Scarleteen

TW:COCSA

I’m currently 24 and about 5 years ago I remembered some memories from when I was about the ages 11/12. I had unfiltered access to the internet and had developed both a porn and masturbation addiction at this age. It makes me sick to write this but I used to play a game with my sister (5 years younger) where I would touch her behind(I believe it was over a layer of clothing but the memories are hazy) but I would masturbate without her knowledge. It makes me sick to even type this out. In one of the memories I remember asking her if she wanted to play the game (I think I called it mummy and daddy) and she said no and we carried on playing with our toys. I forgot all this and we have a brilliant relationship now but I can’t look at her without feeling immensely guilty and this guilt intensifies whenever I encounter media on criminals. When I got older about two years ago I broke down and told my dad who chalked it up to childhood curiosity but he also didn’t ask details about what happened and I think that’s what changes this situation (plus the 5 year age gap). After a very low point I reached out to a therapist last month (who specialises in trauma, has worked with youth sexual offenders as well as adults with these kind of resurfaced memories). We’ve done inner child work and contextualising the events but she has said she doesn’t consider this as abuse which I fundamentally disagree with. I recently gave my sister a general apology for being a bad older sister when we were kids and asked if she wanted to talk about anything from when we were young but she just seemed confused. I feel like an evil person for just living my life knowing what I’ve done and I’d like an outside perspective on this.

Hi Xena,

It sounds like these memories, and this fear that you've perpetuated abuse, is causing you a lot of distress. So, let's see if we can untangle things a bit.

From what you've described here, I'm inclined to agree with your therapist that this falls more within the category of childhood experimentation than abuse. I say that for a few reasons. One is that it sounds like when she said she didn't want to play, you didn't force or coerce her into continuing, which is one of the main hallmarks of abuse of any kind. Too, it sounds like you yourself lacked at least some of the context for the activity, given that you'd learned about it through sexual media that you didn't have any healthy frame of reference for.

I think it's also important to note that your sister either doesn't remember this, or doesn't remember it in a way that she views as traumatic, and that the two of you have an overall really positive relationship. If some of your guilt is attached to the fear that this harmed her, from what you've shared here there doesn't seem to be evidence that she feels it did so. Does that make sense?

Thank you so much for the quick response. I believe my biggest source of guilt comes from the fact that she didn’t actually know what I was doing during these games. And although we have a good relationship now I fear that if she repressed these memories and they resurfaced they could cause her a lot of pain. I have gone through how I’d apologise for what I did with my therapist. But I just feel like people say different things to victim and the perpetrator. If she came to me and called me her abuser I couldn’t deny that knowing these details about the interaction. I’m sorry I’m finding it hard to type out my thoughts please let me know if I need to clarify further.

You're welcome!

So, I absolutely understand that fear that if she does remember them, or comes to see them in a new, that would cause her harm. But that's one of those things there's simply no way to predict or control. Depending on what your therapist recommends, you I wonder if you might find some benefit in talking through what you would do if she DID come to you one day and say "hey, that game we used to play was really messed up." Sometimes having a plan for what you feel is the worst case scenario can make that scenario feel way less intimidating.

I think some additional context might be helpful in parsing out why your therapist and myself have said this seems more like normal childhood experimentation when, if she came to us and disclosed that this happened AND she felt traumatize or harmed by it, we might say something different. One thing is that how the person on the receiving end of a behavior feels does, to some a large degree, determine what it's called and how it's responded to.

Too, a term like COCSA exists as a legal term more than anything else. It came into being because there was a gap in the law in terms of how it perceived sexual assault between minors (so, anyone under 18. A lot of COCSA cases involve teenagers). So, at a certain point, something could be harmful without technically falling under the legal definition of COCSA, and that would necessitate a different response than your case does, since she doesn't feel harmed by it.

Thank you again. It’s really helpful having a fully outside perspective on this. I have gone through what I’d say with my therapist if what I did really caused her harm. I wish you well

You're very welcome, and I'm so glad talking here was helpful!