Why do some people act like it's so easy to get dates?

[forest_wave]

A few different folks recently have asked me whether I'm dating anyone. When I've said no (and it's not for lack of wanting to), a couple of them replied with some version of, well why not. To which I guess I have some ideas. For one reason or another, the apps just haven't worked for me (cue anxiety about my appearance, how I look in pictures, et cetera). So, the obvious progression would be, put myself in situations to meet new people (seems like a basic enough recipe: be around new people, and interact with them). I don't feel like I do this enough, so that is something I need to work at. But I'm also an anxious person and an introvert with a limited social battery, so going out to socialize--especially when I work five days a week--feels like it requires a lot of activation energy. My main friend group right now is my coworkers, which is great, but going out with a group of 10-12 people really doesn't feel the most conducive to trying to meet new people (especially when I'm a straight male and they're mostly female--I know they're supportive of me, but it would still feel kind of uncomfortable trying to chat up a girl in front of them). And in situations where I go somewhere myself or get invited to a gathering by a friend, there's an underlying anxiety about, am I doing this right? is this what I'm supposed to be doing to meet people? who do I talk to?

It's starting to really become a sore spot when people ask me about my love life, and I feel like it's making me more ill at ease with my single-ness. So, I guess I'm partly wondering how I should put myself out there more without getting too anxious, but also how to handle these feelings of uneasiness about the fact that it feels so overwhelming to try and get dates.

[Latha]

Hi Forest_wave,

I think you probably know this, but the question 'why not?' is silly. I can't imagine many people would say they never have any trouble dating. This might be one of those situations where people haven't actually thought about the impact of their question, they are asking because it's an automatic response.

It might not be intentional on their part, but the question 'why not' implicitly assumes that you're lacking something if you aren't in a relationship, and defines success in dating as being in a relationship. Don't accept these terms. One way to become more at ease with being single is to remind yourself that there is nothing wrong with that. It is okay to be single for any reason, and not having a partner does not mean you are missing anything.

I guess I have some ideas.

It is useful to have a sense of what you might want to change to improve your chance of finding connections. However, the people who ask this sort of question are not owed an honest and complete evaluation of the state of your love life. You do not even need to consider the state of your love life to answer their question. All you need is a standard, non-committal response. Perhaps something along the lines of Oh, I'm still looking/I'm waiting for the right person. (After this, you may have to move the conversation forward, like by asking the other person a question.)

This might just be me, but trying to 'get dates' feels like a difficult and overwhelming goal to have in social interactions. Why not focus on making positive connections with people, and getting to know them? If that develops into a situation where you like someone and have the opportunity to ask them out, that can be a pleasant bonus.

I think anxiety tends to make us interrogate ourselves and look for gaps in our own behaviour. I would like to suggest that you might not be the problem here, and that the conditions for doing this wrong might be harder to meet than you think they are. If you aren't being actively rude or off-putting, you're probably fine (and remember, people have told you that you're very personable!). Missed connections are not evidence that you're doing something wrong — they are just a part of the experience of trying to meet people. Not everything is in your control; so much depends on the other person and the circumstances.

Does this make sense so far?

[forest_wave]

Yes, with you so far, and thanks for the reassurance--I think I was flailing a bit when I wrote all this, and your response helped. Especially your point about trying to just enjoy meeting people and socializing instead of trying to go in with the goal of finding dates, it's something I've thought about/been advised before. Easier said than done, but maybe just a matter of better coping strategies or repeat exposure or something.

I'm really burnt out on the apps, but I live in a major city, and it feels like they're the only way I ever hear of anyone meeting or getting in a relationship--surely they aren't, but they seem so quotidian. The objective part of my brain is over them, and they definitely hurt my self-esteem, but there's the emotional part of my brain that thinks they're better for my anxiety than trying to approach IRL, and "if they would just work...." so I go through this loop of deleting them, re-downloading the next day, getting upset, deleting. Is better willpower/affirmations the only way out of this?

Intertwined in all this is (and surely you haven't heard this before....) the fact that I'm embarrassed about still being a virgin. For a while as a choice, and then a while out of Catholic guilt, and then just more anxiety. Much as the logical part of my brian might try to speak up, it just feels like I'm way too late to a party everyone else is at, and it's really hard to manage for me.

[Heather]

Dating life on the apps really can be so rough, so exhausting, and feel so demoralizing. I wish that willpower and affirmations could change that, but I don't think it can. I think if we want things to change with them, their developers and owners need to do things differently and a lot of people using them need to use them differently.

That's pie in the sky, though, so let's talk about what you can do in the meantime.

For one, the apps can feel like our only option, but they really aren't. You can ask friends or family if they know anyone single they think might be good for you and they can set you up. You can also do things like volunteer work or events that are within your interests and the things you care about and see if you don't meet people that way: I'm very introverted, so I hear you on what they can take from us, so limit them as you need to. Major cities do often offer things like speed dating and other kinds of meetups, too. Even if you don't switch to only doing those things, it can be good for your morale to at least take breaks from the apps or mix it up with things like this, and you might just meet someone that way, too.

Which apps you're using can also make a big difference, as can how you are using them, from what you say in your profile to what you screen out with the screening tools a given app offers, to how -- and if -- you interact with people who swipe on you. Happy to brainstorm any of this with you if you like. Dating can be hard!