"Fighting" Fair

[Ashleah]

Even in healthy relationships, there are disagreements! How partners handle being upset and talking about difficult topics says a lot about the type of relationship that you have. Being able to communicate through tough times is one of the best skills you can have. But it is HARD!!!! Especially when you are hurt and angry. It takes practice to establish a pattern of healthy communication and sometimes we need a refresher.

So how do you "fight" fair?

• What is the best ways to communicate during conflict?
  What are the boundaries or limits?
  When do you end the discussion?
  HOW do you end the discussion?
  Think about past disagreements with friends. What worked well? What didn't?

I'll start! Here are a couple rules for Fighting Fair that have worked for me:

*Abandon the idea that there is a winner! This is not Monopoly. If your relationship is like a game, there is a problem. Everyone involved should feel satisfied or comfortable with the outcome. If one person "wins" then everyones needs are not being meet. Usually there is a pattern of who "wins" that indicates that the "power" in the relationship is not equally shared.

*Allow the option of walking away. I know I have the potential to say hurtful things and to be hurt by something that has been said. Sometimes I need a break! That might be a couple seconds or a couple of days. This doesn't mean just walking off. Before I get to a point of no return, I express to my partner that the conversation is too difficult at the moment and I need some time. At the same time, I have to give my partner that space as well! And that can be really hard if I haven't finished saying what is on my mind lol. I just try to remember how I feel in those times that I need a break.

*Compromise. Sometimes you and your partner(s) will not feel the same way! What is something that you can both agree on? It might be a situation where everyone has to give a little. Of course this only applies in relationships that are free from any type of abuse including emotional. Compromising should NEVER results in the violation of your rights.

[Sam W]

One of my biggest is allow for a reset button. There's a point where my partner and I are fighting where were both still upset, but the core of the fight is as resolved as it's going to be (or we're having one of those "I'm tired and your tired and we're both grumpy and now we're fighting" fights), one of us will say "can we start over?" This does one of two things. It lets us have a clean slate and kind of be gentle and rebuild the conversation OR it makes it clear to one of us that nope, there is actually still something I need to say (since it's essentially a way of asking "are we done?") about this issue. I think it helps us both acknowledge that the fight is something we're actively choosing to engage in, and that we can choose to end it.

Also we essentially stole the tactic from a David Sedaris story