Hey.
I have a lot of problems concerning having romantic feelings towards anyone and everyone who either is nice to me or that I have eye contact with. I think it's the result of not having been in a real relationship like ever even though everyone around me is experimenting and some of my best friends have even already lost their virginities. I can't help but feel like something is wrong with me because I subconsciously convince myself that I have crushes on people when in reality I'm just thinking about them all the time. And this happens way too much to be normal. On one instance, a guy in my P.E class just said my name and high-fived me because I did a good job and now I can't stop thinking about him and find myself wanting to somehow impress him whenever he's near by either talking loudly or showing off my skills at whatever it is I'm doing. A while back, something similar happened but I decided to ask that guy out and we dated for a few months but it was really disappointing because we never talked irl except when our mutual friends were hanging out and I broke it off because he wasn't really forcing himself to be a boyfriend and I was too nervous and scared to put myself out there and try something. I'm sorry, this message is a real mess but basically what I'm asking is: Is it normal that I'm ''crushing'' on literally everyone and what can I do to get better at dating?
I fall way too fast
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Asking Queries
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Re: I fall way too fast
Hi emmy09,
I can’t provide much advice on dating, but as a bi/lesbian girl who gets crushes on tons of people, maybe it would help to hear my experience:
I get crushes on so many people, the number is probably around 10 at this point. I’ve had crushes on random people (strangers in person and people online), crushes that lasted for a few hours or years. I’ve definitely felt awkward about having so many crushes, but it’s sometimes helped to think about why I had a crush on that person — sometimes that reason is actually quite nice and reasonable , and if this part of what feels “abnormal” to you is that the crushes seem arbitrary, maybe they aren’t in some way. To be clear though, I don’t think it would be bad or abnormal to have arbitrary crushes (or really any kind of crush, for that matter), I think that a certain amount of randomness just kinda happens with this sort of thing.
I can give a bit of thoughts on dating: if the feelings are a combination of something like “I really wanna talk to this person” and “I really wanna kiss/cuddle/hold hands/etc with them”, leaning onto the desire for talking might feel like a less risky way to figure out whether they might be right as a friend or person you date.
Here’s a nice “do’s and dont’s” Scarleteen article — I’m sending this one because it also links to their other stuff about crushes: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/relatio ... es-crushes
I really hope this helps.
- AQ
I can’t provide much advice on dating, but as a bi/lesbian girl who gets crushes on tons of people, maybe it would help to hear my experience:
I get crushes on so many people, the number is probably around 10 at this point. I’ve had crushes on random people (strangers in person and people online), crushes that lasted for a few hours or years. I’ve definitely felt awkward about having so many crushes, but it’s sometimes helped to think about why I had a crush on that person — sometimes that reason is actually quite nice and reasonable , and if this part of what feels “abnormal” to you is that the crushes seem arbitrary, maybe they aren’t in some way. To be clear though, I don’t think it would be bad or abnormal to have arbitrary crushes (or really any kind of crush, for that matter), I think that a certain amount of randomness just kinda happens with this sort of thing.
I can give a bit of thoughts on dating: if the feelings are a combination of something like “I really wanna talk to this person” and “I really wanna kiss/cuddle/hold hands/etc with them”, leaning onto the desire for talking might feel like a less risky way to figure out whether they might be right as a friend or person you date.
Here’s a nice “do’s and dont’s” Scarleteen article — I’m sending this one because it also links to their other stuff about crushes: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/relatio ... es-crushes
I really hope this helps.
- AQ
“… we need to recognize that adolescents, like all human beings, need strong social bonds. To provide youth with such bonds—at an interpersonal and societal level—is the work of us all.” - Amy T. Schalet, Not Under My Roof.
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KierC
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Re: I fall way too fast
Hey there Emmy!
I so agree with AQ: it’s totally normal to have crushes on multiple people, and there can be a lot of reasons why you might have a crush on someone. Like AQ said, thinking about what it is you like about that person can be a fruitful avenue of thought for getting to why you have a crush on them.
Something else I’m noticing in your post is that you want to be noticed, and when you have a crush you act in ways to be noticed by the person. I want to say, too, I have done the exact same things when I’ve had a crush on someone, like talking more loudly or wanting to impress them: I think it’s very natural to want to be seen and admired in return by the person that you see and admire! But I also want you to remember that you are enough, and you don’t need to perform for a crush for them to notice you. Just as you notice things you like in people that they do without thinking, people will notice things like that in you, too. I hear you, though, that it’s hard to put yourself out there to talk to someone and date confidently. Do you want to talk a bit more about why you’re finding it hard to do so?
I so agree with AQ: it’s totally normal to have crushes on multiple people, and there can be a lot of reasons why you might have a crush on someone. Like AQ said, thinking about what it is you like about that person can be a fruitful avenue of thought for getting to why you have a crush on them.
Something else I’m noticing in your post is that you want to be noticed, and when you have a crush you act in ways to be noticed by the person. I want to say, too, I have done the exact same things when I’ve had a crush on someone, like talking more loudly or wanting to impress them: I think it’s very natural to want to be seen and admired in return by the person that you see and admire! But I also want you to remember that you are enough, and you don’t need to perform for a crush for them to notice you. Just as you notice things you like in people that they do without thinking, people will notice things like that in you, too. I hear you, though, that it’s hard to put yourself out there to talk to someone and date confidently. Do you want to talk a bit more about why you’re finding it hard to do so?
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emmy09
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Re: I fall way too fast
Hey!
Thank you for your replies, they really helped.
And as for why I'm finding it hard to put myself out there in the dating category, it's actually kind of complicated to explain. I'm not the type of person to just march up to the person I like and start a conversation, but I also don't really like facetiming or confessing by text... I'm also really embarassed to bring up subjects concerning love or anything of the sort and it feels like I'm expected to do so by the other person and that stresses me out, so instead of talking about it I usually make up scenarios in my head at night or while I'm daydreaming about that person and I eventually make them seem like someone they probably even are not because I'm scared of making the first move all the time. It's weird because I'm an actor and I'm able to talk to big crowds without a flinch, but whenever I have to talk to one person about something I think is embarassing, I turn into a shy mess and the only person I've ever confessed to even told me that they were nervous about what I was going to tell them because I looked a mess even though they saw me do worse in front of more... Sorry about this word dump, I'm way to tired to edit it right now--
Thank you for your replies, they really helped.
And as for why I'm finding it hard to put myself out there in the dating category, it's actually kind of complicated to explain. I'm not the type of person to just march up to the person I like and start a conversation, but I also don't really like facetiming or confessing by text... I'm also really embarassed to bring up subjects concerning love or anything of the sort and it feels like I'm expected to do so by the other person and that stresses me out, so instead of talking about it I usually make up scenarios in my head at night or while I'm daydreaming about that person and I eventually make them seem like someone they probably even are not because I'm scared of making the first move all the time. It's weird because I'm an actor and I'm able to talk to big crowds without a flinch, but whenever I have to talk to one person about something I think is embarassing, I turn into a shy mess and the only person I've ever confessed to even told me that they were nervous about what I was going to tell them because I looked a mess even though they saw me do worse in front of more... Sorry about this word dump, I'm way to tired to edit it right now--
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Latha
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Re: I fall way too fast
Hi Emmy! Don't worry about your writing, I think this is clear.
Oof, I know it can be really intimidating to try to go up to someone and start a conversation, never mind confessing or talking about love. Those are delicate subjects with high stakes! I do like AQ's suggestion to consider talking to these people to learn more about them and figure out if they would be right as a friend or as a potential partner. Getting to know the people you're interested in before you confess will help you understand if they are really a good match for you, so you'll have better relationships. If you want that, maybe we can find a way to go about this that is less stressful. You might not need to think about confessing just yet, and there might be an easier way to start a conversation with the people you like without having to go up to them out of the blue.
It sounds like you share classes with some of the people you're interested in. That gives you a reason to be around them, and a common subject to discuss (whatever is happening in the class). You could think of something simple to say to them or ask them. A compliment is a good option. Think about how happy you were to receive one — it could make their day. Remember, none of these people know what is happening in your head, so they will not know that you are interested in them, and will not expect you to bring that up.
How does this sound?
Oof, I know it can be really intimidating to try to go up to someone and start a conversation, never mind confessing or talking about love. Those are delicate subjects with high stakes! I do like AQ's suggestion to consider talking to these people to learn more about them and figure out if they would be right as a friend or as a potential partner. Getting to know the people you're interested in before you confess will help you understand if they are really a good match for you, so you'll have better relationships. If you want that, maybe we can find a way to go about this that is less stressful. You might not need to think about confessing just yet, and there might be an easier way to start a conversation with the people you like without having to go up to them out of the blue.
It sounds like you share classes with some of the people you're interested in. That gives you a reason to be around them, and a common subject to discuss (whatever is happening in the class). You could think of something simple to say to them or ask them. A compliment is a good option. Think about how happy you were to receive one — it could make their day. Remember, none of these people know what is happening in your head, so they will not know that you are interested in them, and will not expect you to bring that up.
How does this sound?