Was I sexually assaulted?

[BIVnilat]

I was making out with my (now ex) boyfriend in his house on his bed. Suddenly he was fully undressed and reaching for a condom. I had let him rub his penis over my clitoris before, so I let him do it again. he didn't ask but it kinda felt like a given, you know? Anyways I tried to push his penis away after a second because I was still wearing all my clothes on top and my shorts were still on my leg and I wanted to get the shorts off and be more comfortable, but he took that as an invitation to enter inside me, which I had previously clearly expressed I didn't want to do. I put my hand on his chest and tried to push him but he just kept going. I didn't know what to do, I felt like I had rocks in my throat and couldn't make words, and I just closed my eyes and waited for it to be over while he said "I love you, you know I love you"

when he finished we had sex again 2 more times that day, after told him I didn't want to, but he only finished the second time, not the third. I went home feeling guilty, sad, and alone because I believed that my parents would call me stupid for letting this happen. After I dumping him 2 months later I still do not know what really happened. I don't know if I overreacted or if im valid in my feelings. I can't talk to anyone in my family because im scared of their judgement. Every time I see his name I panic, and its generally very hard for me to cope with everyday life and relationships because of it.

[KierC]

Hi there BIVnilat, and welcome to the boards <3

I am so sorry that the person you trusted turned out to behave so horribly. No form of touching should ever be done to you without your enthusiastic and ongoing consent. The situation you’re describing does meet the definition of sexual assault, because you experienced unwanted sexual touch; it sounds like he didn’t ask for consent when initiating activity, which is mandatory; and then your nonconsent was completely ignored multiple times. But whether or not you want to call it sexual assault is up to your comfort and if you feel it’s accurate to your feelings and experiences.

If it helps at all, too, you are not overreacting and you didn’t “let this happen” — this was done to you by someone who chose to do it, and you did what you could to survive. Many survivors experience a “freeze” during an assault, it’s a natural response to extreme danger, and that doesn’t mean you let it happen. You were surviving. It’s okay if you don’t want to tell someone you feel would judge you; it’s a good practice to identify who in your life will respect you, believe you, support you, and stand up with you. This is your experience to share, and should be done in spaces and with people you know will believe you. With that in mind, can you think of someone in your life, perhaps a different trusted adult like a teacher, school counselor, or nurse, about what happened? I would certainly reach out to friends for support as well if you want to; calling in your community in times like this is going to help you feel less alone and more empowered.

I am so sorry to hear that this has been causing panic, especially when you see his name. Is there any form of support you can think of that might help you right now? Too, do you have to see him at school, or in class? If so, we can definitely talk to you more about options you may have to limit interactions with him going forward, if that is something you feel would help. We’ll take this at whatever pace you’d like.

I’m going to pause there for now. How do you feel about all of this so far? We’re here for you and for however you want to process this. <3