Question about first time PIV Sex

[AtEquilibrium]

I'm (23 F) and my boyfriend is (24 M). We were both virgins. We both do a lot of foreplay, I'm not nervous about sex/penetration. The first time we attempted PIV sex, he could not get inside at all. I can insert two fingers comfortably, and when I'm really turned on, three, but it feels uncomfortably stretching. That time we didn't have lube on hand and it hurt so we didn't try anymore.

On saturday, we attempted it again, with ample amount of lube. He was being really slow and gentle. But at the entrance it really hurt. We kept trying slowly, but suddenly I felt a really sharp pain and a bit of sound, and it hurt a lot - it made me slightly tear up. We stopped immediately. I am not sure where my hymen was then. I always assumed it was a cresent shaped thin layer, I could feel obstructing a bit of my vaginal entrance.

So we waited some time and when he went in again, he could penetrate me much easier and it was hurting less. We didn't notice at first but then we found that I was bleeding. A good amount of blood. I went to the toilet and found that crescent shaped layer was gone.

We didn't attempt anymore PIV sex. But I bled tiny droplets of blood throughout that day which lasted until the dawn of next day, I think. Now it's fine but it's a little tender to touch and when I touch the outer "ring" of my vagina I feel some tenderness.

I'm just really frustrated. I read up various online articles and they all said sex shouldn't hurt if you're prepared and not tensed. I'm kind of confused if the part that tore was really my hymen or something else. Is penetration going to get better? I mean it's true that I didn't get any clitoral stimulation before my partner tried to penetrate me but we did other stuff. Maybe if we try that penetration will feel better? I never thought that I would bleed during sex. Or it would be so painful. We come from a conservative country and I don't know who to ask. Gynecologists are also super judgmental to women having sex outside marriage so I'm scared to go and ask them in person.

[KierC]

Hey there AtEquilibrium, and welcome to the boards.

When folks say that vaginal entry shouldn’t be painful, they’re right in that if you’re feeling pain you should stop. But truly, there are no “should”s when it comes to your first time having sex. The first time can be so different for everyone based on a variety of reasons — whether you’re relaxed or aroused, whether your partner is attentive and present, whether your corona is a bit thicker and needs more gentle stretching… this can all impact how your first time feels.

They may also be referring to the idea that the corona (formerly called the hymen) gently stretches to accommodate insertion, but when it happens with not enough lube (as you experienced), or with not enough gentle stretching, and feeling aroused and relaxed beforehand, you can feel that sharp-stretchy pain. From what you’re describing, it sounds like you may have had an injury to your corona, because you didn’t see that same crescent-shape tissue after. You can read a bit about that reasoning here, and some other reasons why you may have experienced bleeding during sex: One Bloody Mess: Myths and Realities of Bleeding With First Intercourse. Something about the corona, too, is that even if it it’s still perfectly intact, it can still relax and stretch to accommodate vaginal entry: this is where arousal comes into play, too. It sounds like you’re doing foreplay, which can really help with preparing for vaginal entry. Maybe leaning more into feeling full arousal before attempting vaginal entry could be a helpful step to incorporate. For example, incorporating clitoral stimulation as you mentioned, may be really helpful! Have you spoken to your partner about incorporating that, and maybe more vulva massage or gentle stretching with fingers, before attempting PIV sex again, after waiting until you feel healed from this injury first?