Anxiety around sexuality has made it so hard for me to be close to other people, what can I do?

[tyler29374]

Hi! I posted a message to the advice column a couple of weeks ago, but haven't heard back yet, and they said that not all questions get answered so I thought I'd repost it here. Thank you in advance!

Hi, Scarleteen!
I’m a sensitive 16-year-old AMAB boy, and since I started puberty a couple of years ago sex has made me really nervous and uncomfortable being around other people. I think it does sound sort of fun now and not disgusting anymore, but my increased social awkwardness and isolation that comes from having sexual feelings makes it feel so not worth it to have them at all. I’m not uncomfortable around it in certain ways that a lot of people are - I can talk to my parents about condoms or STIs or sex ed without batting an eyelash - but I get nervous and uncomfortable when my dog sits on my lap, and I only feel comfortable hugging people from the side or leaning way over so my torso and legs are nowhere near theirs, and I'm anxious and can never truly relax about really any kind of closeness whatsoever. This is partially because it makes me uncomfortable myself, but also mostly because I'm worried about what if I get turned on or something and it's really creepy and I hurt them. Or what if I accidentally cross the line between platonic closeness and sexual closeness, and then I’ll have hurt them and our relationship. And I’ve always hated how isolated and awkward most men are around closeness, but I’m worried maybe there’s nothing else I can do because it’s the only way to not hurt people. I have anxiety about this even when I would never actually want to do anything sexual with the other person. But I can't stop worrying that I'm dangerous or creepy. Am I? Or is this just what it feels like to be a teenage boy, and be constantly thinking about sex or feeling sexual feelings even when you don’t want to be and would never actually want to do anything sexual with the other person? Or what it’s like being a sexually-mature male person in general?
Either way, I’m wondering if there’s anything I can do to be able to be close to people again without being so anxious and awkward, because it feels so lonely to be like this.
Should I talk to a sex therapist? I'm chronically ill and sensitive and I'd be worried about not finding one who actually understands both of those and wouldn't try to pathologize me.
Sorry if this question makes no sense or is too weird.
Thank you!
Tyler (not real name)

[HannahP]

Hi Tyler, welcome to our boards! Your question makes perfect sense and is entirely appropriate to ask here, no need to worry.

I hear you saying that you feel anxious in situations where you think you might get turned on, partly because being turned on makes you feel uncomfortable and partly because you're afraid someone else might notice and that might make them feel uncomfortable. Does that sound right?

I want to start by saying that I think it's very common for teenagers to feel weird and uncomfortable during and after puberty when it comes to their sexuality — it's a totally new, intense experience that can be hard to understand and feels out of our control! Of course that's going to take some getting used to. Figuring out how to relate to your own sexuality and how to interact with other people who you may or may not be attracted to is a real challenge that will take some time.

It does sound like this is causing you more anxiety and distress than anyone would want, though. It sounds like you're experiencing a lot of fear and shame about your sexuality. Sometimes we can pick up messages about sex from our family, religion, community, culture, friends, etc. that make us feel like sexuality is a bad or dangerous thing and those ideas can be tough to shake. Do you think you've heard any messages about sex that are causing you to feel so anxious? Why are you afraid that you might hurt someone if you got turned on around them? Can you walk me through what your fear is? Once I have a better understanding of what your anxiety is about, I can recommend a couple articles from our site for you to read, and then we can talk about them together if you'd like that.

The last thing I'll ask for now is whether this experience of anxiety is a new one for you and if it's only related to sex. You mention potentially being interested in talking to a sex therapist, but it strikes me that a "regular" therapist could also be very helpful in managing this anxiety, and it might be easier to find one that meets your other needs as well. How do you feel about that idea?