I don't want my problematic fantasies or porn to ruin my life!

[UnwiseRaccoon]

Hey everyone! I've been looking at this board for a while now, and I've been having a problem that I feel like I haven't been able to get help on anywhere, so I've decided to make my first post here! Before I start, I want to include a TW for allusions to CSA and emotional abuse. If this is a wrong way to use these kinds of warnings, please let me know, and if there's anything in here I say that is too offensive or better being said to a professional, please tell me! I apologize in advance!








So, as my title suggests, I kind of have two problems here... I'm going to start with the first one. I'm a 17 year old bisexual male, and for a long time I've been attracted to much older, masculine men, especially those who have body hair and seem very paternal... Now, I know that there is nothing inherently wrong with having those kinds of attractions (though to be honest, I kinda still struggle with understanding it a bit...), but unfortunately, that's not the main problem with it... I feel like I have a lot of fantasies about being taken advantage of by these sorts of men. Now, I want to note that I have never been SAed nor have I SAed anyone, and I have not pursued this with actual, real-life people. However, I have kind of acted this out with roleplaying AI bots, though those bots to my knowledge have never been based off of actual people.

Now, I feel like I already have a pretty good idea of what is causing these fantasies... My father complex. (I'm not saying daddy issues.) I have never liked my father, for a variety of reasons that I will not get into! Not only that, but I feel as though the men who have been in my life since my father have never really treated me or their partners well, and that's kind of contributed to my uneasiness around men. My recent stepfather is actually really cool though, and he's a really good man to me and my mom! However, he only started being in my life when I was around like 15, so I feel like his presence was too little, too late to stop that attraction from forming. I also constantly feel like I'm disappointing him and I can never be a good enough son for him as someone who's autistic and has ADHD, but that's a story for another day.... Basically, I feel like I've always craved a sort of unconditional masculine and paternal love and validation that I never really received in my childhood, and I think these sorts of fantasies are a way for me to get it by any means necessary, or maybe I feel like this is only way I can obtain that sort of love... I don't know, I know y'all probably don't know how to deal with that, and I don't want to put that burden on you. Again, I do have to say that I have not pursued this with any of the older men in my life, whether it be my stepfather or my teachers. At most, maybe I'll see an older man on the street and I'll think about him for a little longer than usual, but that's really it. I'm a bit scared that I might start to pursue it or allow myself to be vulnerable to it, but I think I'm smart enough to not do that. However, I have pursued this in other ways, which brings me to my second problem...

I feel like I consume a lot of porn of it. I don't really know how to start with this, but I masturbate to it really often, usually in the morning when I wake up, in the afternoon when I immediately get home from school, and at night when I'm about to go to bed. I know it's wrong, yet whenever I think about it, my mind starts shifting to those fantasies, and I start looking for content about it... The worst part, I feel like I'm catching myself looking for more and more extreme content. I'm getting scared that at some point, I'll go off the deep end and start looking for illegal content when I get tired of the extreme stuff... I have not gotten to that stage yet thankfully, but I've gotten off to some stuff that's pretty close to it, which really disgusts me. It's not just that either, I feel like my consumption of porn alone is messing with my life! I'm a senior who, as mentioned before, has ADHD, and for some reason is taking a bunch of AP classes and other stuff, so a lot of my after-school time is dedicated to just homework alone! I have hobbies I want to pursue, like drawing, but I feel like the little free time I get, if any, is sucked up by scrolling on my phone, and a lot of that time is just me masturbating. It even gets to the point where it takes time away from doing homework! I just really want to find a way to cut porn out of my life, or at least greatly reduce my attachment to it so that it doesn't starting affecting how I view actual sex... I have tried setting a goal to not do it for the whole week, like this week where I just planned on focusing on homework, and it does work to some extent, but at some point I get stressed and end up going back to the cycle... I hate it.

I've just been thinking a lot about these problems for a while, and I've never had anyone to really talk to about them. My family (my mom and stepfather's side, at least) is really supportive of me and my sexuality which I appreciate. However, I feel like my mom is very conservative when it comes to pornography, which I get, but I don't think talking to her will make me feel any better. My stepfather is actually pretty cool when it comes to that. I remember having a honest discussion with him a while ago about how teenagers like me are obviously gonna look at porn, but it's important that we don't let it affect how we act in real life, or something along those lines. I would talk to him about it if it weren't for the whole older men thing... There's no way I'm risking my relationship with him over that. I have a therapist at school I talk to kinda regularly, but I feel like I'm already working on a lot of other stuff with her, and I don't feel like dumping a whole new set of baggage on her. That only leaves the Internet, which has left me with answers that have at best, been helpful but not really exact, and at worst, left me feeling very wrong. I also have online friends, but there's no way I'm talking about something explicit like that with them. I also feel as though talking about porn leaves me feeling very embarrassed and awkward, even though I consider very indecent in private. (again, I do not interact inappropriately with any real-life people) Honestly, I really don't know where else to go except here.

Really sorry about how nonsensical this message may sound. I'm typing at like 12:30 am and I just wanna get enough sleep to get ready for school in the morning so I don't end up late, lmao. Again, apologies in advance if I say anything wrong! If you see this, thank you for taking the time to read all of this, and I hope you have a good day! :)

[KierC]

Hey there UnwiseRaccoon, and welcome to (posting on) the boards!

I’m so glad you feel comfortable posting here after reading here for a bit. Nothing of what you said strikes me as offensive, and your use of trigger warnings is very helpful for users. Just so you know for the future, too, you weren’t too graphic at all and this is very much within the realm of stuff we can help with.

On attraction to older men: It sounds like you have a pretty good understanding that there’s nothing wrong with your sexual attraction, and it also sounds like you’re thinking a lot about *why* you’re experiencing attraction to older men. I want to say first, attraction to older men does not mean you’ll be more vulnerable to them — fantasies exist in our minds and do not exit into reality unless we want them to. All that to say, thinking about older men in your head is a safe space to do so, and it doesn’t mean you’ll be unsafe in real life.

When we have repeated thoughts like this that are distressing to us, sometimes we’re trying to think through something we’ve seen or experienced. For example, it sounds like you had some male figures in your life who did not treat you or their partners well. It sounds, though, like your stepfather is a much better figure to have in your life. When you think about what your stepdad represents that you find good, what kind of qualities pop up? (I ask because it might help to shift thinking towards what *good* qualities of men you like and want to model).

On masturbation: I want to say right off the bat, that it’s okay to watch porn and masturbate, even if you’re doing a lot of it. But, as you’re describing, when it gets into the realm of not being able to do the things you want to do because you’re thinking about it, that signals a more compulsive need for this kind of stimulation that we can certainly talk about. I do think that setting a goal *not* to watch porn isn’t the best mindset to be in, because it’s not addressing the underlying emotional needs that are solved with masturbation. Maybe it would help to think about what emotional needs you’re seeking when you go to open up porn when you want to be doing something else, and see if there’s another activity that could provide you those same good feelings? Does anything pop up for you when reading that?

[UnwiseRaccoon]

Hey KierC, thanks for the response! Sorry for responding so late- I wanted to respond when I got your message, but I had to go to school and all.

For my stepdad, I guess one of the main qualities I like about him is how caring and supportive he is of me and my mom. Unlike with my mom's previous partners, I have never heard him fight or argue loudly with her. He's also really interested in getting to know me. He always wants me to tell him what I'm laughing at and whenever he's driving our family, he tries to get me to play my favorite music. A lot of the time I kind of get annoyed at this (which now thinking about it, I do kind of feel bad about) since I like keeping things to myself, but also because I feel like some of the interests are things he would be really unfamiliar with and that I don't feel like explaining. However, I feel like recently we have been doing even better, as I'm kind of sharing more of what I like to do, and I also talk with him a bit more often, and I always appreciate our conversations. I don't remember him ever yelling at me. There are a few moments where he's been stern with me, which I really didn't like since it reminded me of how past men treated me, but that's really it. He's also pretty funny (A bit too funny sometimes to be honest...), though he can give the standard dad lecture every now and then. Even then, I still really appreciate how he gives me guidance from time to time. Now, despite all of that, there are a few problems I have with him. As someone who's autistic, I have a lot of trouble telling what he's thinking or feeling based off his face, and he also lectures me from time to time about how to act appropriately in various situations. I know he's just preparing me for the real world, and I appreciate that, but I can't help but I'm disappointing him, and that he doesn't really know how I feel, since he's neurotypical. I also feel very hesitant to call him "Dad" even though I care for him a lot more than my actual dad, which I feel like he notices. But still, overall, he's a really good person, and I would never want him to go away.

As for emotional needs, I guess I mainly feel stressed or bored whenever I masturbate. I walk to and from school, and a lot of times I'll go straight to my bed to masturbate. Sometimes, when I'm even feeling stressed during a school lesson, I'll think to myself, "Ugh, I should masturbate when I get home..." A lot of times too is when in bed in the morning or night, I start scrolling on my phone and eventually looking at adult content, making me stay late and masturbate until I get off so I can get out of bed/go to sleep. Also, whenever I read or think about how wrong the content I'm masturbating to is, I just start thinking about it more and more, and get aroused and end up masturbating. I think I also do it whenever I think about my father complex, though I would say that is less frequent. I guess as an alternative, I could try drawing or playing a video game or talking with friends? But the problem is, I have ADHD, and I really try to spend my free time after school not to do anything fun like playing video games, because I have a set time for when I go to do homework, and if I do that, I often end up just doing that fun thing instead for a long time, and that's even when I'm on my medication! I guess drawing could be nice to do, though I do have to say that talking about this right now is kind of taking my mind off having to masturbate. I don't know if that really means anything, though.

I hope that answers your questions! One last thing though, on sexual attraction, I'm really not sure if I've come to terms with accepting the fact that there's nothing wrong with it. I feel like if I'm only attracted or get off to people like that, I won't be able to be attracted to anyone except porn stars and fictional people...

Sorry if I got off track there, I know this must be a lot to handle. Again, thank you for taking the time to read this if you see this!

[KierC]

Hey there UnwiseRaccoon,

You are very welcome, I’m glad I could help get us started towards helping you feel a little better.

I actually want to start with the last thing you said because it’s not off track at all. I know it’s never as easy to get thoughts of sexual shame to go away. After all, if you’re getting messages from society too that this is wrong, it’s a little harder to shake off than just “Oh it’s not wrong? Ok, great!”, but identifying that society’s message is inaccurate is often a helpful first step. For example, society’s message that your sexual interest or fantasy = who you are a sexual person full stop is not reflected in reality. We know from doing this kind of work that fantasies exist in our minds, and they stay there safely unless we choose to enact them in real life. So, when you’re feeling like your sexual life in reality is going to be altered by fantasy, it can be helpful to remember: that’s not *my* message, that’s X’s. We have some more info on sexual shame here, which may be beneficial for you to read.

It sounds like you’re realizing, through your relationship with your stepfather, that you enjoy being around people who are caring, supportive, and perhaps funny! I’m glad you have that relationship, and it can serve as a reminder too that you can and will be accepted by people who care for you, and that you enjoy things about people other than things like age.

With regard to your main question about masturbating to porn of this: It sounds like masturbation is something you think about when you’re stressed or bored. You know, that’s actually what a LOT of folks do when they’re stressed or bored. You’re neither alone nor broken for this. I hear you, though, that when you have to do homework and such it can get distracting. Do you have other self-soothing measures you can take in times where you’re stressed or bored but don’t have time to masturbate? I hear you that, with your ADHD you try not to do anything else other than homework — but I suspect that might be part of the reason you’re thinking about this a lot as well: you need a break! Even if it’s hard to discipline yourself, you deserve mental rest after school in *some* way. It sounds like your mind is asking you for some more rest. It sounds, too, like talking through these feelings helps you feel a bit more grounded: maybe reminding yourself that your attraction is complex, your shame is coming from multiple places, and through it all, you’re not broken.