roller coaster for my feelings

[PomPom]

for the past few months i started thinking (and trying to convince myself) that i’m straight, i wanted to see how it will sit with me, and all this stuff. it was okay, and i almost accepted that i AM straight, i even started talking to boys and all this stuff. and then a girl appears in my life. we’ve met each other at theater club in our college, but after some time we both stopped going there, and we just see each other sometimes in the hallways. and at first, when we were meeting at theater club i felt nothing. then at some point when we met in the hallway, she hugged me and told me that i’m “pretty as always” i feel this slight dizziness, like pleasant one. then it happened again. i thought that i just like her attention, the compliments, i’m pretty much an attention seeker myself. but then, at one day, she came to me in the cafeteria, hugged me and we had a small talk. i felt my heart flutter and my cheeks went slightly hot. i spent a whole evening thinking about it, and i thought that i might be bisexual, and i might like her, somehow, someway. then every time we see each other, or i think that it’s her in the hallway, my heart beats like crazy, really, different from before. at first i thought that i’m head over heels, but after a few days it hit me, this crazy beating of my heart it’s fear and shame. i feel it every time when someone sees my drawings or some other work that i don’t like, and i’m afraid that they’ll judge me. and i don’t know what to think. i feel like i’m straight, i felt like i’m straight, i don’t want to build family with a woman, i don’t want to have sex with a woman, but i felt dizziness from her touch and words, and then i felt fear. i don’t know what to think about it, and i can’t help but think about it all the time, i would like to hear your opinion on this

[Sofi]

Hi PomPom. I noticed that you have written to us about this topic several times, and most of those times when we reply with more info, questions, and/or resources, the thread ends there. Before anything else here, I wanted to check if you had a chance to read all our replies in the past, so I don't repeat myself or send you a resource you already read. Truly, my answer won't be any different than everyone else's has been - sexuality is not "all or nothing", and you don't have to label it (and if you do, it's okay for that label to change over time). Too, I notice some perhaps internalized homophobia in your sentences like not wanting to build a family with a woman, despite having had romantic feelings for women in the past. Is that something you'd want to talk about, dismantling those feelings of shame and guilt?

[PomPom]

yeah, i read them again before texting it. my main concern that i thought i was feeling something and then realized that half of it were fear. i’m not sure about inner homophobia, but maybe i do have one? i don’t know, i used to want have at least relationships with woman, and sex, but now? i don’t know. i find male body more aesthetic and it feels like a man can give me something that woman can’t? like protection? and i really don’t want to have sex with a woman and built a relationship, i don’t like boobs. i’m from russia so relationships here is still kinda traditional (a man paying for woman and all this stuff) i think it will suit me, and this it what i truly need(??) but also it seems like my mom’s words got stuck inside of my head. also i think sometimes that most of bi girls will end up with a man, and there’s no point in even trying getting into relationship because it will end, and i’ll find myself a man.

[Sofi]

I think there's definitely some things coming up from your upbringing and society that are biphobic, for example - the idea that most bi women end up with a man anyway, so I wanted to share this resource (it is addressed to bisexual men but it applies to anyone!): Hi, Bi Guy: Dealing with Internalized Biphobia
I think this will help you understand some of these thoughts and feelings and hopefully start to deconstruct them.

That said, if you genuinely don't feel sexual attraction and/or romantic attraction to women, that's of course okay. I'm just going off your posts in the past, and the way you're talking sounds like you're trying to convince yourself you don't like women. Also, people can and often are bisexual but heteromantic, or heterosexual but biromantic. Like I said earlier - sexuality is really a whole spectrum and is not all-or-nothing.

I do want to point out that it's not true that men can protect you more than women, or give you more than women. That is not only false but slightly offensive to almost the entire Scarleteen staff and volunteer team, who are queer and/or women. I know you don't mean it that way, but I had to mention it so moving forward it's clear that around here, we don't see men as superior to or stronger than women in any way, and while it's perfectly okay if you do end up with a man, it should be because you love him and not because you think he can give you something women can't.

Let me kow if that resource I shared was helpful, and what your thoughts are about it, and we can go from there!

[PomPom]

oh, i’m sorry. honestly, my feelings for both sexes really messed up. i might think that “woman needs a man” but at the same time, sometimes i think that it’s harder to ACTUALLY trust a man, because “not all man but always a man” and if i’ll be completely honest, despite the fact that i love my father, sometimes i think that he’s a man too, and he can do something to me, even though i don’t have any evidence? he acts like normal loving father. but still rarely i get this feeling.
i don’t know about attraction to woman, because i used to have one, now i feel like i don’t have one? i just don’t like boobs? but i would love to try to have a dominatrix, or have a threesome with a woman and a man.
and if i, for example, can feel romantic feelings towards woman and romantic and sexual feelings towards a man what should i do with it? because it feels like this still won’t work for me and i will date only with boys. it’s important for me to have both romantic and sexual attraction towards someone to be in a relationship with them, so it’s like useless to me.
also i really wanted to talk about this situation with girl from college, because how could it happen? at first i didn’t feel anything, then i stated feeling some sort of attraction? or something close to that, and then, when i admitted this to myself i started feeling fear.

[KierC]

Hey there PomPom,

I hope it’s ok I’m popping in. I agree with Sofi here, that a lot of what you’re saying is rooted in biphobia and essentialized gender roles, and that these biases are likely the crux of your feelings surrounding your attraction to this girl.

As we’ve said, sexual attraction is one of those very fluid, not-so-easy-to-pin-down topics in life, and it introduces a level of ambiguity that can be uncomfortable for a lot of people. But when you don’t sit with this ambiguity, when you try to reject it, it can cause a lot of mental anguish. I suspect that’s part of why you started feeling fear when you admitted your attraction to yourself — you’re operating on some pretty black-and-white assumptions about gender and sexuality, so it makes sense that any counterpoint to those assumptions would strike some fear.

With that in mind, I want to call you in to reflect on these biases and see how they may be impacting your feelings about the attraction you experience, and how you see the world around you. I’m going to say some things about some of these biases we’re seeing in your language, and some of this may be uncomfortable to hear — please feel free to take time and sit with these words. Untangling biases is hard work that takes time, but it’s necessary work that you can do!

1. To start, I heard you say that you “just don’t like boobs” — it’s okay that you don’t prefer breasts, but this is a very limiting understanding of attraction to women and of women in general. Women are not defined by the presence of breasts; many folks who identify as women do not have breasts, or have had their breasts removed, and I would set aside “boobs” as any sort of indication of how you feel about women. You can certainly be attracted to women and also not prefer to engage with breasts sexually, and it sounds like you are experiencing that now.

2. I’m also hearing more biphobia in your response — you don’t have to “solve” your attraction to multiple genders. Too, even if you do end up with one partner for the rest of your life, that doesn’t make you “secretly straight” or “secretly gay”: this is more of the ambiguity I’m talking about — sexuality is not just “am I straight or am I gay,” and believing that to be true can cause a lot of crap feelings for yourself and the people who hear you say those things.

3. Last, it sounds like you also have some internalized biases about gender and bodies. I want to invite you to reflect on those biases, particularly the bias that “male=strong body that can hurt me” and “female=weak body that can’t protect me” — these biases only keep you from truly connecting with other people, as you’re seeing with your thoughts about your dad.

To reflect, some guiding questions to ask yourself:

- Where is this bias coming from? Is it from religion, culture, parents, school, etc.? Some combination of a few?
- Do I know this bias to be true in my own life? Do *I* really see it as true?
- Who does this bias hurt?
- Does feeling this way serve my mental health?
- Does feeling this way help me connect with people?

When you’re feeling ready to talk about some of these biases, we’re here for you. <3