first time questions and concerns

[nymphcalypso]

i am going to meet my long distance boyfriend in real life in about a month. we obviously want to have sex (both of our first times) but are both pretty terrified of pregnancy. it's to the point where he wants to get a vasectomy, but i don't know if he'll be able to find a doctor that will carry out the procedure given his age. we will use a condom and withdrawal as contraception, and i'll try to time it between days 17-28 of my cycle but i don't know if that'll work out. i know that with all these measures, it's very unlikely for me to get pregnant, but that doesn't stop the anxiety about it, or about the whole first time thing in general.

we would use a male condom - i know to check and make sure they aren't expired, make sure it's rolled on the correct way the first time, to squeeze the air out of the tip so it doesn't tear, to roll it all the way down, and to hold it at the base when withdrawing so it doesn't come off. is there anything else that should be ensured for proper use?

i haven't discussed this part with my boyfriend before, but i know it significantly diminishes the likelihood of conception if he withdraws before he comes in addition to using a condom. he's just as adamant about safety as me, so i know he will want to do this, but how possible is this in execution? obviously i know men do it, but is it difficult to pull out in time, especially if it's their first?

i have also considered oral contraceptive pills. i have taken daily medication before, and i think that if i set an alarm to take it the same time every day, i'll be able to do that. but i'm pretty freaked out by all the possible side effects, and i really just don't know how to propose this to my mom. i've always had heavy, often pretty painful periods, and i'm pretty sure i've mentioned to her that it might be a good idea for that reason before. but now that i'm around a month from meeting my boyfriend, she'll obviously know my real motive if i ask now. i don't know if she's okay with me having sex, but i feel like she acknowledges that i'm nearly an adult and that it's obviously on my mind. i know i should probably be transparent about all this with her, but the idea of it is honestly nauseating. she's an awesome mom but i'm just not the kind of person who can easily talk about stuff like this with their parents.

also, is it really necessary for me to start going to a gynecologist after this if i know for a fact he does not have stds and am going to these lengths to not get pregnant? genuine question. i kind of want to so i can get comfortable with it before i'm 21 and have to get a pap smear (horrifying) but i don't wanna waste money and time on it.

honestly any advice about the logistics of first times would be appreciated. most of my friends have already done it, but it still scares me. i know this is a lot but i'm really nervous about the whole deal, especially the whole birth control thing. thank you for reading

[Jacob]

Your method sounds like it has all the parts of best condom usage except that I'd add lube to the equation. When condoms fail it's through breakage, or coming off without realizing, and those two are most likely to be related to dryness or snagging. Lube helps with reducing the possibility of each.

Also it's super great to get into the habit of seeking STI tests even when your risk is relatively low - firstly we never know 100% everything about our partner's pasts, and secondly there is a non-zero chance that some STIs pass through non-sexual activity, and third it's just good practice for you and your partner.

With your mom, I totally get it! The less I could talk to my parents about sex, even know, the better!

I'd maybe look at a broader range of what's available and research how you would you would get each method of contraception without parental consent, and perhaps at the same time try breaching the subject of sex with your Mom more generally to test the waters. If it helps you could also use the pretext that you want to feel prepared for a thing and you also want to have good communication with her about these things.

With the first part, have you seen our Birth Control Bingo series? That might be a great place for you to start!

[nymphcalypso]

Your method sounds like it has all the parts of best condom usage except that I'd add lube to the equation. When condoms fail it's through breakage, or coming off without realizing, and those two are most likely to be related to dryness or snagging. Lube helps with reducing the possibility of each.

Also it's super great to get into the habit of seeking STI tests even when your risk is relatively low - firstly we never know 100% everything about our partner's pasts, and secondly there is a non-zero chance that some STIs pass through non-sexual activity, and third it's just good practice for you and your partner.

With your mom, I totally get it! The less I could talk to my parents about sex, even now, the better!

I'd maybe look at a broader range of what's available and research how you would you would get each method of contraception without parental consent, and perhaps at the same time try breaching the subject of sex with your Mom more generally to test the waters. If it helps you could also use the pretext that you want to feel prepared for a thing and you also want to have good communication with her about these things.

With the first part, have you seen our Birth Control Bingo series? That might be a great place for you to start!

thank you for the response. i'll definitely make sure we have lube. testing is also a good idea, especially considering the possibility of contracting an STI by non-sexual means. it doesn't hurt to check. i think he'll probably be confused at first if i propose it, but i know he will understand.

i'm not super sure how to bring up sex with my mom. i'm a little scared that she would get worried and actively prevent my boyfriend and i from having sex in the first place. that's probably illogical though. i know she knows that it's going to happen whether she likes it or not lol. i think she's maybe going to ask about it once we get closer to he and i meeting so maybe that'll help start up that conversation and make it a little less mortifying. i still don't really want to talk about it with her, but i think that i should.

i did the birth control bingo (thank you for the recommendation) and ended up with condoms. i think they are the best option for me currently. in the future, i might be more open to trying a hormonal method like the pill, especially when i become more consistently sexually active. right now, i would not be able to get them without my parents knowing because i don't have my own car/means of transportation independent from them to pick them up. the ideal option would be my boyfriend getting a vasectomy but i know that's not very plausible as of right now.

your response helped clear quite a few things up for me. i appreciate it a lot, thank you

[HannahP]

Hi Nymphcalypso!

I'm glad Jacob's response was helpful for you! I just wanted to follow up with a couple of articles we have on some of the topics you were discussing, in case you'd like to read more:

We have this article which has some ideas for how you can bring up sex, and birth control specifically, to your parents:
About That "Talk" with Your Parents...

It sounds like your condom knowledge is pretty solid, but just in case you want any more information, this article has a lot of tips: Condom Basics: A User's Manual

If you have any questions about these articles or just want to talk through things more, don't hesitate to ask! We are always happy to help.