Scarleteen

Hello again,
Like I have said in my previous post I am a 15 year old trans girl. I am a High School Sophomore and have started at a new school which is going well so far, I have become friends with another trans girl who is also a Sophomore and in my English class there is a cis boy that I have a crush on. He seems nice and I think he is cute however I am a bit worried about being rejected due to being trans and I am a bit sad that if we were to start dating there would be limitations in the sex we would able to have. I plan on trying to become friends in the coming weeks and plan on telling him about my feelings later in the semester and would like some advice on how to manage dysphoria in a relationship and how to handle rejection if that happens. I also am wondering if I am too sexual for my age while I know that there are people my age that are way more sexual than me, I do frequently have fantasies about going to this boys house and going down on him and seeing his genitals. I sometimes feel a bit too dirty minded for my age.


Thank you,
Nat
(She/Her/Hers)

Hi Nat,

I'm actually going to tackle your last question first. Nothing you've described in this post, or in our other conversations on the boards, suggests that you're "too sexual" for your age. Honestly, I'm not a fan of the concept of someone being "too sexual," because so often it's used to shame people for feeling desire or curiosity or just, you know, being a person with a brain and hormones. Unless an interest sex is causing serious problems--like you're unable to work or go to school--then even a LOT of interest in or thoughts about it isn't cause for concern.

As for asking this guy out, I think getting to know him better is an excellent first step! If you decide to continue with the plan to ask him out, I really like this advice column as simple, clear breakdown of some things to keep in mind: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/relatio ... sk-guy-out. With rejection, I think the kindest way to prepare yourself for that possibility is to remember that none of us will be to everyone's taste; someone turning us down for a date doesn't mean there's anything wrong with us. It just means we're not a good fit for them. That can certainly suck, especially if we were really into the person, but it's also not the end of the world (even if it can sometimes feel like it). Too, if he rejects you explicitly for being trans, that's actually dodging a bullet; after all, you don't want a partner who isn't okay with a part of who you are, you know?

In terms of relationships and dysphoria, does that dysphoria only seem to be attached to sex? Or do you worry that it might crop up in other parts of relationships for you?

Hello There Sam,
To answer your question I would say quite a bit of the dysphoria is tied to sex. My goal is to get SRS/Vaginoplasty as an adult and while certainly not the driving factor one of the pros of surgery (since I’m bisexual) would be being able to have PIV sex with cis boys/men. Though for right now as I previously said I am 15 and not able to get any surgeries yet and I don’t feel comfortable using my natal genitals, so my options when it comes to getting it on are rimming/handjobs/giving head, I would appreciate advice on if I were to start dating this boy how to maximize the fun in these sexual acts that many consider to be forplay. The other thing about this potential relationship that gives me a bit of dysphoria is fear of not being treated like a girl. While I know my definition of being treated like a girl might be considered old fashioned I would like to experience things such as being asked to homecoming/prom, being treated on Valentine’s Day, and other similar things. I also hope that we are just seen as a heterosexual couple since I pass decently and try not to draw too much attention to me being trans. We started to talk at lunch during school today which went pretty well and I hope I don’t get rejected explicitly for being trans.


Thank You,
Nat
(She/Her/Hers)

Hi SparkleQueen26,

Hmmm, it's hard to provide universal advice on how to maximize pleasure with sex since everyone is different. The activities you mentioned are considered foreplay because of cisheteronormative ideas, not because they are inherently less pleasurable than genital intercourse. I think your best bet is to communicate with your partner about what you both enjoy, and to go from there.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be treated in a traditionally feminine way in a relationship. The best way to ensure that will happen is to let your partner know what you want. Sometimes people do pick up on outward cues - if someone dresses and acts femininely, people might guess that they would also enjoy receiving flowers or would expect to be asked out. But this system relies on a lot of assumptions, and provides few guarantees, if any. Here again, I would suggest talking to your partner, both about your dysphoria around not being treated as a girl, and about the specific wishes you have for how you want to be treated. That way, they will have a clear sense of how to respond to your needs.

I'm glad the conversation at lunch went well, and I hope all your interactions will be that way. Still, I want to talk about the last thing you said for a moment. Though I understand how hurtful it would be if you were rejected explicitly for being trans, I agree with Sam: if that happens, you would have dodged a bullet. Someone who would do that has shown you exactly what they are: an inconsiderate person who would not be a good partner for you. In life, you will have the opportunity to meet many people who will love you without such reservations, so you don't need to worry about this.