i wanna feel better [TW: hypersexuality, SA, familial 'relations']
Posted: Wed Nov 06, 2024 5:57 am
so uh... hi
I go by Hikaru here.
I'm a transmasc teen [he/they] and i really dunno how i came to be this way actually, and i wanna be better.
Oh yeah I have ADHDtism too if that changes any inputs people might have
When i was like 5-6 years old i used to go to & from school via this unofficial bus service [common where im from] and so there was a driver and then his assistant. the assistant was the nice guy of the two cause the other was just mean for no reason iirc. so one day i came early and the assistant [let's call him L] convinces me to put my left hand into his pants. i only remember it being squishy. nothing else.
This might be a little related but i had a thing for being tied up as a kid. like, if me and my friends were playing a game, i was the one who got tied up [i liked it??? fuck if i know why] i remember also tying my grandma's wrists [flimsily] with ribbon
So it should be no surprise that i starting fantasizing about sex, too, at like age 10 onwards...
I came to the conclusion that I was hypersexual after finding the term and seeing that my experience was a little congruent to its signs
I am a virgin though. Like. I freak out when I actually have to change in front of like my family, but that might just be the social dysphoria at play.
NOW, at age 16, it's taken the form of watching SA/inc*st porn....
Disgusting? Yeah.
I think SA is detestable, and i don't even like my relatives like that. ew. so WHY?? is it the taboo aspect?? why do i only get remotely turned on by porn like that???? it's disgusting as FUCK. A funny thing to compare to this is how i, in real life, have no idea how to handle intimacy from others and get very nervous when it happens.
Also, I feel like i unnecessarily lewd up situations by making funky jokes and i get weird compulsive urges to kiss whoever im talking to... eurghh.
i don't wanna be this type of person. I have a girlfriend now, and she's the sweetest, but she barely knows the half of it, and i wanna be better for her at least
My questions are:
1. How did I get here?
2. How do I stop/recover?
3. Any tips for not relapsing?
I go by Hikaru here.
I'm a transmasc teen [he/they] and i really dunno how i came to be this way actually, and i wanna be better.
Oh yeah I have ADHDtism too if that changes any inputs people might have
When i was like 5-6 years old i used to go to & from school via this unofficial bus service [common where im from] and so there was a driver and then his assistant. the assistant was the nice guy of the two cause the other was just mean for no reason iirc. so one day i came early and the assistant [let's call him L] convinces me to put my left hand into his pants. i only remember it being squishy. nothing else.
This might be a little related but i had a thing for being tied up as a kid. like, if me and my friends were playing a game, i was the one who got tied up [i liked it??? fuck if i know why] i remember also tying my grandma's wrists [flimsily] with ribbon
So it should be no surprise that i starting fantasizing about sex, too, at like age 10 onwards...
I came to the conclusion that I was hypersexual after finding the term and seeing that my experience was a little congruent to its signs
I am a virgin though. Like. I freak out when I actually have to change in front of like my family, but that might just be the social dysphoria at play.
NOW, at age 16, it's taken the form of watching SA/inc*st porn....
Disgusting? Yeah.
I think SA is detestable, and i don't even like my relatives like that. ew. so WHY?? is it the taboo aspect?? why do i only get remotely turned on by porn like that???? it's disgusting as FUCK. A funny thing to compare to this is how i, in real life, have no idea how to handle intimacy from others and get very nervous when it happens.
Also, I feel like i unnecessarily lewd up situations by making funky jokes and i get weird compulsive urges to kiss whoever im talking to... eurghh.
i don't wanna be this type of person. I have a girlfriend now, and she's the sweetest, but she barely knows the half of it, and i wanna be better for her at least
My questions are:
1. How did I get here?
2. How do I stop/recover?
3. Any tips for not relapsing?