Trouble talking with my mom about sex/Sharing my negative sex experience
Posted: Sat Nov 02, 2024 12:46 pm
I’m a 17 (gonna be 18 in four months) year old bi trans man. My mom isn’t a super strait-laced parent and has been supporting my transition for most of the past 4 years. I can talk to her about almost anything. But there is one thing that I’ve never been able to talk to her about, and that’s sex. The only “talk” we’ve ever had was her giving me a book when I was in 4th grade that explained what periods were and that my boobs would grow, but that’s all it covered. I learned what it was through the seeing jokes on the internet and piecing it together myself. I live in the south, so I didn’t get any sex ed. I didn’t even really get the abstinence lessons either.
My mom and I have discussed sex only regarding characters in a tv show or movie, and the only time it was regarding me was in 8th grade. I was about to go have a sleepover with my friend (who I did have a crush on at the time, tho I knew she probably didn’t like me back so I didn’t do anything about it), and my mom said “Don’t do anything while you’re there” and I didn’t realize she was being 100% serious so I made a joke about her not having to worry about me getting pregnant, but when she heard me say that, she raised her voice and said “I’m serious! I don’t want you doing anything!” or something like that.
My junior year I started going to an art boarding school, and before I had never met any other out queer people. I knew a few closeted gay guys and nonbinary folks, but they weren’t out to the school. I was outed in 5th grade so I was ostracized quite a bit, but the closeted folks found me and I had a good circle of friends. But anyways, last year I dated someone for about two months. They were the first person that I knew that ever liked me back and it was really exciting.
When I first told my mom that I was in a relationship, she asked “What have y’all done?” which she later (long after the relationship ended) clarified that it was supposed to be in a lighthearted tone, but I misinterpreted it as her being judgmental and suspicious. So, during that whole relationship (and honestly still even now) I didn’t tell her about anything that was going on between me and my ex-partner, even the problems we were having and the bad experiences I went through. I had sex with them twice, but both times were very negative experiences. I’ve never gotten to talk honestly about it with anybody.
The first time was my first time having sex. I had told them the night before that I wanted to, but since it was late we decided it was better if they came to my dorm the next morning. I was really nervous and I have trouble getting the words out when telling partners what I want from the other person, and they were nervous because they had been sexually assaulted multiple times in the past. When they asked me what way I wanted them to touch me, I told them orally because I didn’t like the idea of someone touching me with their hands, I felt dysphoric from the thought of it. They started gently and it felt pretty good, but every time they touched the inside of my vulva and especially my clitoris, I felt sharp, stabbing pain that made me flinch. I told them to be more gentle and just move their tongue on the outside, but they didn’t really do that. I did stutter and hesitate when I told them, but if they saw me flinching and getting too flustered to speak clearly, then they should’ve stopped completely and waited until I was okay to speak. They kept going, and it was pretty good feeling but occasional stabbing pains that I kinda just grit my teeth and flinched through. I had repeated to be more gentle and tried to give them instructions but they didn’t really follow them. So I just sat through the pain and tried to enjoy it because I felt like I’m probably just being overdramatic about it and since I haven’t read or seen anyone talk about sex being painful for them in regards to non-penetrative sex, it was just part of it or that I was just weird. Slowly I kind of got used to the pain. It went on for 3 hours (I do normally take 40 minutes or more to orgasm on my own, so even after a while I thought it was just me), until we decided to stop because I still hadn’t orgasmed yet and I didn’t feel close at all. I had kind of enjoyed it, so I brushed aside the negatives and put them at the back of my mind. I later had sex with them again, but this time they used their hand and it wasn’t as painful and I enjoyed most of it, though they did occasionally touch my clit but they listened better when I told them to stop. But still since then, I haven’t really liked the idea of actually having sex again. Last summer, I started feeling a lot more bottom dysphoria, so I started packing regularly. I also learned that I want to try topping in the future, since it would give me a lot of gender euphoria and I wouldn’t have to have my genitals touched by the other person, which I don’t think I want to have happen again if it’s as painful as the past times.
I wish I could talk to my mom about these experiences, but I don’t know how to start the conversation. Also, I’m frustrated that I’m the one who has to start the conversation even though she’s the parent. I hate that she’s made me feel like having sex is some immoral thing that I have to hide.
My mom and I have discussed sex only regarding characters in a tv show or movie, and the only time it was regarding me was in 8th grade. I was about to go have a sleepover with my friend (who I did have a crush on at the time, tho I knew she probably didn’t like me back so I didn’t do anything about it), and my mom said “Don’t do anything while you’re there” and I didn’t realize she was being 100% serious so I made a joke about her not having to worry about me getting pregnant, but when she heard me say that, she raised her voice and said “I’m serious! I don’t want you doing anything!” or something like that.
My junior year I started going to an art boarding school, and before I had never met any other out queer people. I knew a few closeted gay guys and nonbinary folks, but they weren’t out to the school. I was outed in 5th grade so I was ostracized quite a bit, but the closeted folks found me and I had a good circle of friends. But anyways, last year I dated someone for about two months. They were the first person that I knew that ever liked me back and it was really exciting.
When I first told my mom that I was in a relationship, she asked “What have y’all done?” which she later (long after the relationship ended) clarified that it was supposed to be in a lighthearted tone, but I misinterpreted it as her being judgmental and suspicious. So, during that whole relationship (and honestly still even now) I didn’t tell her about anything that was going on between me and my ex-partner, even the problems we were having and the bad experiences I went through. I had sex with them twice, but both times were very negative experiences. I’ve never gotten to talk honestly about it with anybody.
The first time was my first time having sex. I had told them the night before that I wanted to, but since it was late we decided it was better if they came to my dorm the next morning. I was really nervous and I have trouble getting the words out when telling partners what I want from the other person, and they were nervous because they had been sexually assaulted multiple times in the past. When they asked me what way I wanted them to touch me, I told them orally because I didn’t like the idea of someone touching me with their hands, I felt dysphoric from the thought of it. They started gently and it felt pretty good, but every time they touched the inside of my vulva and especially my clitoris, I felt sharp, stabbing pain that made me flinch. I told them to be more gentle and just move their tongue on the outside, but they didn’t really do that. I did stutter and hesitate when I told them, but if they saw me flinching and getting too flustered to speak clearly, then they should’ve stopped completely and waited until I was okay to speak. They kept going, and it was pretty good feeling but occasional stabbing pains that I kinda just grit my teeth and flinched through. I had repeated to be more gentle and tried to give them instructions but they didn’t really follow them. So I just sat through the pain and tried to enjoy it because I felt like I’m probably just being overdramatic about it and since I haven’t read or seen anyone talk about sex being painful for them in regards to non-penetrative sex, it was just part of it or that I was just weird. Slowly I kind of got used to the pain. It went on for 3 hours (I do normally take 40 minutes or more to orgasm on my own, so even after a while I thought it was just me), until we decided to stop because I still hadn’t orgasmed yet and I didn’t feel close at all. I had kind of enjoyed it, so I brushed aside the negatives and put them at the back of my mind. I later had sex with them again, but this time they used their hand and it wasn’t as painful and I enjoyed most of it, though they did occasionally touch my clit but they listened better when I told them to stop. But still since then, I haven’t really liked the idea of actually having sex again. Last summer, I started feeling a lot more bottom dysphoria, so I started packing regularly. I also learned that I want to try topping in the future, since it would give me a lot of gender euphoria and I wouldn’t have to have my genitals touched by the other person, which I don’t think I want to have happen again if it’s as painful as the past times.
I wish I could talk to my mom about these experiences, but I don’t know how to start the conversation. Also, I’m frustrated that I’m the one who has to start the conversation even though she’s the parent. I hate that she’s made me feel like having sex is some immoral thing that I have to hide.