s just venting. We are here to hear you out and offer support and advice if you want.

As for the practical stuff, have they already mentioned some suspicion/disapproval about the way you dress and your gender? If not, maybe it might be worth trying wearing some pieces that make you feel comfortable even if they aren’t labeled as "women’s". I would say, these days it’s quite common even for cis women to wear gender neutral/masculine clothes often purely for comfort. So there’s a fairly good chance your parents won’t assume anything about your gender from them either.

As for getting a binder, it’s kind of you that you are thinking about others who might need it too but I don’t see it as a contest of who needs it the most (and the organisations that provide them don’t see it like that either). The only requirement for getting one should be needing it and needing it, in my opinion ,means knowing/thinking it can help you feeling better about your body, which is something you have already expressed. So if you have a safe way of getting and storing a binder at home, it might be something to try. How does that sound?

[Foreverl0st]

My parents have been complaining about me dressing too far off of the feminine scale, which means I can't really try to branch out, it'd be too risky.
And for the binder, though I do have places I could hide it so my parents don't find out, it wouldn't be easy to safely get one, and due to being homeschooled, I spend a large portion of my time at home, meaning I wouldn't be able to use it often without it being noticed.

[Sam W]

Hi Foreverl0st,

I do want to check, since it sounds like you're pretty isolated and your parents are keeping a close eye on you: Do you think there's a chance they monitoring your internet usage at all, or might do things like check your phone or browser history without warning? Your safety is always the most important thing, and it sounds like they would NOT react well if they found out you were talking here.

If how you dress seems to be drawing your parents attention, what about things like body care products (shampoo, soap, deodorant, etc)? Those might help you feel like you're expressing your gender (or lack of it) in a way that's more subtle but is still affirming.

[Foreverl0st]

Oh, don't worry. I know they go through my device history, but I keep stuff like this on private browsing and then have various webpages open off of private browsing so that it looks like I spend my time looking at those. It's not the easiest system, but it works. I also had to set up a spare email address that they don't know about for sites like this.

My parents control what deodorant, shampoo, and conditioner I can use.
All I really have access to is floral and fruity smells, and even if I try to use the excuse that a different brand would be better for my hair, get mad. At best sometimes we get unscented deodorant to use.

[KierC]

Hi Foreverl0st,

I’m glad to hear you have a plan in place to protect your internet history. The private browser is a great idea, and so is having your own email address!

I’m sorry to hear about how controlling they are, though, especially down to the shampoo you use. I can imagine that feeling pretty limiting. Would you like some ideas on ways you could express yourself given what you’re able to do now? I have some ideas on media that may help and maybe art-making ideas to explore your identity in a safe space, but don’t want to bombard you with suggestions without asking.

Separately, I do want to add my vote in that you *do* deserve a free binder if you want one, and shouldn’t have to feel badly that you’re taking one from others. If you want one and can’t buy one, those programs are for you, too.

[Foreverl0st]

Yeah, I could take some suggestions on how to express myself, that would be helpful.

And sadly, I have no safe physical address to get it sent to, nor would I be able to wear it the majority of the time, because my parents would notice.

[KierC]

Hi Foreverl0st,

Here’s some suggestions on ways you may be able to explore your identity and self-expression given the space you currently have to explore. This is not an exhaustive list, and it comes from personal experience from myself and friends discovering our identities, so I would look at this list and pick out what, if anything, sounds joyful and fun for you to do. (To give some context on how this list came about, I came out as genderqueer during the initial lockdown during 2020, and I needed some ways to express myself when I was inside most of the time). Some suggestions to consider may be:

Queer media: Seeking out media that resonates with you, either because the characters look like you or remind you of your own experiences, can go a long way to giving yourself more space to explore self-expression freely. This can be things like comic books, graphic novels, books/poetry, movies, TV shows, video games, music, etc. We have a great introductory article to finding your favorite queer media here: How To Find Queer Media

Art-making: Make your own queer media! Art-making can be a really helpful tool to express thoughts, feelings, memories, and desires in a contained and safe space. You don’t have to be an “artiste” either and the art doesn’t have to look any certain way — I like to think of it more as prompting yourself to be playful than trying to make a product. If you find, too, that there’s not a safe space to physically store art in, there’s plenty of ways to make art online using paint tools or online collage! Some prompts to consider:
- Create your safe space!
- Create your “outside self” vs. your “inside self”
- Create your body as it feels, not as it looks
- Create your own avatar to use wherever you’d like! You can make it look like you, and stylized however you want. This might give you a way to experiment with different hairstyles, clothes, etc. without it being visible to your parents.

Also, not sure if you’re into online games at all, but there’s a pretty big community of queer folks who make their own indie games on Twine. There’s a bunch of creators who use Twine to make queer media — you can essentially make your own game, and walk the player through a world of your own creation. There’s a book on it called Video Games for Humans if you’re interested in what that sort of thing looks like!

Do any of those sound interesting to explore, or is there anything above you’d like more information on?

[Foreverl0st]

Well, I like exploring queer media when I can , but sometimes it's risky.
However, i love to read, and my parents can't check every book i read, since I go through 200 to 700 a year, so I do like the idea of further looking into that.
As well as some TV shows, since I'm a big fan of three that do have queer characters.
Making art could also be a good outlet for expressing how my gender feels.

[Andy]

I’m glad Kier’s suggestions sound helpful!

The article includes some tips on how to access media safely but if you want, we can brainstorm some other ideas specifically for your situation with you.
And if you would like some specific book or TV show recommendation you can check the lists at the end of the article that our team has put together or let us know what you are looking for and someone will chime in with their ideas (we have a lot of book lovers on our team!).

I also wanted to ask if you have someone close to you, perhaps a friend, who you can be safely out to?

[Foreverl0st]

I'll see if the article's ideas will work, and if not, then we could try and brainstorm for ideas.
And I'll also check the different fandoms at the end, see if any fit my wants, and if there aren't any good ones, I can ask.

I don't really have that many friends, and the majority of my social time is at church (my family is Christian).
So most of my church friends would probably be judgemental towards that, though two of them might not be the most judgemental.
I do have a transmasc friend online though that I could possibly tell about this.
He has a kinda similar situation, and wouldn't be judgemental.

[Sam W]

Hi Foreverl0st,

If you can safely do so, I think it's worth coming out to your online friend, just so you can have at least one person in your social circles who you know sees you as you are and supports you in it. Too, by engaging with us here on the boards, and with other users, you're also finding a queer space that you can be a part of and be yourself in, which is a big step in terms of taking care of yourself when you can't be more widely out.

Since I'm the one who wrote the queer media article, I want to highlight one tip that I think is really helpful: there is a lot of media, especially books, where the queerness of the content, the author, or both is not even remotely obvious from looking at it. Some personal favorites of mine are "The Last Days of the Dinosaurs," "How Far the Light Reaches" (those two are nonfiction), "Carry On," and "Gideon the Ninth." Do check the covers to make sure there aren't blurbs that give away the queerness. But a benefit of increasing queer representation is that there are more and more books where that's present without being the center of the story, thus making it fly under the radar.

Too, you may also want to check out the advice in this piece, since I think a lot of it could be useful in terms of finding subtle or stealthy ways to connect with your identity: How to Celebrate Pride From Home (even if you can't be out)