i thought i was lesbian or bisexual but i'm not even sure anymore

[fresariver]

Hello! I recently started a new job three weeks ago at an ice cream place and the guy that trained me was a boy my age who was surprisingly really nice and funny! Because of this, he was one of the people I spoke to the most whenever I went to work and we got pretty close (I would also like to note that before this I identified as a lesbian, it'll be important in a second.)

He stopped showing up around last week but we had gotten each other's numbers to talk outside of work before he stopped showing up and I noticed he seemed kind of down when we texted. I ended up calling him after work one night and we spoke for a little and stuff and he told me that he was at a city 3 hours away because of family stuff. It's been about two days since that first call and we've been calling each other when I come home from class and he gets off of work (he's homeschooled and staying at his uncle's ranch as of right now while his family stuff gets sorted out.) I really do think he's a nice person and he's super sweet and funny and I thought "Oh, hey! Maybe I'm bisexual after all!" and left it at that. However, I thought about it some more and I don't think that's the case after all and I actually am a lesbian. I just don't think I could see myself with a guy or dating a guy and doing that stuff, but at the same time maybe it's me limiting myself to try and fit a label? The reason I thought I was bi was because I felt *something* - I don't know what- whenever we spoke on the phone but when I think about actually being with him or a guy at all it's like kind of a pit in my stomach? Kind of hard to explain when I'm not sure what it is myself I could easily see myself with a woman, however, just the idea makes me feel happy but I honestly have no clue.

And like I said, we've been calling every afternoon and it's kind of to the point where I think we're at a talking stage right now, which, if I do realize I don't actually like him, I have no clue how I would go forward with telling him since he's quite literally my coworker and a really nice person overall. Any comments or help would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks in advance

[KierC]

Hi there fresariver

It sounds to me like you’ve made a pretty good friend at work! It also sounds like you’ve been struggling with your identity as a lesbian and how that may be impacted when you meet someone who isn’t a woman, but who still makes you feel nice.

I really do think he's a nice person and he's super sweet and funny and I thought "Oh, hey! Maybe I'm bisexual after all!" and left it at that. However, I thought about it some more and I don't think that's the case after all and I actually am a lesbian. I just don't think I could see myself with a guy or dating a guy and doing that stuff, but at the same time maybe it's me limiting myself to try and fit a label?

I think what you’ve said here is so important, and really the crux of what I want to say, too: it’s normal to feel nice when someone is nice to you, but that doesn’t automatically mean you’re not a lesbian. There’s a lot of societal pressure that wants women to value and desire sexual and romantic attraction from men, and this can cause a range of crappy feelings for women who are genuinely not attracted to men, including the anxiety of “am I a lesbian or not.” Importantly, I think a lot of lesbians would resonate with what you’re saying: that guys can be nice and funny and make you feel good, but you just couldn’t see yourself dating them.

With regard to how to communicate with him going forward: I have been in a similar situation and can speak to this! I think, unless you’ve told him that you’re attracted to him, there’s no need to tell him that you’re not attracted to him unless he brings it up. I think being coworkers is a good thing too because you already kind of have that platonic boundary set, where going further into romantic or sexual interactions with him could make work tricky (I would not advise dating a coworker). Know what I mean? Too, when I read your post I immediately remembered Latha’s post to you about potentially wanting to make more male friends. Do you feel like your coworker could be the start of you normalizing male friendships in your life? How would you feel about developing a friendship with him?

With regard to fitting a label, you’re right that it’s not necessary to use any specific words to describe your identity — only if *you* want to and it feels right for you. Are you feeling particular pressure to “label” yourself? If so, would you like to talk a bit more about where you feel that pressure is coming from? I think there is quite a leap going from “he’s a nice person” to “maybe I’m not a lesbian” that might signal some deeper feelings about identity. Do you want to talk about where that leap came from?

[fresariver]

Hello, thank you for your reply!

We ended up calling later that day (yesterday night) and he ended up asking me to go to dinner with him to this restaurant in town. He didn't specifically say "it's a date" but it was very implied I would've explained everything to him at the moment but I was at home and my parents could've over heard and I'm not out to them yet. I'm thinking about calling him later today when I'm alone and telling him everything and just setting that boundary so I don't have to keep putting myself in this position and so he's not being led on.

As for the being his friend thing I honestly do want to be his friend!! He's super funny and I'd have no problem with that and I'm hoping he says we can stay friends even though I feel like I've been leading him on.

Lastly, I think that "leap" has a lot less to do with my sexuality and more with external factors. I really struggle with having male friends (like you mentioned I said in a previous post) because my father was never present in my life so in my head I kind of get attatched to any male figures. Of course that's not the entire reason but that paired with (what I think is) lesbian comphet makes everything so much more confusing and the same thing happens where I think I like the guy and then and a day later I realize could never be with one and ahhh

I've tried not having any labels as well but I feel a lot better with a label because of the sense of community it brings with other people that also identify with the same label, you know? Plus, I feel really comfortable with lesbianism and I've no problem in calling myself lesbian, it's just all confusing and I get in my head

[HannahP]

Hi Fresariver!

I see that this whole question about how you identify and how it aligns with your recent experiences has been on your mind lately. I get what you mean about wanting to hold onto a label that carries a sense of community with it, plus a lot of personal history!

That being said, it sounds like a big part of what's tripping you up is when you start to think long term, right? The uncomfortable "pit in your stomach" feeling comes up when you start to think about being in a serious relationship with a guy or "ending up" with one? I wonder if one way to navigate this current situation is to try to focus more on your feelings in the moment. Sometimes in the excitement of meeting a new person, we can forget that it's totally okay to not know what role, if any, you're going to want that new person to play in your life ahead of time. The "talking stage" or even just getting to know a new platonic friend or coworker is exactly the right time to just spend time with the person and pay attention to how you feel when you're around them.

So, when you think about going to dinner with this new friend, how does it make you feel? Excited? Nervous? Happy? Uncomfortable? Anxious? Identifying how you feel can help you figure out how you want to approach the situation, and can be a good way to bring it up to him ("Hey, I wanted to tell you I'm excited about getting to know you, but I'm feeling a little nervous because...")

I understand how your background and learning about comphet is making it harder to trust your own feelings and judgments and making this whole thing seem much more confusing! But I want to encourage you to consider yourself the expert on your experiences and your identity. You're doing a great job piecing apart this experience — for example, noticing that you feel something positive when talking with your friend on the phone, but something negative when you think about being in a relationship. That's really useful information! Keep paying attention to how you're feeling, what feels good and what feels bad, and see if you can be open to the possibility of those things shifting over time. How does that sound?

[fresariver]

Hello!

Yes, that sounds great! I spoke to him yesterday and we both agreed to stay friends. I just thought about it more and realized that I just didn't have that connection/ could see it happening with him and decided to stay friends instead. He was really nice about it and understood without getting upset

Thank you for all your help!!

[Sam W]

Hi fresariver,

I'm so glad the conversation went well, and the Kier and Hannah were able to help you out!