Uncomfortable with the Material Arousing Me
Posted: Sun Nov 03, 2024 6:15 pm
First thing I wanna write, I'm not watching porn with real life human actors or anything, it's entirely written erotica whether through a character ai bot, fanfic online, or literotica stories. So there isn't that labor rights issue that I'm comfortable with, it doesn't exist here.
It's more like...reverse misogyny (like through omegaverse or feminization) control, and humiliation really arouses me, but there's also another part of my brain that straight up hates/is really uncomfortable with reading the weird misogyny and bioessentialism present. It also doesn't help that I'm asexual and aromantic, and growing up, I was always so uncomfortable with the amanormative stuff I saw in fiction and in real life (Oh, there's no way they're JUST friends, or Boys think about only thing, or I want something MORE). Basically anything that implies there's some bioessentialist quality to love/romance/pairing, and that a specific gender has a specific trait because of their wiring, well, it triggers me (like an alpha being protective over an omega, hahaha. it distresses me because it reminds me of my teacher saying Without a man, the family has no wall! Life is so much harder). But I'm also really into feminization, humiliation, and the control aspects which reliably arouse me, and I can usually find those in omegaverse stories.
I guess, my main question is--should I search for other material to read? when I look at my favorite stories, it's stuff that shows this isn't okay, and the people are separate fleshed out minds beyond their genders. but even then I sometimes get uncomfy reading the level of distress these characters are showing at times. It is still fundamentally some pretty dark content that's often labelled erotic horror. but at the same time, its what arouses me especially since my current vibrator doesn't bring me much pleasure through the sensation alone...(Its a rose vibrator and I dislike it since you have to hold it in one place. Planning on getting a discreet bullet vibe somehow, but I probably won't since I'm living with conservative parents). I also think masturbation is becoming a compulsive behavior because I'm depressed and its like a physical stim. maybe I should take a break from masturbation for a while? It could be the sheer quantity of darker themed erotica I'm reading, and how I'm masturbating too much, that makes me feel really bad. i have a therapist but its only six sessions in, and I dont feel comfortable talking to her about these issues. I really hate my depression, I think I'm avoiding my problems...going to go to a psychiatrist about antidepressants tomorrow.
It's more like...reverse misogyny (like through omegaverse or feminization) control, and humiliation really arouses me, but there's also another part of my brain that straight up hates/is really uncomfortable with reading the weird misogyny and bioessentialism present. It also doesn't help that I'm asexual and aromantic, and growing up, I was always so uncomfortable with the amanormative stuff I saw in fiction and in real life (Oh, there's no way they're JUST friends, or Boys think about only thing, or I want something MORE). Basically anything that implies there's some bioessentialist quality to love/romance/pairing, and that a specific gender has a specific trait because of their wiring, well, it triggers me (like an alpha being protective over an omega, hahaha. it distresses me because it reminds me of my teacher saying Without a man, the family has no wall! Life is so much harder). But I'm also really into feminization, humiliation, and the control aspects which reliably arouse me, and I can usually find those in omegaverse stories.
I guess, my main question is--should I search for other material to read? when I look at my favorite stories, it's stuff that shows this isn't okay, and the people are separate fleshed out minds beyond their genders. but even then I sometimes get uncomfy reading the level of distress these characters are showing at times. It is still fundamentally some pretty dark content that's often labelled erotic horror. but at the same time, its what arouses me especially since my current vibrator doesn't bring me much pleasure through the sensation alone...(Its a rose vibrator and I dislike it since you have to hold it in one place. Planning on getting a discreet bullet vibe somehow, but I probably won't since I'm living with conservative parents). I also think masturbation is becoming a compulsive behavior because I'm depressed and its like a physical stim. maybe I should take a break from masturbation for a while? It could be the sheer quantity of darker themed erotica I'm reading, and how I'm masturbating too much, that makes me feel really bad. i have a therapist but its only six sessions in, and I dont feel comfortable talking to her about these issues. I really hate my depression, I think I'm avoiding my problems...going to go to a psychiatrist about antidepressants tomorrow.