Scarleteen

I am new to this website and have wanted to get this off my chest for a while. I think this subject is too taboo to talk about, even to my close friends, so I feel like this is the safest place for me to talk about this.

In high school, I had one and only one boyfriend, who would frequently coerce me into having sex with him. Every time I said no, I'm 14/15 and that is weird, I'm definitely too young for that. But I also had no interest in it, I found it disgusting, in fact. Of course, with very little knowledge of sex and only knowing "penis goes in the vagina and also you might make out", I assumed that meant I was asexual (I had just learned what that meant at the time). I ended up identifying with that for about 6/7 years, and I found comfort in that identity.

Soon after escaping that relationship, I questioned my romantic orientation, and determined I liked girls as well. Easy enough, I thought. Later in high school, I had a massive crush on a girl, but it was only romantic feelings.

Entering college, I soon began dating a girl, who was also asexual. Already so much better than my last relationship. The most we did was spoon and kiss, and I was content with that. A couple years later we broke it off, mostly because of a loss of feelings. Shortly after the breakup, I began to question my sexuality for the first time since high school, and considered the possibility of not being asexual. Maybe since my definition of sex was so narrow and mainly focused on man-woman, I should do some research and try to rediscover myself. That is how I found this website, and it has been pretty helpful for my understanding of different topics.
I tried to masturbate, at least my idea of it, which was just fingering. It wasn't super interesting, and kind of hurt, and I was confused why they wouldn't go up very far. I had no perception of female anatomy and am honestly still a bit confused. Looking more into it, I learned about the clitoris, so I tried that out. Just very sensitive, sort of hurt, but no feeling of arousal. Touching other parts of my body? Feels alright, but didn't get much enjoyment from it. Ok, maybe it's because I'm not doing it when I'm horny? Or I should try toys? I don't think I've ever felt "horny", honestly. I wouldn't know what it feels like. Plus, I would not want my parents finding a vibrator in my room, and what if it doesn't work on me? $50+ down the drain.
The most "arousal" I've felt is when being spooned with skin-to-skin contact, and massaging my vulva while on my period, since it can feel more tender/sore during that time.
So what the hell do I do? I want to get enjoyment out of masturbation, especially since I'm currently single, but all of my attempts have been frustrating and unsuccessful. I know this isn't a unique experience, but I have felt so isolated and lost. I feel like its way too late for me to be new to this, like I've got years of learning and experience to catch up on. Maybe I am still asexual, or something else is up with my mind or body. I have no clue.

Thanks to anyone who reads and/or responds to this.

-Faye

Hi there Faye, and welcome to the boards!

I am glad you feel safe discussing this here. You’re right that a lot of people view this as taboo, but it’s not taboo here!

I’m so sorry to hear that your ex boyfriend chose to coerce you. Nobody deserves to be coerced or told they’re ready before they are. I’m glad you were able to get out of that situation, but I’m sorry it happened to you.

I hear you that, after identifying as asexual and experiencing only romantic attraction, you’re starting to wonder if the asexuality has anything to do with having had a narrow definition of sex. You know, I do think a lot of folks can have a narrow definition of sex, and that can certainly impact how they end up feeling in sexual encounters. For example, if you feel that sex is just penis-in-vagina sex, but that kind of sex doesn’t feel good for you, you may end up feeling like sex in general just isn’t enjoyable at all. So I think you’re right with that, but I don’t want you to discount your own lived experience and feelings about sex. Meaning, if you expand your definition of sex and *still* feel like it’s just not for you, and want to still identify as asexual, there is *nothing* wrong with that. You might indeed be asexual! Overall, you’re the expert on yourself, and the only person who will be able to tell you if you’re asexual is you. With that in mind, does identifying as asexual right now feel good For You? Do you still feel comfortable with that identify, or is it changing a bit?

I hear you, too, that you’re exploring masturbation and want to see if you can make it more enjoyable. You know, a lot of folks find that vaginal entry just doesn’t feel good, instead preferring more external stimulation with the clitoris, vulva, or other erogenous zones, or anal stimulation. It sounds, though, like you’re not feeling aroused when you masturbate through vaginal entry and with clitoral stimulation, but you’ve felt arousal with spooning and massaging the vulva. Massaging the vulva is actually a very common way that folks enjoy masturbating, and you’re right that when you’re on your period, it may feel more intense. In terms of “what to do,” I would start by continuing with what feels good. So, if massaging the vulva when you’re on your period feels good, maybe explore some more vulva massage techniques next time you’re on your period, and see if any techniques feel good for you when you’re off your period too. You could also experiment with different directions and intensity of massage (going from “up to down” or “left to right,” or in circles), and see if anything feels good for you. One idea I have, too, is to incorporate lubricant. It may mimic the feeling of being on your period, at least in terms of moisture, and allow you to have more intensity with less pain.

I’m sorry you’ve felt so alone in this. I want you to know that you’re in good company — plenty of people are going through this with you. For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re late on figuring this out, either. People tend to think that this stuff gets figured out really early on in life, and while that happens for some people, *a lot* of folks end up figuring out what feels good a bit later in life. That doesn’t mean that you’re wrong or bad or anything. You’re living in your body and figuring it out at your own pace!

How are you feeling about all of that?

Yes, I remember when I first started questioning my sexuality, I was thinking 'oh god, I'm just a fake, it's what everyone says about asexuals, that they just need to try it and they'll be fixed', but a discussion with a friend made me realize it's ok to question, sexuality is never one concrete thing, and if you felt connected with asexuality for that long, surely it wasn't all useless. I still lived in fear from that, though.
I think, right now at least, I'm a little in between ace and allo, and still questioning for sure. I know there are other ace adjacent identities, like grey-asexual or demisexual, but I don't want to label myself right now. I simply want to try new things and see how it turns out.

I will say I think I'm comfortable with trying anything, except for anal stimulation, that's too far out of my comfort zone.
I have definitely used period blood as a form of lubrication, even sometimes using discharge during ovulation, but I've never incorporated an outside lubricant. Although most times I have tried to masturbate, it was while showering, so I supposed I have used water as a lubricant, too. I've never considered using or buying lube, since I'd feel weird using household items or purchasing lube meant for sexual purposes.
I am feeling a little better about this. I truly appreciate your advice and solace. Of course I still have a long way to go, so I'm always up for further discussion and advice. Thanks so much, KierC!

Hi there, faye_26,

I’m so glad Kier’s answer was helpful!
I think exploring your sexuality before deciding what, if any, words you want to use to describe your identity is a really good approach and "trying new things and seeing how it turns out" sounds like the best mindset for that! After all, there is no time, or any other, limit for that. Let us know if there are any other aspects of this you would like to talk about or if some resources about asexuality or sexuality in general would be helpful.

You mentioned not knowing how arousal might feel to you so I would like to give you this article, one of my favorites on this site, that talks about the process of sexual response, desire, arousal and also gives examples of how it might feel for some people: Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide. You also talked about not wanting to buy a vibrator at the moment but if you would still like to explore how vibration as a stimulation might feel for you I recommend this article that provides ideas on how to make some easy-to-get items into sex toys: D.I.Y Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition

Lastly, do you want to talk more about the discomfort you feel around buying lube?

Thank you for the articles. The first one gave me a better idea of desire vs arousal. I think so far I have experienced more curiosity than actual desire, or wanting to try something "just because".
I may consider buying/making a DIY sex toy. Since I've tried masturbating in the shower before, a removable shower head would be great to try, but I don't have one in my house.
I think with lube it would be the strangeness of buying and owning it, I'd feel almost shame, even if I could hide it well. And even condoms, for sex toys.

Hi faye_26,

With lube specifically, does it feel like the shame around having it is tied to it being something associated with sex? Or is it coming from somewhere else?

Sam,
I suppose it's because it's tied to sex. And maybe I'm afraid because it is a new, almost foreign thought to me, and it feels strange.

Got it. So, one thing that might help with those feelings is to remember that things associated with sex aren't inherently bad or wrong. And if they feel that way, that might indicate that there are some bigger messages around sex itself being inherently shameful that you might want to spend some time unpacking (and if that's the case, we're happy to have those conversations with you).

With it being new, what if you thought of that as being a positive aspect rather than a potentially negative one? In other words, here's a new thing that, by most accounts, helps people experience more comfort and pleasure, and you get to try it out.