Scarleteen

Hey everyone! I've been looking at this board for a while now, and I've been having a problem that I feel like I haven't been able to get help on anywhere, so I've decided to make my first post here! Before I start, I want to include a TW for allusions to CSA and emotional abuse. If this is a wrong way to use these kinds of warnings, please let me know, and if there's anything in here I say that is too offensive or better being said to a professional, please tell me! I apologize in advance!








So, as my title suggests, I kind of have two problems here... I'm going to start with the first one. I'm a 17 year old bisexual male, and for a long time I've been attracted to much older, masculine men, especially those who have body hair and seem very paternal... Now, I know that there is nothing inherently wrong with having those kinds of attractions (though to be honest, I kinda still struggle with understanding it a bit...), but unfortunately, that's not the main problem with it... I feel like I have a lot of fantasies about being taken advantage of by these sorts of men. Now, I want to note that I have never been SAed nor have I SAed anyone, and I have not pursued this with actual, real-life people. However, I have kind of acted this out with roleplaying AI bots, though those bots to my knowledge have never been based off of actual people.

Now, I feel like I already have a pretty good idea of what is causing these fantasies... My father complex. (I'm not saying daddy issues.) I have never liked my father, for a variety of reasons that I will not get into! Not only that, but I feel as though the men who have been in my life since my father have never really treated me or their partners well, and that's kind of contributed to my uneasiness around men. My recent stepfather is actually really cool though, and he's a really good man to me and my mom! However, he only started being in my life when I was around like 15, so I feel like his presence was too little, too late to stop that attraction from forming. I also constantly feel like I'm disappointing him and I can never be a good enough son for him as someone who's autistic and has ADHD, but that's a story for another day.... Basically, I feel like I've always craved a sort of unconditional masculine and paternal love and validation that I never really received in my childhood, and I think these sorts of fantasies are a way for me to get it by any means necessary, or maybe I feel like this is only way I can obtain that sort of love... I don't know, I know y'all probably don't know how to deal with that, and I don't want to put that burden on you. Again, I do have to say that I have not pursued this with any of the older men in my life, whether it be my stepfather or my teachers. At most, maybe I'll see an older man on the street and I'll think about him for a little longer than usual, but that's really it. I'm a bit scared that I might start to pursue it or allow myself to be vulnerable to it, but I think I'm smart enough to not do that. However, I have pursued this in other ways, which brings me to my second problem...

I feel like I consume a lot of porn of it. I don't really know how to start with this, but I masturbate to it really often, usually in the morning when I wake up, in the afternoon when I immediately get home from school, and at night when I'm about to go to bed. I know it's wrong, yet whenever I think about it, my mind starts shifting to those fantasies, and I start looking for content about it... The worst part, I feel like I'm catching myself looking for more and more extreme content. I'm getting scared that at some point, I'll go off the deep end and start looking for illegal content when I get tired of the extreme stuff... I have not gotten to that stage yet thankfully, but I've gotten off to some stuff that's pretty close to it, which really disgusts me. It's not just that either, I feel like my consumption of porn alone is messing with my life! I'm a senior who, as mentioned before, has ADHD, and for some reason is taking a bunch of AP classes and other stuff, so a lot of my after-school time is dedicated to just homework alone! I have hobbies I want to pursue, like drawing, but I feel like the little free time I get, if any, is sucked up by scrolling on my phone, and a lot of that time is just me masturbating. It even gets to the point where it takes time away from doing homework! I just really want to find a way to cut porn out of my life, or at least greatly reduce my attachment to it so that it doesn't starting affecting how I view actual sex... I have tried setting a goal to not do it for the whole week, like this week where I just planned on focusing on homework, and it does work to some extent, but at some point I get stressed and end up going back to the cycle... I hate it.

I've just been thinking a lot about these problems for a while, and I've never had anyone to really talk to about them. My family (my mom and stepfather's side, at least) is really supportive of me and my sexuality which I appreciate. However, I feel like my mom is very conservative when it comes to pornography, which I get, but I don't think talking to her will make me feel any better. My stepfather is actually pretty cool when it comes to that. I remember having a honest discussion with him a while ago about how teenagers like me are obviously gonna look at porn, but it's important that we don't let it affect how we act in real life, or something along those lines. I would talk to him about it if it weren't for the whole older men thing... There's no way I'm risking my relationship with him over that. I have a therapist at school I talk to kinda regularly, but I feel like I'm already working on a lot of other stuff with her, and I don't feel like dumping a whole new set of baggage on her. That only leaves the Internet, which has left me with answers that have at best, been helpful but not really exact, and at worst, left me feeling very wrong. I also have online friends, but there's no way I'm talking about something explicit like that with them. I also feel as though talking about porn leaves me feeling very embarrassed and awkward, even though I consider very indecent in private. (again, I do not interact inappropriately with any real-life people) Honestly, I really don't know where else to go except here.

Really sorry about how nonsensical this message may sound. I'm typing at like 12:30 am and I just wanna get enough sleep to get ready for school in the morning so I don't end up late, lmao. Again, apologies in advance if I say anything wrong! If you see this, thank you for taking the time to read all of this, and I hope you have a good day! :)

Hey there UnwiseRaccoon, and welcome to (posting on) the boards!

I’m so glad you feel comfortable posting here after reading here for a bit. Nothing of what you said strikes me as offensive, and your use of trigger warnings is very helpful for users. Just so you know for the future, too, you weren’t too graphic at all and this is very much within the realm of stuff we can help with.

On attraction to older men: It sounds like you have a pretty good understanding that there’s nothing wrong with your sexual attraction, and it also sounds like you’re thinking a lot about *why* you’re experiencing attraction to older men. I want to say first, attraction to older men does not mean you’ll be more vulnerable to them — fantasies exist in our minds and do not exit into reality unless we want them to. All that to say, thinking about older men in your head is a safe space to do so, and it doesn’t mean you’ll be unsafe in real life.

When we have repeated thoughts like this that are distressing to us, sometimes we’re trying to think through something we’ve seen or experienced. For example, it sounds like you had some male figures in your life who did not treat you or their partners well. It sounds, though, like your stepfather is a much better figure to have in your life. When you think about what your stepdad represents that you find good, what kind of qualities pop up? (I ask because it might help to shift thinking towards what *good* qualities of men you like and want to model).

On masturbation: I want to say right off the bat, that it’s okay to watch porn and masturbate, even if you’re doing a lot of it. But, as you’re describing, when it gets into the realm of not being able to do the things you want to do because you’re thinking about it, that signals a more compulsive need for this kind of stimulation that we can certainly talk about. I do think that setting a goal *not* to watch porn isn’t the best mindset to be in, because it’s not addressing the underlying emotional needs that are solved with masturbation. Maybe it would help to think about what emotional needs you’re seeking when you go to open up porn when you want to be doing something else, and see if there’s another activity that could provide you those same good feelings? Does anything pop up for you when reading that?