Scarleteen

Hello. I was wondering if I could, ask a question in regards to my relationship. My partner and I have been together for a while now and are doing well. I’m blessed for that. Ever since we started we’ve always had a, large difference in how we express and engage in physical attraction. And I’m wondering how to, navigate that.

Hi BlueRed, welcome to the boards!

Yes, you can ask questions about relationships here. Would you tell us a little more about the differences that you've noticed?

I'm, trying to find the right way to describe it because it's not something I've ever felt super comfortable talking about. A lot of the time it seems to me like I'm a lot more interested in, certain things then they are. I do my very best to, ask questions and respect their boundaries. I usually initiate things, but a lot of the time it goes nowhere. I'm not upset with my partner for ever saying no of course but, I get upset at myself whenever I care too much about it.

Hi BlueRed,

So, you have a good relationship with your partner and you respect their boundaries, but you are uncomfortable with your own feelings, and the fact that you seem more interested in certain activities than they are. Is that right?

I'm curious about what makes you think you care too much about this. There is nothing inherently wrong with being more interested in certain activities than your partner, or with initiating more often. As you already know, it is just important to respect your partner's boundaries.

To address your question on how to navigate this, it might help to have a conversation about both of your needs/expectations/interest in regard to sex, just to make sure you're on the same page. We have a tool that can help with this: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

Yes. That, does seem to be the case. I’m not quite sure why I to be honest. I guess I wished that I just didn’t care because, then I’d never have to bother them. I, feel guilty around anything regarding the topic so that is probably a part of it too. We’ve had conversations about it and it’s, helped me understand things more. But I struggle with my side of the manner.

Hi BlueRed!

I'm sorry that you're struggling with this. It sounds to me like you are so focused on respecting your partner's boundaries and emotions (which is great!) that you aren't really acknowledging all of your own feelings? Sometimes we can feel like in order to respect other's boundaries, that means that we're not allowed to have our own feelings, too. Other times we might not want to acknowledge the feelings we're having because they feel uncomfortable or lead to thoughts that make us feel more unhappy.

So I understand the desire to just not have the feelings or desires that are not in line with your partner's. Having different feelings and desires can lead to conflict or disappointment or sometimes even the realization that we're not compatible. That can be very painful, even just to think about! But part of being our own, unique person is about getting comfortable with the fact that we will always have desires and feelings and preferences and needs and wants and interests that are different from those we love. Sometimes that will cause conflict and disappointment, but ignoring our differences from other people can be more harmful in the long run.

Can we talk a little more about what you want your relationship to look like? It's okay if you don't want to share details. Getting a clearer sense of what you want and how it's different than what you have could help us come up with ways for you to navigate these feelings more easily.