Scarleteen

It's been over a year since the assault happened. After breaking up with my assualter I made terrible decisions that hurt me . I got into relationships trying to prove to myself I was ohk, also I felt that having sex and enjoying it would be an indication that I can still feel so I tried that only hurting myself. I got into relationships with guys who loved me and knew about the assualt but they tried to have sex with me seeing how uncomfortable I was. They'd try and help me move on (which i do think is on me because I myself was rushing my healing process). At the end of each relationship I realized I didn't even love them , in fact I eventually resented them, I would get anxiety whenever I had to see them but eventually I'd break things of. The 4th guy I dated after the assualt didn't know I was assualted I decided to keep it away from him. He was the first person I actually managed to love after all that happened, issue was he wasn't the right person to love as he was emotionally unavailable and he actually had a girlfriend (which he left for me so he says) but anyways I was proud even though it hurt when I had to break up with. I was glad i stoll knew how to love again.

After him I was single for quite a while (8 months) with a week relationship in between that happened.

Currently I'm in a relationship. The problem this time is this person was just someone I rented a fridge from. As time went on I got to know him, he'd take me out on dates , buy me food and all things I liked. I told him I wasn't looking for a relationship and he said we should take things slowly. Sure we did that. Another thing with him was that I've never been physically attracted to him . Its even more worse now since we're in a relationship now. I feel like I notice more icks now and continously see everything I don't like about him. I'm really uncomfortable with being near him . I really don't like it when he kisses me. Now om just lost on what to do because he's such a good person and is very caring about me. I feel like he's the type of person I need but I'm not certain I can get past how I'm really not attracted to him. I thought it would get better with time but it's still really difficult.

I just feel like I do things for him , like hugging and cuddling , I do it because I feel bad but not because I really want too. I really don't know what to do

Hi Bubblegumkid,

I'm sorry things have been so rough, and that dating overall has left you feeling pretty drained and pessimistic. There are a few different things going on here that I want to address, and hopefully some or all of it will be helpful to you!

The first thing is the situation with your current boyfriend. There can be this pressure to stay in a relationship that otherwise isn't for you because the person is nice or the person is someone you "should" be happy to be dating. But from you're own description, you don't really like this guy that much, you're uncomfortable being near him, and you're not attracted to him. The kindest thing to do for yourself would be to end the relationship. This is also the kindest thing to do for him. It's much kinder in the long run to go "hey, this isn't working out" than to stick around; you and he both deserve the chance to find someone who's excited to be with you. Does that make sense?

Too, I promise you that the things you do like about this guy will be present in other partners. By ending this relationship, you free yourself up to go find people who have those traits AND who you're attracted to and really click with.

All that being said, can you give me a sense of how much time since ending things with the person who assaulted you you've spent single and NOT actively trying to date? Too, you mention a healing process. What has that looked like for you? How does it feel like it's been going?

Thank you for your response, Sam

Yes you make perfect sense. Also through my dating experiences in the past year , I miss loving and not just being loved. I don't really think I can settle just for receiving without giving. Also you're completely right in saying I'm yet to meet partners who have the things I like about him. I'll definitely speak to him. I'm not sure , he'll ask.me why I'm ending things of course do I explain how there's no physical connection?

Surprising I'd say 5 months, that's the amount of time I've spent not actively looking for a reliable. Now that I say it I do signs of rushing myself. It's just that I do crave loving and being loved but maybe I'm not ready yet.

The healing process is up and down. I attend therapy which really helps. I just have a terrible tendency of running away from my emotions and any feelings because subconsciously I think I believe I should have "moved on" from the assualt (tendency of rushing myself again). I'm much better in emotional processing because I've learnt to be kinder to myself and allow myself to feel any emotions. With regards to have sex it's been almost a year of abstinence and honestly I'm not sure when I'll be ready for it