Scarleteen

Hi, I really need help.
I suffered from OCD basically all my life(since 15-16 and now I'm 33). Harm OCD, fake memories, OCD about mortal illnesses: I had them all, and I've been under therapy for that and also depression with a psychiatrist who prescribed me medications(this was around 17-18) for a couple of years. Since then I thought I pretty much managed to control my OCD and live with it, but unfortunately lately I came across real event OCD who i think was triggered reading something online. An old memory of mine which occasionally used to resurface in the past and that I used to brush off like a teenager joke, has now resurfaced with much more severity to the point I'm not functioning like a human being, unable to live my daily life and sobbing uncontrollably. The point is that I thought I pretty much accepted the nature of the event because it was in my teenage years, but now my mind wants to convince me it happened when i was older. I don't understand and I'm panicking. I tried to pinpoint some moments from years ago to make sure the time frame was that one , but it almost sounds ridiculous at this point, my mind is in shambles. I read that when it comes to real event OCD the secret it's to accept uncertainty, but I just can't and I'm trying to find any possible way to recover that memory. I miss the boring life I used to have two weeks ago. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I also thought about asking the other persons involved in the memory but chances are she won't even remember what I'm talking about since we are talking something that happened ages and ages ago. My old psychiatrist retired years ago and I only have the support of my parents. I seriously need help. What's the more reliable memory I have? Should I resign myself and accept the uncertainty? I'm lost.

Hi Boh! I'm so sorry you're going through this. Losing faith in your own memories can be such a difficult spiral to get out of because it also affects your ability to trust your decisions. I have been through different but similar feelings. What I can say is that external validation as with all things OCD, can only go so far, eventually your decision to trust yourself has to be made, you might just need to find your own path to get there.

I want to remind you that it's ok to reassure yourself, to be kind to yourself. You need to find your own path but that doesn't mean you need to do that without help.

If you've had a therapist in the past, maybe this is the time to try and find a new therapist? I would reach out to mental health services and see who you can get. Is that something you can do? Will you need any help with finding the right person?

I've an appointment with a therapist in a public structure, but I read that generic therapists are not good for OCD. I read that usually the memory you have before OCD flare up is the most reliable, but how do I know if OCD wasn't already messing with me since the beginning? Should I trust my instinct?

I think it depends on the therapist, but I would fully explain the situation... You never know, they might be great, or might be able to refer you to someone else if it doesn't work with them.

Regarding trusting your memories or your instincts, that is a choice, but it is a choice you make. Not me or us.

If you feel conflicted or confused, you can also conclude that "I don't know" and that's OK too.