Scarleteen

So someone in my life, has made a habit of putting his hands on my legs, whenever possible. The majority of the time, I either move away, or remove his hands, but usually after 5-10 minutes, he moves them back.
It makes me really uncomfortable, and I'd tell him to stop, but I'm scared, because he's way stronger than me and could seriously hurt me.
The thing is, He seems to really respect consent with other people, which makes me wonder if maybe I'm just crazy.
But I already told him once to stop, and he laughed it off and didn't.
There's other ways he touches me that I don't like, but usually the thighs is the worst part.

Hi Foreverl0st,

You are not crazy. You have a very reasonable boundary that this person isn't listening to. Moving away or removing someone's hands is often a good enough sign on its own. Beyond that, you actually told him to stop and he just laughed it off. This just isn't okay. Expecting people to be consistent is usually a helpful rule of thumb — if someone treats other people well, it is fair to expect that they will do the same with you. But that doesn't mean you should ignore your own experiences. Regardless of how he treats other people, this person doesn't respect your consent.

Would you feel comfortable telling us a little more about this situation? We may be able to brainstorm some ways to get it to stop. When/where do you meet this person? What role do they play in your life?

He's my father, so, since I'm homeschooled and he works from home, we're near each other essentially 24-7.
It's just so off-putting because I know he respects everyone else's boundaries.

Hi Foreverl0st!

Ah, so that's the case. Clearly, this isn't the only instance where your father hasn't respected your boundaries. You've mentioned before that your parents control your gender expression and which personal care products you have, and they monitor your internet usage. It also seems like your parents also don't support you in getting medical attention when you need it.

You were worried that telling your father to stop would be dangerous because he could hurt you. That sounds like a very stressful and unsafe environment to be in. If I may ask, has he used physical force before? Has he threatened to use force?

He sometimes hits and yells, and has made it clear that if I resist, he'll just use physical force to get what he wants, but I've never actually resisted enough for him to need to, I'm too scared.

Hey Foreverlost,

I’m sorry that your father chooses to ignore your boundaries, and that he has hit you. Nobody deserves to be controlled like this, or hit, or threatened. That is not okay. But I’m so glad you’re here and can talk about this here.

From these details, and details in your other posts, it sounds like your home environment is not a safe one to be in right now. I understand that you’re scared. Please know you’re not alone. In times like this, it’s helpful to have a safety plan to guide you in getting support and getting this to stop. We have one here, if you’d like to take a look at it when you can: The Scarleteen Safety Plan: When You Live With The Abuse.

The first step here is going to be telling someone in your life who you can trust. Is there a trusted adult in your life who you can tell what’s going on? Perhaps a friend’s parent, a neighbor, or a trusted extended family member?

One more question: Is there a safe space you can stay, so you aren’t in the same physical space as him?

No to both of those.
Essentially everyone I know, apart from one friend my age, will put what my parents, specifically my father, says at higher priority than what I say. They'll just tell him that I told them, dad will say I lied, I'll get punished, and loose that friend.
And since my one friend who would listen is 15, She wouldn't be able to provide a safe space for me to stay, because if she asked her mom, her mom would report back to my parents and same circle as earlier.

Hey there Foreverlost,

Thank you for sharing that information. It sounds like, since your immediate circle may report back to your father, the next step to get the physical violence to stop and to seek medical care for the yeast infections, is to reach out to social services. There are child services that exist to help young people in situations like yours, and reaching out to them will help start the process of getting you out of this situation. The Pixel Project keeps this list of resources for domestic violence by location. When you find the hotline that is closest to your location, safe the number somewhere safe, and save it as a different name than what it is (something you’ll recognize, but others won’t).

I’m going to stop there for now so I don’t give too much info at once, but how are you feeling right now about calling social services?

I've called CPS before, and it didn't go well.
A police officer laughed in my face, called me crazy, and walked off.
I got in so much trouble, and there was no benefit.
They just looked at my parents, shrugged, and drove off.

Hey there,

I am sorry to hear that you weren’t listened to when you called and reported to CPS. So, any call to CPS should result in a caseworker being assigned to review the case. Can you reach out to the CPS caseworker who was assigned to your call?

Alternatively, if you’d like (and with your permission) we can follow up with your caseworker to ensure this is getting reported. Oftentimes, the more people you can get to talk about this and report it, the more will get done.

I don't know who the caseworker was.
I never really got to talk to anyone, apart from the police officer who mocked me and wouldn't let me get a word in.
They found my parents and talked to them, and just them, without ever even giving me a chance to be part of the conversation.

So so so, sorry this happened and is happening, and that that was the way it was handled the last time you reached out for help.

It sounds like whoever you initially spoke to at CPS thought this was a serious enough problem to involve law enforcement, who obviously did a terrible job of investigating what has been happening, and I'm not hearing that CPS, even after doing that, necessarily did everything they needed to do, like passing on the contact details of a case worker.

If you feel unsafe around the possibility of asking your father to stop, and don't believe that he even would stop if asked, I'm glad you've listened to that instinct, and please don't feel bad for any of the ways you've dealt with this so far. You've done a great job.

I do want to see, though, if we can actually help to get you safe!

Can you maybe email us some more details about where exactly you're based, and we can start connecting the dots? Bearing in mind, that we won't be making any moves in any of this that you don't feel ready for.

We actually have an ex-volunteer who is a kick-ass casework, who we believe might actually be located near to you, and is themselves a survivor of domestic violence and who we can reach out to for advice/input tomorrow.

With the right help, perhaps we could help you reconnect with CPS, find you an actual caseworker, and do whatever we can do so that things go 100 times better for you a second time round. Especially given that you have already done what is often the most difficult step of reporting this the first time.

You can send that email via this form on our site: Contact Us or by emailing codirectorsATscarleteenDOTcom (that goes to myself and Heather).

If you'd prefer that we open up chat so we can talk live that's also something we can arrange here or over email. Just let us know!

I just want to pull out this sentence from our user guidelines & agreement which is relevant here:

[P]osts made on our boards are not subject to any mandatory reporting, and in the event we feel we must report a post or something about it to someone for a reason other than harassment or abuse complaint* or legal action, we will inform users of our intent before doing so.

From our User Guidelines & Privacy Policy

(* meaning harassment or abuse against us)

I don't think I want to.
I'm scared.

That's completely understandable, this stuff can be scary, so let's not rush into anything - we're here for whatever you want to do, whenever you're ready ok?

Do you maybe want to talk more about that scary feeling, if there are any particular parts of this that are feeling extra scary?

We could also talk about a slightly slower exit plan - I don't know if part of you hasn't already been making a "survive the next few years" leaving home plan, but we could talk about that too?

Yeah. Mostly, I just plan to tough it out until I turn 18.
Its not much more than two years, and it sounds a LOT less scary then trying the whole CPS route again.
I got in so much trouble when they came last time, lost all my devices and privacy, and was never allowed to be alone. For almost a year after. Including while using the restroom and showering. And sleeping.

I completely understand feeling scared about engaging CPS again. As Jacob mentioned, while there is a way to get a more attentive caseworker’s eyes on this, if you don’t want to go that route, that is okay. We’re here for how you want to do things, and for what support you feel would be most helpful for you.

It sounds like right now you want to prioritize staying safe at home until you turn 18. We can definitively talk about a “survive the next few years” plan — is that something you’re open to talking about? A safety plan is a good way to remind yourself of what resources you have in one place if things become dangerous or violent again. Some ideas I have, too, that may help you get through the next couple years:

• Activities to get you out of the house more often: Do you have a hobby you like that you can ask to take a class in? Could you study at a community library, or see if you can work somewhere part-time?

• Identify those who support you, and lean into your relationships with them. You mentioned you have a couple of friends. Is it possible for you to see them more?

• Something that comes to mind when you recall your parents taking away your devices and privacy— Do you have privacy with the device you’re accessing these boards on? If not, it may be a good idea (if you aren’t doing this already) to delete your internet history after using the internet, to ensure that you can safely use the boards.

• Making a physical safety plan that you keep in a safe place may help in times of distress, as it can contain not only resources for help, but encouraging reminders of why you reached out for help in the first place, where the last time you felt safe was and who it was with, and how you can create physical distance from the person abusing you (For reference, this is a good example of a safety plan!)

Please feel free to take this info in at your own pace. If you’d like to talk more about how to make a safety plan, more ideas on how to stay safer at home, or anything you feel would help you, we are here for you whenever you’re ready. <3

I'm working on getting a part-time job, since that extra money would also be helpful when I turn 18 and am able to move out.
Sadly, it's not really possible for me to see my friends more, though I can chat online with some of them on sites like discord safely. (I have three email addresses my parents don't know about)
One step ahead of you there. Always on private browsing mode, clearing out any excess info, including my clipboard, and in case they track my app usage, I have webpages they'd consider "acceptable" open at all times to switch to and fill my search history.

Ah, I am glad to hear you’ve got your internet privacy down! Very good idea to fill the search history with other sites.

I think getting a part-time job is a wonderful idea: it’ll give you some more time away from the house, and you can make some money to plan for when you can leave. I think, too, it’ll be good just to have more supportive folks around you however you can, so I’m hopeful for you that the part-time job you find has some good coworkers. How is the search process going?

It’s hard when you can’t see your friends more often, so I think the part-time job would be great for some in-person interaction outside of your house, but it does sound like Discord is a safe space for you to interact with them more often. Maybe making a regular time to chat could give you something to look forward to each week, and give yourself a way to know you’re being checked in on regularly?

How are you feeling about things right now with your support options and plan going forward?

The search process for a job isn't going the best, but I do yard work for a few different people.
sadly, due to my friend's constantly changing schedules, we can't set up an organized time for us to both be on discord. However, usually she can be on whenever I need to message her.
I guess I'm feeling alright. Do you have any ideas of good places/ways to hide small objects from parents?

If you have any stuffed animals and nominal sewing skills that can be a fun one.

Another useful thing to have is a "go-bag" with essentials for if you ever had to leave in a hurry, and so there are fewer steps to take on the day when you decide "today is the day" and that can also be passed off as just somewhere you're keeping useful things or part of "I'm a pepper now" -- nobody needs to know why when there are so many plausible valid reasons for a thing.

Just a note too to say that we are closed for the rest of the day and tomorrow so thank you for your patience in us getting back to you!

I do have stuffed animals and can sew, but my parents would notice. Currently I hide smaller items inside a memory foam pillow.
Alright, thank you for letting me know.

Hi Foreverl0st!

You know your parents and their patterns best — the best place to hide something is wherever they won't look. Inside a pillow sounds good! Just to check, do you know that your parents won't take it and wash it on their own?

Let us know if there is anything more we can do to help. It looks like you were going to get a part-time job — do you have a plan for how you will save the money you make?

They won't take and wash it, because the actual pillow is memory foam and will destroy the washing machine. And if they take and wash the covers, they won't be able to see the items hidden in it.

Probably either cash hidden in the pillow, or in a savings account they watch. If they know I have a job, they know I'll be making money, so at least some of it they have to be able to see or they'll ask questions.