i can’t touch myself and nothing feels good

[florence23]

i am 13 and whenever i try and like touch my clit it just doesn’t feel good no matter what. i can masturbate by like humping a pillow but whenever it gets to the highest pleasure it just suddenly goes away and i can’t orgasm. i also have never been able to like put my finger inside of my vagina either, just nothing feels good. i have tried looking at so many different articles and nothing works and i kind of just get scared. i just want to know how to make it feel good and orgasm

[Sam W]

Hi florence23,

So, there are a few different things that could be going on here. One is that you may actually be orgasming when you use the pillow, but it doesn't feel how you expect it to. When you notice that sudden drop off of pleasure, what happens right before and right after it?

Too, when you say you get scared, is that something that happens before you try masturbating? And where would you say that fear is coming from?

[florence23]

thanks for responding Sam W

you asked how it felt before and after the drop of pleasure, and what happens is that it starts to feel really good, but then right after the peak of it, i don’t feel any pleasure anymore. you could be right that i may actually be orgasming and just not know it, it is kind of hard to tell, i know that sounds stupid.

and also, i guess the fear is usually just that i’m scared i’m going to do it wrong or it will hurt or something, i’m not quite sure.

[Nicole]

Hi florence23,

That doesn't sound stupid at all! When you stop feeling pleasure at the peak, does it feel like a "release"? Like a release of tension or pressure? I do want to mention that the feeling of an orgasm can differ from person to person.

I can understand why you're afraid, it can be scary to try new things with your body. I always tell users to go into masturbation with the intent to explore, go with the flow, and see what feels good. Masturbation doesn't need to be done a certain way for it to be "correct." If it hurts, it would be best to just stop. I'm not sure if you got a chance to look at our resources on masturbation. If you want the links to those, just let us know, or take a chance to explore our website and articles!

[florence23]

hi again! i guess it does kind of feel like a release of pleasure in a way, but only sort of. but i’ve tried a lot of times to put a finger inside of myself and i just can’t put it in. i also can’t get a tampon in for some reason.

[Sam W]

From what you're describing, it sounds like you may actually be orgasming some of the time: that build up, release, and then not feeling much, if any, arousal anymore matches one of the ways we think about the sexual response cycle. You can read more about it here, including some more detailed description of what orgasm can feel like to see if it might be what you're experiencing: Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide

You know, inserting things into the vaginal canal can be a bit tricky, especially if you're still pretty new to interacting with your body in that way. Lube is something that can help, but it's also important to be aware of how tense you are when you're trying to do it; being tense can often make it harder to insert things. This can sometimes create an annoying feedback loop where you're nervous, so you tense, and then it's uncomfortable or painful to insert the thing because you're tense, which means the next time you try you tense up AGAIN because last time it hurt.

With masturbation, the more you make it so you're not only aroused, but also in a space where you feel comfortable, the easier it can be to relax. With the tampons, finding a position to insert them that lets you be on your back or another position where you're not contorting yourself can help too. And, in both cases, if inserting things just isn't working, there's no reason that you have to.

[florence23]

hi! i read most of the article you sent me, and i found a lot of it helpful. however, i still tense up when i try to insert something into me. i have tried to relax, but for some reason i can’t. also, the biggest reason i really want to is because in the future when i get a boyfriend, i’m scared they would think that it’s weird that they wouldn’t be able to like finger me i guess. but yeah i try not to get nervous when doing it, but somehow i still am and it ends up hurting a bit.

[Heather]

Hey there, florence.

So, the first thing I'd say is that ideally, anyone we pick as a partner to be sexual with in any way should be someone we have built trust and comfort with, and who we know we can count on to be cool even when they might think something is weird. We can't ever really do (or not do) anything to prevent a sexual partner maybe thinking something is weird, because a) bodies *are* really weird and will often do weird things, and b) people's expectations of bodies and sex are often so unrealistic, that it's really common for people to experience things that are totally common, but that they think are weird because they just don't know a lot about bodies or sex.

In other words, the way to "correct" for someone maybe thinking something about us, our bodies, or sex with us is weird isn't to try not to have physical responses we just do, but to choose partners where it's no big deal if one or both of us thinks anything is weird. Get what I'm saying?

There are so many differences between you and your fingers and this situation right now and sexual activity with a partner. For one, that sex with a partner is probably a ways off for you, and you have as much time between now and then as you like to get comfortable with your own body and sexuality, to learn more about it and yourself, and to find out what feels good for you and doesn't on your own. Your body also still has a lot of changing to do: at 13, your sexual anatomy isn't even fully developed yet, and is still going to do a lot of changing over the next handful of years. How things feel now won't be how they always do.

As well, how we feel with a partner isn't always how we feel on our own: if and when you want to try sex with someone's fingers inside your vagina, the situation will probably be pretty different. You'll probably be sexually excited in a different way or more than you are alone now (especially since it sounds like inserting fingers has been less about that feelings good and exciting and more about you feeling like you have to do that to prepare for a partner later in life), you'll ideally have been spending time doing other things with your bodies before that activity to relax your muscles, the leverage someone else has is different, and hopefully, you also will only be doing that if you really want to because it feels good to you, not because you think you have to, or so someone else doesn't think you're weird.

How does all of that sound to you?

[florence23]

that makes a lot of sense. but i also want to be able to put in a tampon, (which really hurts when i try) because i’ve heard it’s easier to use once you get the hang of it. i’ve been able to put half of my pinky finger inside, but then i’m not able to put it in anymore. i can’t even tell if i’m putting it in or not. it doesn’t necessarily hurt, but it’s kind of uncomfortable and doesn’t feel very nice.

[Sam W]

Hi florence23,

You know, one period product isn't necessarily easier to use than another; that's one of those things where the ease of using it depends entirely on the individual person and their body. So, in your case, if nothing you're doing --not lube or position or tampon size--is making the process of inserting a tampon stop hurting, then what's easiest for your body, at least at this point in your life, is probably going to be pads. And at a certain point, it isn't super helpful to keep trying to force the tampon situation just because other people find it to be easier to use overall. Does that make sense?

[florence23]

hi, i understand what you mean, but my main problem is that i don’t even know where my actual hole is. like i’ve looked at it with a mirror a lot of times but i can’t find the actual hole. i don’t know if it’s higher up or lower down or in the middle, etc. whenever i try to put a finger in, i can only get half of my pinky finger in and then i just can’t push it in any further, so i’m not even sure if i’m getting anything in at all. i’ve looked at diagrams where it clearly shows the vagina hole, but on me i can’t see it. do you know any other ways i’ll be able to put a finger in or anything?

[Latha]

Hi there Florence23

Ahhh, that seems pretty frustrating! First, may I offer you this article of ours? Innies & Outies: The Vagina, Clitoris, Uterus and More

I don't mean to brush you off by giving you something to read- the article is something of a detailed guided tour, naming each part step by step. If you could look into it and tell us which descriptions make sense or confuse you, that might give us some more information to help you find where your vagina is. Too, you could also visit a gynecologist- they will be able to point it out in person.

[florence23]

i read the article, and it kind of made more sense. but when i look at it in a mirror, i see a slit, but then there’s like this pale thing where it looks like the hole is deeper inside. i think it’s my hymen, i’m not sure though, but i can’t put a finger in because of it. is there any way to change that? also, i don’t think i can go to the gynecologist because i’m only 13, and i’m way too scared to ask my mom.

[Sam W]

Hi florence23,

When you've looked at your genitals in the past, have you been comfortable doing things like moving or parting your labia so you can have a clearer view of what's going on? Or are you going straight to inserting a finger without really being able to tell where it's going?

[florence23]

hi again, i tried what you said and used a mirror to look while trying to put a finger in, but i just can’t see a hole. when i try to put a finger there, i can’t put it in anywhere. i don’t know if that makes sense but yeah. it’s feels like i don’t even have one, but obviously i know i do because i’ve gotten my period.

[Latha]

Hi Florence23,

Of course, you're right- you do have a vagina, it is just a little difficult for you to find it right now. Let's step back a bit. Going back to that article, were you able to find your clitoris?

P.S. It isn't strange at all for you to visit a gynecologist at your age if that is a concern, and a doctor could make this a lot clearer.

[florence23]

hi, sorry it took me so long to respond. so i still haven’t been able to get anything inside of me at all. i did in fact get my mom to try to help me out a tampon in about a month ago, and she said she got it in me a little, but it hurt SO bad. she tried a second time, but before she even got it in it started hurting. since then, i’ve tried to put a finger in, but before i even try to put it in i get this overwhelming feeling and i just know how bad it’s going to hurt and it does and i can’t do it. i don’t know what’s wrong with me, and the reason i haven’t responded in so long is because i kinda gave up for a while, like i just feel like i never even want to try again, but i know i need to because i can’t be like this forever

[Latha]

Hi Florence23! Don't worry about responding late, we're always here.

There isn't anything wrong with you, I promise. I think the fear you've described is a very natural response to pain. If inserting things into the vagina is difficult, you don't have to push it. I understand that it might feel like this is a problem you need to fix now or it will cause problems later, but that isn't the case. It is quite possible that inserting things will get easier as your body develops. You have time, so you can give yourself a break.

I want to touch on something Sam said earlier:

You know, inserting things into the vaginal canal can be a bit tricky, especially if you're still pretty new to interacting with your body in that way. Lube is something that can help, but it's also important to be aware of how tense you are when you're trying to do it; being tense can often make it harder to insert things. This can sometimes create an annoying feedback loop where you're nervous, so you tense, and then it's uncomfortable or painful to insert the thing because you're tense, which means the next time you try you tense up AGAIN because last time it hurt.

I think you're experiencing the feedback loop that Sam described. Taking a break will help with this- if you approach this when you're relaxed instead of afraid, it is very likely that it will be easier and less painful.

[florence23]

hi again! i think my fear must be what makes it hurt so bad, but i genuinely can’t get over it. as soon as i sit down and think “okay, i’m gonna do it,” this feeling hits me of complete dread and anxiety and i just feel like i never ever want to try, but i know i need to.

also, i’ve sort of had this thing before where (idk if this makes sense) places on my body that don’t often get contact are really sensitive to touch. for some reason like the very very top of my scalp was, so for a while i had to keep putting contact to it to make it less sensitive, and it worked. same thing with the skin right in the middle of my chest, it just felt (again, don’t know how to describe this) but fragile and sensitive, so i had to like train? myself into getting over it by touching it. maybe this is what i’m experiencing with not being able to put a finger in or anything.

since i’ve never put anything in there before, i think that’s what must make me so scared. i know i don’t have a reason to be scared, but i dread trying again because each time i try, it adds to the reasons on why i feel i shouldn’t. it adds to my fear, i’m always thinking “remember how bad it hurt last time?” i try and try to relax, but i can’t. i know how difficult this must sound, and i feel like there’s nothing i can do about it, so i’m sorry if this is useless trying to explain.

[Sam W]

Hi florence23,

It's actually common for skin that doesn't get much, if any, contact to be really sensitive when we then touch it (that's more likely to be noticeable if it's an area of skin with a lot of nerve endings). I agree with you, though, that what's likely going on here is that loop of being afraid, tensing up, and then it hurting if you do try because you're so tense.

You say that right now, inserting things feels like something you never, ever want to try, which is another point in favor of taking a big break from trying. You also say you know you'll need to insert things eventually. But the thing is, barring certain medical exams, there's not really a situation where something NEEDS to be inserted into the vaginal canal. With sex or masturbation, there are plenty of other things that can be done. And even with periods, if inserting things is an absolute no-go, there are plenty of people who stick to pads rather than using tampons or menstrual cups. Does that make sense?

[florence23]

yes, that does make sense. i’ll take a break from trying for a bit, but also i want to be able to have normal sex when i’m older, and i want to be able to do all the normal things, and i know i must be capable of it, it’s just hard because i can’t do it, no matter how much i try.

[Sam W]

I'm glad it makes sense!

Too, I think a big way you can take pressure off yourself around all this is to try and let go of the idea that there's "normal" sex that happens in every sexual relationship. Normal as a concept with sex isn't all that helpful because human sexuality is incredibly varied (I really love how Heather breaks that down here: Am I normal? Who cares?)The most we can talk about is whether or not things are common, and even that isn't useful in terms of creating a sex life, either with ourselves or with a partner. What matters is what we enjoy, what we're comfortable with, and the limitations of our bodies, whatever those may be. And we tend to have a much better time sexually if we let go of the idea that there are activities we "need" or "should" be doing and focus instead on what things actually create a pleasurable experience for us and a partner.

[florence23]

hi! i’ve taken a break from trying but i’m still scared to try again. are there any like little steps i can take to ease myself into putting a finger or a tampon in there? i’m just wondering if i can just go step by step to make things feel less weird or sudden and scary, but i don’t know how. but also i still can’t really find the hole because i’ve never put anything in it before. i’ve looked at articles and diagrams of it and everything but i just can’t see it on myself. and i know i can do it and will be able to do it at one point, but i’m just scared. i wish i could just get my doctor to help me, but i’m too nervous to mention that and i just know how badly it hurt the last time.

[CaitlinEve]

Hi florence23, welcome back!

You can definitely go step-by-step and ease yourself into it! The way you do so really depends on you and your comfort levels. It's important to get to know yourself and your anatomy as a first step in the process but I know your anxiety can make it hard! Here is an article you may find helpful in this process.

Please know that your nervousness and struggles are not uncommon and that many others have been through this as well! I also don't want you to feel ashamed or scared to ask your doctor; I can guarantee you are not the first or the last person to approach them with this issue and it's part of their job to help you!

[Jacob]

Hi florence,

I just want to add another question here which why you're feeling you need to try at all?

We don't need to fear a "next time" if we aren't planning a next time. So why not figure that so long as this is something you dread and fear, it simply isn't something you do?

If a time comes when you feel curious, relaxed with no pressure about what needs to happen, or when it needs to happen, then by all means explore away... but if we start off believing that we will have to do a thing before we feel ready, willing and interested that's only going to bring more stress.

I really think we all deserve some self-love and self-compassion in the form of letting ourselves not do things we don't want to do, and to meet things at our own pace.