Trouble talking with my mom about sex/Sharing my negative sex experience

[onebitransguy]

I’m a 17 (gonna be 18 in four months) year old bi trans man. My mom isn’t a super strait-laced parent and has been supporting my transition for most of the past 4 years. I can talk to her about almost anything. But there is one thing that I’ve never been able to talk to her about, and that’s sex. The only “talk” we’ve ever had was her giving me a book when I was in 4th grade that explained what periods were and that my boobs would grow, but that’s all it covered. I learned what it was through the seeing jokes on the internet and piecing it together myself. I live in the south, so I didn’t get any sex ed. I didn’t even really get the abstinence lessons either.

My mom and I have discussed sex only regarding characters in a tv show or movie, and the only time it was regarding me was in 8th grade. I was about to go have a sleepover with my friend (who I did have a crush on at the time, tho I knew she probably didn’t like me back so I didn’t do anything about it), and my mom said “Don’t do anything while you’re there” and I didn’t realize she was being 100% serious so I made a joke about her not having to worry about me getting pregnant, but when she heard me say that, she raised her voice and said “I’m serious! I don’t want you doing anything!” or something like that.

My junior year I started going to an art boarding school, and before I had never met any other out queer people. I knew a few closeted gay guys and nonbinary folks, but they weren’t out to the school. I was outed in 5th grade so I was ostracized quite a bit, but the closeted folks found me and I had a good circle of friends. But anyways, last year I dated someone for about two months. They were the first person that I knew that ever liked me back and it was really exciting.

When I first told my mom that I was in a relationship, she asked “What have y’all done?” which she later (long after the relationship ended) clarified that it was supposed to be in a lighthearted tone, but I misinterpreted it as her being judgmental and suspicious. So, during that whole relationship (and honestly still even now) I didn’t tell her about anything that was going on between me and my ex-partner, even the problems we were having and the bad experiences I went through. I had sex with them twice, but both times were very negative experiences. I’ve never gotten to talk honestly about it with anybody.

The first time was my first time having sex. I had told them the night before that I wanted to, but since it was late we decided it was better if they came to my dorm the next morning. I was really nervous and I have trouble getting the words out when telling partners what I want from the other person, and they were nervous because they had been sexually assaulted multiple times in the past. When they asked me what way I wanted them to touch me, I told them orally because I didn’t like the idea of someone touching me with their hands, I felt dysphoric from the thought of it. They started gently and it felt pretty good, but every time they touched the inside of my vulva and especially my clitoris, I felt sharp, stabbing pain that made me flinch. I told them to be more gentle and just move their tongue on the outside, but they didn’t really do that. I did stutter and hesitate when I told them, but if they saw me flinching and getting too flustered to speak clearly, then they should’ve stopped completely and waited until I was okay to speak. They kept going, and it was pretty good feeling but occasional stabbing pains that I kinda just grit my teeth and flinched through. I had repeated to be more gentle and tried to give them instructions but they didn’t really follow them. So I just sat through the pain and tried to enjoy it because I felt like I’m probably just being overdramatic about it and since I haven’t read or seen anyone talk about sex being painful for them in regards to non-penetrative sex, it was just part of it or that I was just weird. Slowly I kind of got used to the pain. It went on for 3 hours (I do normally take 40 minutes or more to orgasm on my own, so even after a while I thought it was just me), until we decided to stop because I still hadn’t orgasmed yet and I didn’t feel close at all. I had kind of enjoyed it, so I brushed aside the negatives and put them at the back of my mind. I later had sex with them again, but this time they used their hand and it wasn’t as painful and I enjoyed most of it, though they did occasionally touch my clit but they listened better when I told them to stop. But still since then, I haven’t really liked the idea of actually having sex again. Last summer, I started feeling a lot more bottom dysphoria, so I started packing regularly. I also learned that I want to try topping in the future, since it would give me a lot of gender euphoria and I wouldn’t have to have my genitals touched by the other person, which I don’t think I want to have happen again if it’s as painful as the past times.

I wish I could talk to my mom about these experiences, but I don’t know how to start the conversation. Also, I’m frustrated that I’m the one who has to start the conversation even though she’s the parent. I hate that she’s made me feel like having sex is some immoral thing that I have to hide.

[KierC]

Hey there Onebitransguy, and welcome to the boards

I’m glad to hear your mom has been supportive of your transition, but I’m sorry that you’ve been finding it difficult to talk about sex with your mom. Something I want to mention first is that there is an important distinction here when it comes to acceptance vs. support. It sounds like you’re noticing that your mom has her own opinions about what she wants you to do or not be doing with sex, and may not think so favorably about the fact that you’re exploring sex. It’s okay to disagree on this; after all, your mom is going to have her opinions about youth and sexuality, and may indeed have some big feelings about you growing up and exploring sex; but it does sound like she is demonstrating support for your identity. I know that may feel really crappy sometimes, but it sounds like she is ultimately supportive of your development, like how she clarified that her question was meant to be light-hearted — that is really important! It also sounds like she is interested in you having some form of sexual education, from the book she gave you and talking to you about sex in films and TV shows. Watching everyday shows together can actually be a really good way to bridge any gaps in communication and start discussing sex and sexuality. All this to say, I suspect if you end up talking to your mom about sex, it wouldn’t be an awful thing and may actually be a useful conversation.

It sounds like the way your mom asks you about what you’ve done and said she doesn’t want you doing anything makes you feel like she is judging you makes you feel like you can’t talk to her about sex. I think that’s an important feeling for you to notice. I also hear you that it’s frustrating that she’s the parent and yet you feel like you have to start the conversation. How would you feel about sending her resources to come back and start a conversation with you? We do have a whole section of this site for parents, if that sounds like something she maybe be open to reading through I’d be happy to send that along.

In the meantime though, I want to share this article with you: About “That Talk” With Your Parents. It talks a lot about what to do when your parents don’t talk about sex. If you’d like to read that and have any questions, we’d be so happy to talk with you about it. There’s this article, too, that gives a more specific look at parents’ views on dating, how to resolve conflict and manage disagreements about sex and dating: When Worlds Collide: Dating And Dealing With Parents.

I also want to respond to the sexual experience you described: I am so sorry to hear that things went down this way, that you experienced such pain and your partner didn’t listen to you. I’m glad that they listened more to you next time, but I hope you know it’s not okay for someone to disregard or not listen to you when you communicate during sex, especially when you’re telling them to stop. It is actually really common to feel sharp pain when the clitoris is stimulated directly: there are SO SO many nerve endings there, and while some folks find it pleasurable when it’s touched directly, *plenty* of folks find that directly touching the clitoris is intensely sharp and painful. You’re not being over dramatic.

Exploring sex again after a bad experience can feel daunting, but know that you can take as much time to get back into it as you need. If you’re experiencing bottom dysphoria, too, I agree that topping sounds like a great idea if it makes you feel good! It can certainly help to not involve the parts that cause the most dysphoria.

To circle back about your mom, do you want to talk to her about the negative experience you had, or sex in general, or both? We can help talk through some ways to start a conversation about this, too, if that would be helpful.