How to spice things up…

[reapergirl]

my(18) boyfriend(19) and I have been together for 2 and a half years now and for majority of it we were long distance. 4 months ago I moved in and our sex life was pretty good at first. Until recently his job put him on a 4am-12pm schedule and he comes home very tired, and lately we rarely have sex but he masturbates atleast every other day. the other night i discovered on his twitter account he was following countless of girls who post nudes, and even liked a couple. I made it clear in the past im okay with regular porn were there’s 2 people but nudes from other girls bother me… even if its not personal. Ofcourse when i saw his likes i was very hurt and it sparked a lot of insecurity’s in me, like why isn’t my body mature enough, or im not tall like them, even my race now because of this….i know i shouldn’t be but it keeps eating at me knowing that’s what he’s been looking at and i don’t have it. So now im looking for ways to make our sex life less boring, i would send nudes but i feel like i can’t get creative with them with not lingerie and he told me her prefers just my body no lingerie needed, not to mention even if i didn’t wear clothes i would still feel insecure because i don’t look like anything those girls do. and he’s always to tired to do anything crazy during sex so it always ends up pretty vanilla even if i didn’t want it to be… and he wants me to be on top to make up for the lack of energy but im not very good at being on top. so it leaves me with a lot of questions on how to fix this problem, and make myself feel less insecure or as if im not enough for my boyfriend

[Latha]

Hi Reapergirl, welcome to the boards!

I'm sorry that this abrupt and confusing change in your relationship is causing feelings of shame and insecurity! We can offer advice on how to navigate this shift, but you can't fix this on your own. I think it is best to have a proper discussion with your partner. He'll be able to give you a complete picture of what is happening, and you'll be able to work together to improve your sex life. I understand why this is troubling, but his masturbation might not be an indication that he prefers solo sex over sex with you. If he doesn't have energy, masturbation might just be a quick way to release tension and relax. And the likes on his account do not automatically mean that he isn't attracted to you, or that he is less attracted to you than he is to them. Try not to compare yourself to these women.

If you want to have this conversation, try to frame this as an issue both of you can work to resolve together, rather than a problem on his side. You can also talk to him finding his Twitter account, and about how all this has made you feel.

How does this sound? And if I may ask, how is your relationship outside of sex these days?

[reapergirl]

Thank you for replying back! we’ve talked about it since and everything you mentioned was essentially what he had said… Our relationship in general is good however with so many stressful situations going on it does put strain on us at times. We still haven’t had sex since i’ve posted the original post but i think it’s just because we haven’t really been in the mood to? Only solutions i’ve been able to come up with since our conversation was to try and put more effort in instead of him doing a lot of the work or try to send intimate pictures but it hasn’t led to anything and even if it did he would probably just want penetration and that’s it no foreplay.

[HannahP]

Hi Reapergirl! I'm sorry to hear that your relationship has been stressful lately. Tough work schedules can be so exhausting and it can be so difficult to feel connected with your partner when one of you is so tired!

A lot of people have the impulse, when sex isn't going well or isn't happening as much as they like, to try to "spice it up" or try something more exciting. But I actually think that a lot of the time, what's more important is to go back to basics and try to make sex something less stressful, less strenuous, and more pleasurable, not necessarily more exciting.

You say that your relationship outside of sex is still good? Are you still getting time to hang out together and enjoy each other's company? If you're still getting a chance to spend time together and it's just hard to make the jump to having sex, what do you think about trying to have some lower key kinds of physical and sexual affection? For example, cuddling together naked, making out, giving each other massages, or other things like that. Sometimes having smaller, simpler kinds of positive experiences together can make it easier to build up into sex when it feels a bit daunting. How does that sound?

[reapergirl]

I didn’t think about that! Thank you Hannah , we spend a-lot of time together as we live together, except for when we’re at work or i’m visiting my mom. We haven’t really been on any dates recently due to financial strain so when we do spend time together it’s mainly us doing separate things while with each other. Which is nice and I do like that but i wish we would spend more actual time interacting together. I agree that taking some time to give a skin to skin massage would help a lot with connection even if it doesn’t lead to anything more intimate

[Ro S]

Hey there reapergirl,

I'm glad to hear what Hannah offered landed well with you! I wanted to jump in here to add that sometimes going back to the "basics" actually allows us to re-connect deeper with our partners and oftentimes can lead to feeling more comfortable with trying out new things. Just the fact that you feel more connected allows you to feel comfortable trying out things you have never tried out before (which can be hard and nerve-wracking). Since in going back to the basics you are building up on trust and emotional intimacy between you and your partner.

Are there things other than going out that you can do as dates? Like going to a park and reading to each other, or cooking a meal together. Dates don't have to look like getting all dressed up and spending money, it can be more comfortable and co-created between you two. As Hannah mentioned, sometimes just feeling more connection between you and your partner can be the catalyst to sex (or new sexual experiences).

Have you tried talking to your partner about some things you two can do together to reconnect?