dating apps

[wannabevamp]

I've been really wanting to explore more the sexual/romantic side of myself for the past year or so, but I've had really just no luck finding partners. I go to a small high school so the gay dating pool is pretty small, let alone guys who I'm interested in and who are interested in me as a trans guy. I just turned 18 and I know it might be kind of a stupid idea but I've been thinking of trying dating apps. I know my personal boundaries and I'm not really looking for a serious relationship because I kind of just want to experiment a bit and I'll be leaving for college soon anyways. I live near a big university so there are definitely guys my age, I just don't really know if this seems like a good idea. Also if I do, do you have any advice on creating a profile/different apps, etc. TLDR I've tried a lot to meet people irl but it's just really not worked at all and I'm feeling kind of unsatisfied.

[Ellie]

Hi Wannabevamp,

I don't think that joining a dating app would be a bad idea at all, since it sounds like you have a handle on what your boundaries mean to you and are looking for people around your age. Dating apps are a new area to explore, you can find what you like and dislike about them. My only advice is to be up front with your intentions for using the app (what you're looking for, your preferences, dealbreakers, etc - but most apps have areas to fill those out) because unlike organic dating, there is a huuuuge stack of information to sort through, and being specific can narrow it down better (if that's what you want). It's okay to play around with it and just see how it goes. Good luck!

[wannabevamp]

Thanks for the advice! I do have a few concerns, namely I am still in HS so I'm worried people will be weirded out or think that I'm actually still a minor so if you have any advice on dealing with that aspect it would be appreciated. Also just in general what kind of apps are good for different situations? And any safety tips, especially regarding name/photo in my profile given my age and trans status?

[KierC]

Hi Wannabevamp!

I’m glad that Ellie’s advice was helpful! To address your concern about being in HS still and people maybe being worried about you actually being a minor, I do think if you search for people relatively close to your age, they’ll likely be more understanding of your exploring sex and dating as a young but legal adult. Too, and this is just my opinion, but I tend to feel that if someone you’re talking to is hyper-concerned about whether or not you’re telling the truth, may not be the best person to be talking with anyway. Know what I mean?

I do have more safety tips, though! First, I want to share this article with you, it’s part of our Trans Summer School series and it provides a lot of information on safety while dating as a trans person: Dating While Trans, Yes You Can! There’s some wonderful tips in there for safety that are applicable to you. For example, I think it would be wise not to tell folks online things like where you live, your phone number, your work, and *especially* where you go to school. I would also read the section of the article on how to look out for chasers (people who fetishize trans folks). It’s up to you how much you tell folks about your specific age and how you want to present your photos online, so I’ll ask you: How are you thinking about presenting your photos online, and do you have concerns or questions about it?

It’s ultimately up to you how and when you disclose to someone you’re getting to know, and it depends on a few different factors, including how long you’ve known them, and how comfortable or safe you feel being out in your life. If and when you do disclose, I would make sure it’s either in a public place, or online before you meet to give you physical distance if they react aggressively.

How does that all sound to you?

[wannabevamp]

Yes I'm definitely not planning to share any private information and to meet people in public places. As for photos, I don't know how safe it would be to show photos of my face on the public profile but I also don't know if that's just irrational anxiety because I would share them if I was talking to someone, I just wouldn't want some random person (or someone I know ) to recognize me irl from that.

[Heather]

So, for sure, in order for people to respond to us in apps, we generally will need to show our faces (most people just don't tend to swipe on faceless photos for all the obvious reasons(. Now, there isn't anything shameful about using an app, nor about dating, but by all means, whatever we put in apps -- pictures and text alike -- will potentially be seen by anyone else using the app, and we have to be okay with that.

Sounds like that isn't something you feel okay about?

[wannabevamp]

Yeah I think I’m ok with it, it’s just something I’m aware of. I also still live with my parents too so I don’t know how I feel about them knowing but I know I need to set some more boundaries and kinda go off on my own a bit from them as I’m getting older anyways so I don’t think I’ll tell them anyways

[CaitlinEve]

Hi wannabevamp,

It definitely seems like this is a good opportunity to try setting some boundaries with your parents, and exploring your options (such as apps). There's also nothing that says that if you don't like the app that you can't discontinue use.