Scared and Anxious

[Jimfeli]

Hi all,

I hope every is well! Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

I'd like to start out by saying, any opinions, guidance or advice is greatly appreciated! My girlfriend and I were fooling around, as a semi-young couple does -- We were both in our undergarments at the time. I was doing our usual thing (fingering her) before actually getting into intercourse, and around a couple minutes passed before be heading into the bathroom (still having my underwear on) and putting on a condom. I put the condom on with my underwear still on, walked out of the bathroom and took the underwear off before getting into bed to proceed with intercourse.

Where my anxiousness/paranoia (and maybe irrational) stems from is, I am afraid that once I put the condom on with my underwear still on, maybe there was some precum that was on the inside of my underwear and the condom may have touched it, even if just a little, before taking my underwear off and proceeding with having sex -- Granted there may have been no precum that have have been there but is this something to be worried about and would need my girlfriend to take the morning after pill? This statement may seem wild and irrational, and if it is, I apologize but I wanted to seek the advice of this lovely inclusive and open community. I've read up on some articles/pieces here that have been helpful, however I would appreciate any opinions or advice on this scare.

Thank you!

[Anya]

Hi Jimfeli,

Welcome to the boards! I'm glad you've already looked into some of our articles so my apologies if I suggest any that you've already read through.

First of all, I want to hopefully put your anxiety to rest by saying I do not believe there is any real risk in the experience as you described it. Ejaculate on clothing has very little risk of posing any real threat to impregnating anyone else if you aren't rubbing it directly on someone else's exposed genitals. I will say that in the future I would practice just taking your underwear off before putting the condom on to make sure you minimize risk as best you can, but that being said I wouldn't necessarily worry about the transfer of semen from penis to clothing to condom to someone else's genitals That is simply too much for sperm to go through and remain viable during. Sperm doesn't have a long shelf life and will die pretty much immediately if not kept in a body or a place with adequate conditions for its health. Here's an article of ours that gives some useful tips as to what poses a low-high risk, but pertaining to your situation, again, I wouldn't be concerned. Hope this helps!

[Jimfeli]

Hi Anya,

I appreciate the response! Good to know and it kind of helps my anxiety here. I was just worried about the potential possibility of there being any precum on my boxers and maybe the condom somehow touching that precum (if any) while taking the boxers off and then putting my condom inside of her. In your opinion, do you feel there is a need for Plan B or other morning after pills, given this circumstance or possibility -- Or do you feel as though the risk is not high enough for such measures?

Thank you again

[Jacob]

Just to follow up with this Jimfeli!

Really it's for your partner to decide if she wants to take emergency contraception, not us.

But, I also want to remind you, you're asking us if a thing could have happened, meaning you did not witness or notice it happening at the time.

That's important because if any amount of actual semen was going to cause pregnancy it could not be trace invisible amounts, it would need to be a noticeable amount which you would have 100% felt or seen, meaning a couple of sperm cells, transfered by mere touch, aren't going to do it. So if you're asking the question, it's already not enough sperm.

Pregnancy anxiety is a pretty common place for general anxiety to play out, simply because so much stigma around sex and pregnancy, if we have a shameful feeling that something bad is happening, and will be our fault, it is very common to project that feeling onto something material like sex, pregnancy, and physics/chemistry/biology defying sperm.

So if you find yourself asking this question I'd say it's best to pivot from "What factual reassurance do I need to feel better?" to "What emotional need is coming out this way?"

Is there anything you can think of?

[Jimfeli]

Hi Jacob,

Thank you your reply — definitely helps my current anxiety. It’s a great point you brought up of my question basically being a “what if” as I have zero clue if there was anything even there (it was pretty early on in our fooling around, like 2 minutes in). I spoke to my partner and they ended up taking the morning after pill, just in case - regardless if it might have seemed silly. I had a semi long conversation with them to see what they thought. They mentioned I might be overthinking but they decided to take just in case. So, super thankful for my partner understanding where my anxiousness stems from and appreciate their kindness.

Again, I appreciate all your opinions and advice as not only was I trying to see what everyone thought but also maybe a hidden message here of mine is maybe I need to take a step back and re-evaluate what is importantly for my mental health because this whole scenario could or could not be a problem and that’s where my brain goes it seems everytime I have a sexual encounter — I try to back track everything that happened in my head and look for something they may have gone wrong and lock in on one thing that may or may not have happened (like this situation) and I start freaking out and thinking I made a mistake and did not practice safe sex. Even though I will not entertain the idea of sex without a condom.

Appreciate the kindness and advice.

[KierC]

Hey there Jimfeli,

I’m so glad that what Anya and Jacob said was helpful for you in thinking about what you need for your mental health. So true that the pregnancy scare is a common place for anxiety to pop up, so you’re absolutely not alone here either. I know how tempting it can be, too, to retrace your steps to reassure yourself that there was no pregnancy risk, but then sometimes that process itself can reproduce some of the anxieties you had in the first place. Rather, when you feel tempted to retrace your steps and delve into the whole “was there a risk I didn’t see?”, take a moment to notice if there’s any emotional needs coming up that are related to this pregnancy anxiety. I should mention, too, if you’re ever feeling overwhelmed by sexual activity and if the pregnancy anxiety continues, it is perfectly okay to take a break from sexual activity while you learn more tools to help when anxiety comes up. On that note, as well, do you want to talk a bit more about anxiety-management for these moments?

[Jimfeli]

Yes, that would be extremely helpful! In all honesty, I am one that thinks alone and acts alone, however, in cases like these it has been great to express my thoughts and worries to whomever will listen, regardless of if they are irrational or crazy. One question I have, an apologies if its a dumb question here, but being new to all these, what would "emotional needs" entail? I completely agree that backtracking to see if there was a risk I did not see and reproducing anxieties as you mentioned has been very detrimental to myself and my partner, if I am honest. I hate to push some anxiety on them, especially if there may not be a worry in the first place. Hope that makes sense!

Thank you again, you are all amazing.

[KierC]

Absolutely, we can definitely talk about tools for anxiety and also what we mean by emotional needs.

I want to say as well, I hear you that you’re more used to dealing with things alone. But, just as you’re seeing now, while it’s important to be independent so you’re not completely relying on other people for reassurance, it can actually be extremely helpful to balance that independence with a healthy amount of sharing-when-you-need-to. And there can be different types of sharing, too! There’s a big difference, for example, in simply stating an anxiety you have vs. asking for reassurance from someone. It can be really helpful to name anxieties aloud to someone in the room, without asking for them to reassure you. So, I know you’re being careful about not putting your anxiety onto your partner; but I think there’s a balance to be struck, where you can certainly reach out to people like your partner, or even here, for support, while also having your own tools for anxiety.

By “emotional needs,” I mean the things that hurt deeply, that can sometimes manifest as material concerns. For example, ongoing pregnancy anxiety is more of a concrete or material concern, and it could be an *externalized* expression of an *inner* fear, such as feeling like you’re going to do something wrong, or feeling like you don’t have as much control as you need. So, if you look at those anxieties, some emotional needs related to them could be the need to feel safe, the need to feel in control of your body, the need to be a good person, etc. etc. Does that make sense?

If you pinpoint the moments when you’re feeling more anxious or out of control, it can be helpful to think about self-care strategies as tools in a toolbox — each tool can work in different circumstances, and you can use any of them at any time you want. Here are some articles to look at first, they can give you a better idea of what some anxiety management tools are, and you can see if any seem helpful for you. Too, if the anxiety persists, it may also be helpful to consider some form of counseling, so you can have more space to talk about this. How does that sound to start?

For pregnancy anxiety specifically: Pregnancy Scared?

Pregnancy scare resources: Pregnancy Scare Resources

Anxiety resources: Anxiety and Other Mental Health Resources

[Jimfeli]

Ah okay -- that makes sense.

Yes, definitely, the primary feelings I experience are feeling like I am out of control of what just happened (and how can I instantly fix), feeling like I did something wrong and possibly hurt my partner's future/plans, and the feeling of disappointment from both of the other reasons listed before.

In these moments of sexual activity, rational or irrational, I feel like I fully convince myself that something went wrong and she totally screwed up. Going back on my first post and my story for a bit here, I have zero clue whether or not there was any precum to begin with (I never saw it, like Jacob said, and my penis was dry when I went to put on a condom in the bathroom) so taking this as an example, maybe there was some there but if there wasn't -- I have already convinced myself there was and I need to be worried. Hopefully that makes sense.

[KierC]

Ah, yes! That does make sense. It sounds like you’re having anxiety about things going wrong and needing to fix it immediately, possibly stemming from a need for more feeling of agency, and that anxiety got transferred into worrying about the presence of pre-ejaculate. So, while you’re doing what you can to prevent pregnancy by wearing a condom properly, and learning more about how pregnancy can and cannot occur, that unsettled feeling of “what if something is going wrong and it’s my fault” is still lingering because of the underlying anxiety.

How would it look for you to take a break from sexual activity that makes you anxious about pregnancy risk while you learn more about what’s causing some of this anxiety and possibly learn some anxiety management strategies?

[Jimfeli]

I definitely think that that is the correct route to go while I try to get in a good headspace, not only for me but for my partner as well. If this is another case of my psyching myself out when it is not needed (which is my hope), which has happened many times before as I feel like I think any amount of precum can make my partner pregnant (like my story here as maybe there was precum, maybe there wasn't - if there was, it might've been very little, like smaller than my pinky nail, and my condom may or may not have touched it before having sex and I'm not even sure what happens as a result of that). So, maybe I just need to take a step back to take a break and learn first and foremost. Let me know what you think.

Thank you very much for your help and advice!!

[KierC]

I think this all sounds very on point! I agree that it’d be helpful for you to take a step back and learn more about what pre-ejaculate can and cannot do, and also how to identify and manage anxiety. I know I sent some anxiety resources, but if there’s any sexual health/human reproduction information you’d like as well, I can certainly send those along too. And, if in your exploration of anxiety you find that you need some more professional counseling support, we can help you find that.

[Jimfeli]

Yes, please share what you can -- that would be SUPER helpful as now I feel somewhat "scared" to even have sex again, should everything turn out okay.

Thank you so much, KierC, for your help and support in this matter. I have really benefitted from being able to talk about my worries and my anxiousness "out-loud" here, even if it might seem silly or a dumb question to some people, or even if its somewhat theoretical as I am not as experienced in this kind of stuff.

[KierC]

You are so welcome! You know, we don’t think these questions are silly or dumb. They’re really important questions, and good on you for asking them! Here’s some resources to start:

A primer on what sperm cells can and cannot survive in, may be helpful for some of the pre-ejaculate specific concerns: Who’s Afraid of Sperm Cells?

General human reproduction stuff, how pregnancy can and cannot occur: Human Reproduction: A Seafarer’s Guide

The best cheat-sheet on “what activity can and cannot cause pregnancy”: Can I Get Pregnant, or Get or Pass On An STI From That?

Some intro to sexual communication stuff, for talking with your partner about sex and pregnancy fears: Be A Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats, and Hows of Talking About Sex With A Parnter

[Jimfeli]

Thank you, will give these a read later today! Again, appreciate all your insights, advice, and reassurance throughout these last couple of days. Even though I am still a bit anxious constantly about all that happened with my situation (regardless if anything did or did not happen like Jacob mentioned earlier), I appreciate the time and responses you all provided here.

One thing I wanted to add, another feeling I tend to experience is when I tell myself things are fine and I’m overthinking/reacting — I find my brain telling myself like “no, you should be worried”. Wanted to see if anyone had any experience with this or advice as well.

[Jacob]

I totally understand that "I should be worried" thought! I also want to highlight that uncertainty can be a very difficult feeling to accept, but learning to be o.k with some degree of uncertainty can be really powerful, moreso than trying eradicate uncertainty altogether which we can never quite succeed at.

It's mighty easy to reinforce that"I should be worried" thought every time something bad happens... If we're generally anxious it's hard to remind ourselves of the good things that happened because we trusted ourselves, or took care of ourselves. Like many things it comes with practice.

I think a good metaphor which helps me is to think of this is to imagine these thoughts, whether helpful or unhelpful, as plants in a garden which you water by practicing those thoughts, where attention = water. Practicing can mean exploring those new thoughts and how they might connect to your experiences through art, meditation, therapy, journalling or all of the above. And maybe just not watering the less helpful plant too much is a good call, until maybe you find a new plant-pot to put that thought in or context for that thought. Maybe "I should worry more about pregnancy" after sex can bloom into something more helpful like "I look after my health and my partner's health when communicating with my partner making safer sex decisions" before sex.