Scarleteen

I’m 21 and never had sex before, I leaned how to masturbate with my clit since I was 16, but now I want to explore more as I grow and currently I was not in a relationship and haven’t been in a relationship since a long time. I had try to put my finger in my vagina and it does please myself and also a bit hurt. And now I want to buy a toy to feel more like a “sex” and get more pleasure. While I was happy that I don’t need to be in a relationship to explore my body and be brave to explore it myself, but I will often feel uncertain and sometimes guilt of if I should do it, or is it a good way to explore sex, and will this makes my future sex experience not so good or not as expected. I do wanna explore it with a trust partner but now I haven’t meet that person. But would exploring it myself be a good idea? And is it even a normal thing to have the “first time” with yourself? Maybe it’s a culture thing, my culture norms do not have many sex education and people have their first time of sex in a relative older age. So I often feel confused and uncertain

Hi Whale009, welcome to the boards!

I'm glad you've asked this question! Masturbation is a completely optional activity, but we often recommend it because it has many benefits. It will not prevent you from enjoying sex with a partner or make it less good — it could actually make it better. This is because masturbation allows you to learn about your body, to figure out what feels pleasurable and what doesn't feel good. That can be very useful information for a partner to know. Masturbation can also help you become comfortable with your sexuality on your own time, without the pressure of an audience.

So, it is normal to have a first time with yourself. Many people do. Just remember that this will not be the only first you have in your life. There will be many, and you can choose how significant they are. Also, while your first time can be important, it is not the only important thing.

You might be interested to know that many people masturbate even while they have a partner. This doesn't mean they are not happy or satisfied in their relationship. Rather, partnered sex and masturbation are related but different experiences, so it is okay to want both.

Does this make sense?

Hi Latha, Thanks for getting back to me with all the kind words!

After seeing your post I do feel better about having my first time with myself, and I do actually feel glad and fortunate about it. And, I just wanted to double-check, would it be the same if I use a dildo, I am not sure if putting something in my body would help me to explore or would mean anything. I am not sure how I should see this. Do people also use dildos when they are still virgins to explore their bodies? is it a normal thing? But I don't feel brave enough to stand for myself even tho the society in my culture is "against" it.

And it just keeps coming to my mind that what would my partner see this? In my culture, most people, including my family still see virginity as an important thing, and masturbating is something "bad" and "horny." So I'm insecure about whether my partner will also be open to this or mind it, even tho I know my body is mine, and I shouldn't be worried about it if there isn't even anyone yet. But I feel that deep inside, I still have some contradiction between enjoying the pleasure and being fully open to it.

I'm not sure if I expressed it clearly. Anyway, again, thank you for helping out. All your wording and advice make me feel so warm and I really appreciate it!

Hey there Whale009,

I am SO glad that Latha was able to help you and made you feel better about this!

You know, we often say here that “being your own first” is actually a really great thing because it allows you to see, apart from a partner being there, how *you* feel about any sort of touch or activity. It’s the same for dildos, too! Many, many people experiment with dildos before having partnered sex; it can help you understand what size feels better, what depth feels good, what intensity or rhythm feels good; etc. etc. On the other hand, it can also help you understand your sexual boundaries: if you experiment with a dildo and it hurts in a certain place, that’s a great thing to know to tell a partner. Know what I mean?

I hear you that the idea of virginity is important in your culture; One way to start talking about this is to see how you feel about virginity apart from the messages you get in your community: Is virginity important to you? It may be helpful to think about, as well, what aspects of your culture you value *more* than the concept of virginity, and focus on those aspects as a way to be connected with your culture. Does that sound like something you’d like to do?

A note on dildo sizing: you may find that, if it hurts to insert a finger, a dildo might be painful or not possible to insert — in this case, continuing to experiment with inserting one finger at a time may be helpful, or considering dilators, which train the vaginal canal to accommodate more insertion.

For what it’s worth, masturbation is something you can do alone, and I don’t think you absolutely need to tell your partner unless you want to. Especially if you’re not sexually active with your partner, I tend to believe that it’s not really their business. But I do have a question: what would it look like if you did tell him, or open up a conversation about sex with him; is that something you want to do and/or feel you can do?