Scarleteen

So I have a problem where my kink is getting in the way of my enjoyment of a hobby. I'm a furry, but I also have a general furry/fursuit/transformation kink that keeps getting in the way. I know that some people prefer to get sexual with the fandom, but I don't really want to be a part of that. I'd like to be able to draw furry art and take pictures with fursuiters but I tend to get erections when I see/experience those sorts of things (nobody's noticed, thankfully). In general, this makes me feel guilty somehow, like I'm 100% responsible for this. I know that one of the best ways to get rid of a kink is to avoid it for a while and come back later, but I'd still like to be a furry. I'm not entirely sure how to approach this and would appreciate any advice. Thank you!!

Hi there Catsandboots, and welcome to the boards

I think a good way to approach this is to start with the guilt you’re feeling. You know, getting an erection from experiencing things in the furry community doesn’t make you a bad person. Having a kink for furry stuff while also being in the community is also not a bad thing. I might add, too, that erections are a part of life that we aren’t “guilty” of, it’s more of a natural response to feeling good or relaxed. Too, it sounds to me like you’re taking the appropriate steps that folks who gets erections take (i.e. nobody has noticed it in public). So, I can understand the feeling of guilt from this being a bit taboo to some people, but you are not bad or guilty or anything for this. To be real with you, I think it’s okay to feel aroused by this, but also be able to partake in the community, just recognizing that those are separate things for *you*. Does that make sense, and how does that sound to you?

Hi! Thanks for responding!

I get what you mean. To be honest, I'm not 100% opposed to it; I just feel like I need to find a balance, but I'm not sure how to go about it. I tend to get aroused from it whether it's a good time or not. I'd like to be able to go to conventions or meet up with other furries without it happening, and I guess it's just something that I worry about often. Do you have any advice on separating hobby and sexual parts of it? Thanks!

Hi Catsandboots,

We can certainly talk about finding a balance. Are you feeling like the sexual thoughts are overwhelming the non-sexual side, or is there a reason you’re worried about this particularly now?

One immediate thought I have is if you can think of any “triggers” (not in the negative context, I just mean something that makes you more aroused). Thinking back on the times this has happened, was there something specific that happened right before you became aroused, something specific you were looking at, touching, hearing, etc.? If you can identify what it is about the furry events or conventions that makes you aroused, you may be able to see if there’s a way for you to attend these events while avoiding the aspects that make you more aroused.

I do think there’s also something to be said for the ritual of it all, too, where you might find that doing some sort of ritual or some phrase when you engage in this sexually vs. not, can get your brain into the mindset of “these are different activities for me.” Does that sound like something you’d want to do?

Hello,

I think I'm worried about this in particular because of the potential judgment others might feel towards me. I worry that if anybody found out, furry or otherwise, I'll be seen in a worse light and damage/lose some relationships. Like other people will think I'm weird or gross if they find out and think that I'm only a furry for the sexual stuff.

As for the triggers, I can't think of any that come to mind right now. I think it just kind of happens whenever there's any physical furry thing in my general area.

I like the idea of rituals! Do you think you can tell me more about that? I'd be interested in learning about those.

Thank you!!

Hi Catsandboots,

I hear you about not wanting to lose relationships if people found out. You know, I do think there’s a difference between experiencing arousal with furry things, and being “gross” or a problem in the community, and it has to do with boundaries. It sounds to me like, while you experience arousal at events sometimes, you don’t *act* on that arousal, and it sounds like you have a respect for the boundaries of others in the community. You can’t ask much else from someone, you know? I’ll say, too, if folks were viewed as gross or bad for being aroused by things they engage with in everyday life, a LOT of us would be in trouble. It’s just a matter of what you do with the arousal given the context you’re in.

I’m so glad you like the idea of rituals, and we can certainly talk about them! A ritual is a symbolic act you do before, during, and after an event. It’s a quick trick to getting your mind in a different space, and helping yourself recognize, “Yes, I am in this different space now, *and* I am safe.” The cool thing about it is it’s kind of whatever you want it to be, as long as it’s consistent and it works for you. To give you an example, some folks do rituals to get themselves into a more sexual space by lighting a candle, moving their body in a specific way (a specific dance), using a specific word/phrase/mantra, practicing breathwork, really any symbolic act that you think would help your mind see that, yes, you’re in a separate space right now and it’s okay to feel how you feel. In terms of what words or phrases to say, a good candidate for a mantra is something that you want to remind yourself of as you go into an event. Something quick, repeatable, and comforting to you. Does anything come to mind for you that you’d like to try?

Hello!

Thanks for the kind words regarding what I do when I get aroused in public situations. It's very reassuring

As for the rituals, I think I can think of a couple things, like changing the lighting in my room or putting some essential oils in my diffuser. And for the mantra, I've come up with a few - "It's safe to do this now" entering the sexual space and "You can save this for later" for when it's not the time for it (though that second one does sound a little harsh). I know there's nothing particularly *wrong* with the mantras, but do you think there might be a better way to phrase them to sound slightly kinder to myself?

Thank you so much for the suggestions and advice so far!! You've been very kind.

Thanks!

Hey catsandboots,

I like the rituals you've come up with! As for the mantras, you could try rephrasing them to center yourself. For example, 'it's okay for me to do this now' both centers you and reassures you that it's okay.

Hello!

I'll definitely try that as a mantra. Thank you so much for the suggestion!