Scarleteen

1. The guy I want is now being physical with someone else and I hate it.
2. I compare her to me. When I was with him, he didn't really go down on me but I fear he's going down on her.
3. I try to make myself cum but can't keep my mind on the sensation. Its like I'm trying to force myself to focus.
4. I'm always sad and never fully relaxed because he's always on my mind or worries on the future are on my mind.

Hi Nadia,

I'm sorry to hear that, I'm sure it's frustrating to have to see the person you want with someone else. However, your relationship with him and her relationship with him are different relationships, even if he is the same person. You shouldn't feel like you need to compare the two because at the end of the day, they're different situations and have different factors influencing them! If he didn't want to/enjoy going down in your relationship, it's likely that that's just something he doesn't enjoy doing in any relationship.

I also want to link you to an article that may help you work through your feelings. Although this article takes a polyamorous viewpoint, I think the information in it will still be helpful for you and your current situation!

Thank you.
Can you please help with point 3?

When you say that you can't cum, do you still experience arousal? What is distracting you from reaching orgasm; thoughts of this other relationship or something else? Orgasm is as much as emotional thing as it is a physical thing. If you are stressed, distracted, or upset, it would make sense that you're having trouble with that aspect of your sexual health. It may also be that you are masturbating with the goal of orgasm, which is making it feel like something you HAVE to do as opposed to something you can do for yourself.

I don't get aroused as much as I used to before I found out he's dating someone. Since then all I really do is cry in my room.

Hi Nadia,

that sounds really difficult. I understand how it feels to be just devastated after a really hard breakup and feel like all you can do is cry, trust me I've been there. I agree with Caitlin in their assumption that your trouble becoming aroused and masturbating probably comes from external stress and your emotional state. To send the right signals to our body when we want to be intimate with ourselves we often need to clear a lot of the other brain and body stuff that we deal with on a daily basis out of the way. It can feel impossible to focus on anything when you feel sad, distracted, disappointed, or frustrated, let alone allow yourself the relaxation that masturbation can help with. My advice is to try and give yourself a break, and if you do want to still masturbate, maybe try centering yourself before. Clear your mind of your ex, take some deep breaths, and tune into your body and non-sexual physical sensations before anything else. I know it can feel so hard right now but the pain will lessen in time. Giving your mind and body a break is important. Let me know if that helps.

Thank you. It's just when I think of intimacy, I think of him which then makes me sad. I don't know how to separate the 2 as he's my only real experience.
What do you mean by tune into your body' non sexual responses?

Hey Nadia,

I think Anya means all the physical sensations which aren't strictly sexual like "this chair feels comfortable for my back", "being in this hot bath feels warm on my skin", "slowing down my breath feels relaxing" - there are lots of pleasurable experiences which aren't initially sexual but can still help us reconnect with our body.

I think it's also worth knowing that some emotional states, like having a break up, experiencing jealousy when an ex partner moves on, are going to overwhelm some of your other feelings or needs, and sometimes interrupt your usual sexual activites, for a time, but accepting those changes and giving your feelings the time they need to calm down can often be the only thing you can do. That length of time can be very different for different people, and it may shorten as you gain life experience, but trusting that it will pass is one of the things that helps it pass.

It can also help to learn to try and learn to feel emotional pain without going too quickly to anger. Feeling pain can make some of us feel weak and vulnerable and so some of our defenses can fire-up as a result, and anger at a person who is no longer meaningfully in your life, can feel sort of empowering at a time of vulnerability, but coming back to the vulnerability and letting those feelings pass while you do things for your emotional self-care is the only way.

The big issue here is I am still struggling to accept that he has moved on. Even though he's been with her for 4.5 months, it's hard for me to move on because I am hoping he will come back. Even though he has said we do not have personalities which are compatible. Also Even though he's seeing her, he does message me here and there at night

Hey Nadia,

It can certainly be even harder to accept that someone isn’t meaningfully in your life anymore when they’re still there in some capacity, especially when they text you at night. I know how difficult it can be, and how tempting it is to think about them possibly coming back with that type of communication coming in here and there.

I do think it’s worth giving yourself space from him as you move on; either by not reaching back out when he texts, silencing his notifications, or telling him directly that you’d like space to move on and for him to not contact you. At this point, because he is with this other person and he’s told you that he feels you’re not compatible personality-wise, any communication from him or with him may just hinder progress towards moving on. But, with that in mind, would you like to talk a little more about how the process of moving on has been? Do you have tools that help you in times when you’re feeling really sad about this, or would you like to talk a bit about what kind of tools might help?

Well I think what helps is him messaging as he does it because he's having x- rated thoughts about me, so in a way makes me think he's not being the most loyal of guys.
But my concerns are whether I'd be able to orgasm as much as I used to before finding out he's dating someone. I mean even then it wasn't that often but I was making progress which I think has now been halted.
Also I'm worried about what if I remember him when I'm with the next guy or if there ever will be a next guy

You know, it's probably going to be up to you if there's a next guy, and it may well be that starting to date again helps you move on. If we are only letting ourselves imagine or visualize one person as a partner, then it's obviously going to be pretty hard for us to let them go. Often, once we start to see other possibilities, and better still, start actually exploring them by meeting people, it usually gets a lot easier.

The other good news is that from this post, it doesn't sound like you two had a particularly great connection or relationship, so you also may well discover once you do start dating that your options are better than you've imagined.

Yes it was mainly physical, but he comes to mind if I start to think about s3x, so then I feel sad and no longer in that mood.
Will this just take time to go away?

It will just take time.

It can help remind to yourself of the choice to moving on by actually saying to yourself "I accept this and I'm moving on, it's just going to take time" - that doesn't necessarily mean you'll feel it right away, but reminding yourself of where you're headed can help you eventually get there.

Thank you Heather. I am telling myself I deserve better than what he was wiling to offer me and it helps during the day.
But my concern is regarding my thoughts going to him when I'm wanting to think sexual

Again, this will resolve itself in time.

But in the meantime, something you could do to help move that along is to explore different fantasies in your mind that don't involve him. To get ideas for those you can look to your imagination, to sexual media, even to mainstream media like R-rated movies with sex scenes or dynamics that are exciting to you. It may be that some of what you need to do to move forward sexually is to effectively fill up your bank with sexual thoughts that have nothing to do with him until the ones about him are the fewest instead of the only.

I don't intentionally think of him, but as he was my only experience, he automatically comes to mind.

I mean it's funny because before I met him, I used to be able to have fantasies which get me wet, but couldn't cum. But now I can cum, but haven't done so in while because x rated thoughts remind me of him and I get sad/annoyed.

Nadia, are you interested/ready to start dating again? This might sound really cliche, but as well as exploring new fantasies, there often really is nothing like a new partner you're excited about to help an old partner, especially one who it doesn't sound like you had anything all that great with, fade into the background.

I am trying to get to know other people but I can't begin to tell you how difficult it is with the quality of men out here. My friends all complain about the same thing *sigh*

I am someone who dates people of every gender, in my fifties, no less, and I hear you. No matter what gender we date (I promise you it's not actually any easier with women or nonbinary people), the dating landscape can be pretty darn challenging.

But it also sounds like this last guy you're hung up on wasn't so great himself, so if you want a partner, my best advice is to go ahead and keep trying. If it's at all motivating for you, know that while it sure can take some time, those of us who do just keep at it do tend to find partners we connect with in time.

I've been caught up on this guy for 2 years *sigh*
and the worst thing is he was honest with his intentions from very early on, 2 weeks into talking.
Sometimes I wish I would have pulled away in the beginning, but for some reason when he disrespected me the first time and brushed aside my feelings, my mind just said don't delete him. I then deleted him when he disappeared the following month, but accepted his request after a few weeks. I've tried therapy but I don't know - he's on my mind all the time.
I know if he was dating a friend, I'd advise her to stay away. I mean 2.5 months into this new relationship and last week (even though he knew it was bad) was asking me intimate questions *sigh*
I've deleted the conversation and haven't heard from him in a week.

Hi Nadia,

I honestly think that this is a pretty common experience for many people: that being involved with someone who doesn't treat you well can be a surprisingly difficult thing to untangle yourself from. A bad relationship can be intense, with dramatic highs and lows, and the inconsistency of the other person's attention and affection can make you feel kind of obsessed with trying to get more of it. And when you like or love someone, it is tempting to give them the benefit of the doubt, even when they're telling you things that don't sound good.

I think it's great that you're working on separating yourself from him by deleting your conversations — you could also consider blocking him as well so he can't reach out again (though I know that's hard!) One approach that I like to use to process my feelings after a breakup is to write a letter to myself where I explain to myself why me and that person aren't a good fit and it's good that we're not together anymore. Then when I'm sad later and missing them or considering talking to them again, I can read the letter and remind myself why that's a bad idea. It sounds like you really do believe now that this guy is not good for you and really doesn't share your values in general — not the kind of guy that you want to date or even would want your friends to date! I think that writing or talking to someone you trust about that part might help you a lot as you try to move on.

I've tried talking to paid therapist, unpaid therapist, about 4 friends, chatgpt and posting on here lol

I get it! And it's good to have a wide variety of people to talk to. But I'm curious about whether your conversations have focused on the part about him not being a good fit for you and him not sharing your values? Here so far we've talked a lot about how you miss him and still feel sexually attracted to him — not that it's not important to talk about all of your feelings, but sometimes talking about and dwelling on certain thoughts and feelings makes them stronger. So if you talk and think a lot about missing him sexually, you might continue to strongly feel that way, whereas if you focus on talking and thinking about how you DON'T want to be with him because he doesn't treat his partners well, then it may be easier to move on.