Scarleteen

Hi! I've been with my boyfriend since October of last year. We didn't become sexually active until November and he was my first. Our sex life from then till now has been amazing except I just can't orgasm. I do it on my own all the time. But I notice that I usually only masturbate with porn. When I try to do it without porn it takes unusually longer or sometimes I don't come at all, unless I'm using a toy. My boyfriend does everything right in bed we openly communicate and he knows I don't usually orgasm with him, and I know he tries his best. We usually use a toy on me after he comes so I can come too, but I don't want it to be like that every time. I'd like to manually orgasm with him. I understand needing a little help, but I can't help but wonder if I possibly have a porn addiction that has led me to not be able to orgasm without it? I know that some couples watch porn together, but I'm not super open to that unless its to replicate positions.

We try everything, oral and hand stuff but no matter how long it goes for I just dont come. I feel bad because it goes on for hours with breaks at a time. He says its the bare minimum and he and I are open to anything that may help me orgasm. I've noticed that sometimes I'll be on the beginning stage of getting an orgasm but when he keeps going I don't get the orgasm. We aren't too worried about this right now, because we know we have the rest of our lives to figure it out with each other, but I'm afraid I may not improve over time, or I just won't orgasm. I am sexually attracted, emotionally and physically attracted to my boyfriend and I'm in love with him. But I don't know what to do. Is it me?

Hi PrettyPrincess,

It’s great that your sex life with your boyfriend is fulfilling and happy so far, but I hear you that not being able to orgasm when you’re with him is frustrating. It’s easy to blame yourself in this situation, but this doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you or that you’re doing anything wrong when it comes to sex.

If it’s easiest for you to orgasm during masturbation while watching porn, that’s okay, and it doesn’t mean you have a porn addiction, or have trained yourself to only be able to orgasm in one way. It may take longer without porn, but no amount of time is unusual. As for porn addiction, that term usually just gets thrown around because of the shame and stigma that surrounds porn and sexuality in general, that makes people feel like they’re watching “too much”. The only time watching porn becomes a problem is if it’s causing you distress or leading you to neglect other parts of your life like sleep, work, school, etc.

It’s also completely okay to have partnered sex without orgasms. I’m not saying it’s impossible to orgasm with your partner, just that it’s not something to you have to feel ashamed of or guilty about. Since you and your boyfriend already have great, open communication and are open to trying different things so you can orgasm when you’re together, you’re already handling this in a really positive way. It sounds like this may be a matter of incorporating what you already know works for you personally into your shared sex life.

If you don’t feel comfortable watching porn with your boyfriend, you don’t have to, but that’s not your only option. You can try sharing the scenarios in the porn that you like with him, and the two of you can incorporate them into dirty talk, for example. That can help you connect sex with your boyfriend to the fantasies that already help you orgasm, which could make it easier for you to orgasm when you’re with him.

It’s also important to not put pressure yourself. That’s easier said than done, I know, but thinking of this as something you need to improve or fix is only gonna stress you out or make you feel bad about yourself, and nobody wants that.

How does all that sound to you?