Scarleteen

so i have pcos. i haven't been like completely officially diagnosed, but i and my doctor agree that it's probably the case - the blood test results he took match up with it, and i have oligomenorrhea (infrequent periods - i had a 114 day cycle not long ago), as well as facial hair.

he put me on birth control to try and regulate my cycle. that was about two months ago now, and the first period i had on it was genuinely the worst, most painful period i've had in my life. i was out of commission for the whole week. i basically could only lie down and take painkillers. it was awful. we went to the doctor again about it and he prescribed me some powerful painkillers in case it happens again and says that if it does we'll change the length of the pill i'll be taking, so that my periods won't be as frequent as once a month.

i don't mind some aspects of pcos. in fact i really enjoy the facial hair. it's slowly been growing and getting more noticable; i have light sideburns, a light moustache and some hair under my chin. as a trans guy it makes me really happy. i've also been getting more body hair in general and i like it.

but the rest of it is just awful. i'm nearly always fatigued. i get really intense sugar cravings, i eat too much and have trouble exercising because of the aforementioned fatigue - i even have a family history of diabetes which means i almost certainly will get it too, since i have pcos, and that sucks because i genuinely cannot imagine giving up sugar. i already mentioned the awful period, and i'm so scared it's going to happen again, i'm on the four placebo pills at the end of the pack and i'm going to get my period in the next few days, probably tomorrow. i might not be able to have biological children which, like, that's fine i can adopt or something but not having the option feels kind of awful. i get absolutely awful mood swings. i just hate it so much.

i keep ending up lying in bed on my phone all day and i hate that because i don't want to be doing that, i want to do stuff, i want to do my schoolwork and creative projects, but i don't know i'm just so fucking tired. all the time.

one time recently ish i got really self conscious about my boobs because they're huge (38G) and my mom doesn't want me to get a binder because she wants me to love my body and not change it and she thinks the best way to do that is to learn to live with it. and so we went to this bra shop to try and get something to make them a bit smaller at least and it was this horrible push up bra and i think i felt like genuine dysphoria for the first time and it was awful. and i kind of had a breakdown about it and then that was a mood swing but i have those feelings and now i dont think my mom is going to take them seriously because she thinks it's mood swings. idk. idk it all just sucks so bad and i wish my body was different.

i dont really have a question i'm just looking for. maybe some advice on eating healthier. maybe just some support. i dont know. thanks for reading anyway

Hi oliver-kittycat,
I am really sorry that you've been dealing with this! chronic pain/illness like PCOS is especially tough because our society doesn't really accommodate (or even acknowledge) the pain and debilitation that comes with it. I hope we can find some ways for you to continue a fulfilling life with this condition. It will take time to figure out what works best for you, so let's get started.

We can certainly explore some healthier eating options for you. Can you share a bit more about your current eating habits;
- How many times a day do you eat? What portion of that is full meals vs. snacks?
- When you're craving sugar, what do you reach for to satisfy that desire?
- Where does your food come from (home-cooked, restaurant, packaged goods)?

Healthy eating habits look different for everyone, so it is helpful to assess your current lifestyle and see what changes feel accessible to start with. A few general tips I find helpful:
1) Simplicity is your friend - Especially with regards to sweets, there's a wide range of options available, and some are healthier than others. Look for items with fewer ingredients, especially fewer artificial additives. If there is a market of local food vendors, that may be a good place to pick up some higher quality sweets. Fruit is also a good source of sugar, but may not always be as satisfying as a good quality chocolate.
2) Portion control goes a long way! Whether eating a full meal or snacking, serve your desired amount of food out onto a separate dish and put the rest away. This will naturally limit the tendency to keep reaching for more, even after we're full. Remember, you can always get more if you like. This is just introducing some intention into how much you consume.

As far as your body, I see from your previous posts that your parents eventually decided to start respecting your chosen name and pronouns. It seems like that hasn't extended to respecting how you feel about your body, which is unfortunate. I will say, I think using a binder falls under the "learning to live with your body" category. Do you think your mother will hear that line of reasoning?

hi aarija!! thanks so much for your thoughtful reply

about the eating habits:
- Usually I eat three meals a day with occasional snacks. Honestly, I think most days I wouldn't really have snacks? Some days i *really* want snacks though.
- I usually try to go for fruit, like oranges or apples, if i'm getting cravings. a lot of the time though if i'm in a shop or something and I'm looking for a snack the first thing I go for is chewy sweets or something like that
- for breakfast i generally have a bowl or two of, like, cornflakes or something, for lunch i usually have instant noodles or filled gnocchi if i can get them, and then dinner is almost always homemade - me and my family take turns cooking and i cook a lot. dinner is usually the least carb-heavy meal because it can be hard for me to find protein/veggies that i enjoy and are easy to make.
it'd be nice to have some homemade, pre-made and portioned breakfasts or lunches, but the thing is meal prep is a lot of work and I often don't have that kind of energy or time

1) yeah, I do my best to eat fruit rather than sweets when I can, but when I do eat sweets they're generally like... Starbursts or something. and I do eat like. The Whole Bag. it isn't great. you may be right about trying to get some local/high quality sweets especially as i'll be less inclined to eat them quickly.
2) portion control is a big issue for me definitely. if something comes in a packet i often tend to just cook the whole packet and eat that amount. I do often feel like I need to eat that much to be full, but i'm not sure how much of that is actual hunger and how much is wanting to like, finish the packet

yeah, nothing has really come of that yet, unfortunately. i still haven't found a good time to talk about it. it definitely hasn't extended to that.
unfortunately i'm pretty sure she thinks it'll damage me somehow. to be fair, she's not wrong in that binders used incorrectly can be dangerous. but i think her main worry is something about me making some kind of permanent change and later, having realized i'm not trans, regretting it. the main thing is that my parents really don't think i'm trans and are i guess just trying to wait it out.
i don't know. honestly, in two years i'll be 18 and I know that after that point they may be unhappy but they won't do anything to stop me transitioning. it's not that long to wait. i just wish that my chest was smaller at least because it's really hard to hide.
anyway unfortunately i don't think she will ever be enthusiastic about getting a binder for me. a friend of mine online has offered to ship me his old one, but i think she'd be less okay with that - she already kind of thinks i've convinced myself i'm trans because of the internet. she told me once that "if you're a boy, then boys can have big boobs", which is true and is a nice thought but most of the world doesn't see it that way. and even if i was a girl i think i'd be self-conscious about my chest. i don;t know. it just kind of sucks

Hi oliver-kittycat, it sounds like you know which foods work for your body and which don't, and you're trying to stick to the better ones. That's all you can do and I hope you don't feel guilty for it not always being perfect!
Regarding the binder, truly if worn correctly, like you said, it's not harmful...I wonder if you sent her more info on them, she would maybe reconsider? The following piece has a lot of helpful info that might be able to ease her worry that you'd have permanent damage from it: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/identit ... ssion-gear

Do you think another conversation with her about it is something you wanna try?

hi Sofi!
yeah, i try my best. it's just hard, and I know that I *could* do more, but... again... fatigue makes it harder

honestly i get the impression that she's not going to budge. i guess i could try, but i think it would honestly just stress both of us out, and not lead anywhere. she's very firm that she doesn't want me to get one. i wish i could convince her, but it's hard enough to get them to think i'm trans at all. my dad recently referred to me, my mom, and my granny going out for dinner as a "girl's night"

Ugh, I'm so sorry. That's really awful. I guess the silver lining is, like you said, it's only 2 more years and then you will have more independence - something to look forward to!

thanks Sofi, it DOES suck. But honestly yeah I’m not doing awful. And I’m looking forward to university. i actually will be going in the year I turn 19, so I have some time to do things like a legal gender/name change (thankfully very simple once you’re 18, where i am) and hopefully get a binder.

i also will be doing a driver’s test once I’m 17 and i think i can do the theory earlier. which will mean i can get places on my own. So yeah, honestly, things aren’t that awful and they’re looking up. But for now it does suck.

urgh i've started my period and i haven't gotten cramps yet but it's already awful. had a bit of a breakdown talking to my mom today over all this stuff i've been talking about and how bad i feel about not eating right and not getting all that much exercise and like, my body, and like how immediately miserable i am day 2 or 3 of being off the active pill. and i know my dad isn't trying to shame me i know he loves me and he's trying to help but he always is calling me out on eating so much and like . i'm not Trying to do that. and then later i'd calmed down a bit and he came downstairs and asked how i was feeling and i said "bad" and he was like "is it because you've been on your computer all day" but i fuckign hadn't, i'd just taken a two hour nap, he didn't even ask me what was wrong he just assumed and it felt awful. he did end up apologizing but it was just awful.

i hate this. i hate not being able to find food that's nutritious and that i like, i just eat tons of carbs all day and only ever protein at dinner, and lunch if i'm lucky. why is it so hard. i hate it. i hate having no control over my emotions. i hate having no control over my body. i don't like looking the way i do, even if i just had a binder i would pass wearing masc clothes, but i fucking don't and i'm stuck with this huge chest. and i'm short and curvy and i look less masc wearing my glasses and it all just sucks. and i just i dont know my mom thinks this period won't be as bad as the last one but i'm kind of . weird about it i'm scared it will be but there's also this feeling that it inevitably will be maybe even a weird hope??? that it will be?
thinking about it maybe it'slike. me wanting something to prove how much i'm suffering . god this sucks im tearing up

and i also just feel so bad about doing less schoolwork and more of the stuff i find fun than i should be . like it's just so hard to get myself to do anything i don't Want To. it's awful. and it's already so hard to get myself to do anything that doesnt involve a computer

Hi oliver-kittycat,

I'm so sorry to hear that you've been struggling. If it helps you feel even a little bit better, you are definitely not alone; I can relate to everything you've mentioned as a queer person with PCOS, especially what you mention about your gender euphoria with the hair growth vs the gender dysphoria with having a bigger chest! If you're seeking community, there are a lot of trans folks with PCOS (particularly on the ftm subreddit, if you are interested in that).

I can also say that what you've mentioned regarding your pain is not uncommon amongst people who have periods. Menstruation is something that is treated very... strangely in our culture, depending on the person and source of education. But a lot of individuals feel like period pain/cramps aren't something that 'warrants' pain medication or care because it's just something they have to live with. This isn't true! Your period/menstruation isn't a punishment or something that's put upon you to make you suffer. Things like pain medication, heating pads, comfort and care items exist to make your menstrual cycle easier on you physically and emotionally. You're a strong person and you don't owe it to anybody to 'prove' your suffering; you deserve care and comfort. What would you say to your friend if they expressed this to you, for example?

hi CaitlinEve!

it’s good to hear I’m not alone in all this lol

yeah, i don’t know. I guess it’s less about trying to prove the pain of my period than like, wanting to “legitimise” everything else I’m suffering with. Everyone understands and gets pain, so they understand how I’m feeling when I’m in pain. but the rest of my symptoms aren’t so well understood. the food cravings, the fatigue, mood swings, they’re a lot more abstract than something like pain. everyone kind of gets why i haven’t done my homework for music class if i had debilitating pain all week. Just saying i was tired doesn’t really have the same effect and people believe in that answer less and less the more you say it. Eventually they just think you’re lazy.
i guess i kind of want an excuse to not have to do anything that takes any effort. because if I’m not in pain and I’m just tired, well, everyone else is tired too but *they’re* doing their chores, so i should too. i guess it’s kind of like wishing you were sick so you could get out of school if that makes sense. i don’t know. i don’t *want* to be in terrible pain for a week but i kind of do? For the reasons mentioned above.
the cramps aren’t too bad this time around, so i’m still functioning. i don’t know

The way you describe your pain legitimizing your struggles makes a lot of sense and is very well-put! I'm sorry that you feel like you NEED to legitimize yourself though, instead of people just understanding that sometimes others need some time and grace. I know it doesn't feel good to be thought of as lazy for listening to your body and mind and giving yourself a break.

ahh i'm glad you think so!
yeah it sucks. i think it's just like. no one around me really understands and it feels like if i'm not trying everything i can to make it better, then no one is going to take my exhaustion seriously. but i genuinely can't do a lot of them, and i keep missing my floradix pills but i have no idea if those even actually help.
i don't know. i guess i just feel bad for nearly always wanting a break. and i know it's quite literally a chronic illness but it's just so hard to not be able to do things.

I think the first step to other people understanding you is understanding yourself. Give yourself time and grace too! You're your biggest advocate, so if you don't believe you deserve to take a break it impacts a lot in terms of how you feel about yourself and how you think that others feel about you too. Does that make sense?

yeah, that does make sense. i know i should be kinder to myself. it's just so stressful. i don't know, maybe i should try explaining all this to my parents a little.

i also know that a lot of the intensity i'm feeling right now about all this is like. Because i'm on my period. so. yeah. i'll probably be feeling fine in a week or two. but it still sucks. i don't like that it has this much control over me and my emotions.

I definitely think it would be beneficial to try to sit down with your parents and explain how you're feeling. Do you think your parents would be willing to listen? I think from what you've described, it would help to have your parents on your side with this because it seems like what they say really impacts you and how you feel (especially during your period!).

yeah, i think they would probably listen. i think like, they are mostly on my side and they're trying to help me. they just dont really get a lot of how i'm feeling so i think talking about it will probably be beneficial. i'll give it a try and probably come back and say how it went

okay well i talked to my mom and it didnt go great. which i understand bc she's recovering from a migraine and is trying to sort out dinner so she doesnt really have the headspace to like comfort me and listen rn. but talking to my dad isnt going to go well either because he is not great with emotions in general and i really do not want to deal with him potentially being like "well there is more you could be doing" and my mom said i shouldnt be on my computer in bed but like what the fuck else am i supposed to do i dont have energy for anything but being on my computer and i dont want to be around other people right now. because when im like this my brother is either too hyper or too grumpy and hes never quiet about either and there will be too many noises in a shared space and i just dont. want to. so i dont care that its the "rule" that i'm not supposed to have my computer up here.
she also said that she didnt want to be dismissive but a lot of this is hormones but i fucking KNOW that . she said "you don't have most of these feelings through the rest of your cycle" and she does not know that i dont. i hate this. i hate this. im sorry i just really need to vent

I'm sorry to hear that it didn't go great. You can always vent here! Is there anything we can do to help besides listening (like providing resources)?

do you have any resources on dealing with mood swings maybe? or living with a chronic illness?

Certainly! To start, here is an article focused on chronic pain which I think could be helpful for you. Here's another article focused on managing period pain in ways you may not have heard or thought of!

I also want to provide you with this article on PMDD. Although PCOS isn't PMDD and doesn't mean you have PMDD, you may find that it's helpful and could help explain some of your symptoms (or not!). I wanted to make you aware of what it is as well to make sure you know of another hormone-related menstrual condition that is sometimes manifested alongside PCOS.