Two things about a friend’s behavior that I’m unsure how to bring up

[Asking Queries]

Content warning: (my) anxiety and depression (not in detail), friendship issues, romantic crush (not in detail), unwanted touching but with objection immediately respected




Hi everyone,

I’ve relatively recently been trying (and somewhat succeeding) to connect with one of my friends, who I will call here H. There are two things about their behavior that I want to bring up to them, but I’m not sure how. Also, I have a crush on this friend (my typical state lol), which is relevant to thing 1.

Thing 1.
Yesterday, we were hanging out at a restaurant, and they said that my hair looked messy. Without asking, they began to try to fix it. I didn’t feel comfortable with this, both because they didn’t ask and don’t know about my crush on me, so after a few seconds I asked them to stop, which they immediately did. I want to bring this up so they understand what happened for me and so I can clarify my boundaries, but we’re both really sensitive around consent and I’m worried about upsetting them. Honestly I was/am surprised they didn’t ask given what they’ve said about caring deeply about consent (and as far as I know/remember nothing like this has happened before in our friendship).

Thing 2.
Sometimes I feel like they say things in a mean way to me or their friends. It isn’t malicious mean, more… harsh. I don’t think they mean to do this, and want to tell them about it, but I feel really anxious, because like, how do you tell someone they seem mean to you sometimes without it being an insult?

Applying to both of these things, I feel like this friendship could be really good and fun, but these two things keep bugging me and making harder to just enjoy what’s going on. I am currently very anxious and depressed, and am autistic (as are they), so it’s really hard for me to judge whether what I want to say would be hurtful, the best way to say something, etc.
I’d love advice on ideas on how to bring these things up, and I’m happy to answer questions if people have them.

Thanks!
- AQ

[Jacob]

Hey AQ,

I think with Thing 1 it sounds like you already did half the work by telling them you didn't like it and they may already have some partial knowledge that they should have asked. So I'd approach it as a clarification, starting with something like "You know when you touched my hair the other day and I asked you not to? I just want to check, did you understand that you should have asked, as I'm not sure I got that across that the time?"

Then with Thing 2 when you say "harsh but not malicious", that could mean a lot of things! Is it that they have an overly critical way of telling people things that might be helpful if said differently, or is it that they are saying things that don't need to be said at all, or is it that they're exaggerating or fabricating things, they do not actually believe, for comic effect and the joke isn't landing or something else?

[Asking Queries]

Hi Jacob,

Thing 1
Approaching it as a clarification makes sense to me, although my instinct is to phrase it more like, (saying it gently) “When you touched my hair without asking a few days ago, I felt uncomfortable. Do you think we could discuss that more so I can clarify my boundaries?”
And then the discussion would be about what we both were thinking and boundaries going forward. If they say no to further discussion then at least the basic message got through.

Thing 2

Ooh, that’s a good question. I don’t remember it particularly well, but I think it was more like a joking harshness that had too much “spice” on it — probably not intended to hurt, but that still made me uncomfortable. To put it another way, it didn’t feel fully psychologically safe for me; I have a really low threshold to feel threatened/uncomfortable or upset, so it’s hard to tell whether other people felt the same way or just me. I guess it feels like it could be awkward to bring up something that (potentially) only makes me uncomfortable, although I know that’s a valid reason to bring something up.

- AQ

[Jacob]

I think the way you said you'd phrase the first thing sounds completely fine!

With the harshness thing, maybe you could ask them more about what they intend? That can tell you more about what you want to do next, but it can also in itself take some of the sting out of the things they say if they slip-up in future.

I actually think making it about yourself is almost always a much better approach. Sometimes the whole "people might feel uncomfortable" thing can dissipate the responsibility for what is being communicated in a way that makes it harder to prevent suspicion and second guessing and defensiveness to creeping in, whereas "I know you might not have intended it, but I do get mixed signals and feel upset and when you say things that particular way to me. Could you try leaving out the quips because they just land badly for me and it takes time and energy to untangle, which could be avoided."

Again that probably wouldn't be a particularly conversational way to put it and maybe you can say some version of that in your own words if you feel like it gets across what you're saying?