Scarleteen

Hey,

As the title says, I'm 18. I've been identifying as asexual for the past few years, as it was the label I was most comfortable with. However, recently I've been having what is essentially a series of vague sex dreams, as well as what I think is sexual attraction to a friend I've had a crush on for years. If I'm not ace, the overwhelming consensus seems to be that I'm some kind of bi. I really don't know.

Honestly, it was a combination of several things that led me to believe I was ace. Growing up, my parents treated any sort of romance, let alone sex, as completely taboo. I mean I wasn't allowed to watch most Disney movies because of it. My parents aren't religious or anything, but my dad is protective to a fault and I suppose he wanted to keep me innocent or something. Even now, I've never had any sort of sex or romance discussion with my parents, I haven't been told anything about being allowed to date or not, and I still feel like I have to hide anything to do with romance from them. I just don't have the permission nor the support to engage in these kinds of things, even though I'm a full-on adult now lol-- I still live with my parents and am dependent on them. Other than middle school sex ed, which was basically a course on abstinence, I have had no preparation for this sort of thing.

To add to this, I have OCD and am transmasculine. I suspect that the OCD has definitely contributed to my disgust with sex in the past. My complete inability to picture my body as my own in a sexual situation, as well as my strong discomfort with female roles like girlfriend, likely stem from dysphoria. Working through that, I think I may be more receptive to sex once I am more comfortable with myself.

Finally, I can only get off to one specific thing when I masturbate. I have tried to fantasize about sex or about sexy people. It does not work. The only time I can feel satisfied is when I imagine this one scenario that in the real world has nothing to do with sex at all, and it's immensely frustrating. I can't relate to other people who find each other hot because, while in theory I am capable of being attracted to various different people, this attraction doesn't go any farther than that. I also don't really understand what the whole "being attracted to bodies/genitals" experience is about. Is this something most people get? While I appreciate the aesthetic beauty of a fit body, it doesn't get me hot and bothered or anything. I am completely ambivalent about breasts and pecs. They're bits of tissue covered in skin. The only thing that has ever gotten me aroused, really, is the specific scenario that I discussed above. Other than that, I will sometimes have an intrigued reaction from things like someone raising a graceful arm or speaking in a pretty voice, especially if it's the person I like. But I've never been drawn to more genital areas. Not sure if that's at all normal.

I really don't know if any of this would be fixed if I actually had sex with another person, which I haven't done. I don't even know how sex is supposed to work. Every time I try to picture it, it just looks ridiculous or impossible, and I have not worked up the courage to do any research about it/watch porn or anything. Maybe I just have a bad imagination?

Not quite sure where else I'm going with this, so I'll wrap it up here. TL;DR: I have zero romantic or sexual experience. This frustrates me because I would truly love to have a partner. I'm not even exactly sure what sex is. Where do I get started. Is this even something that I want. Help

Hey there, coldnose.

You know, it sounds like me like the way to get started is to just go ahead and try some things and see how they feel when they are actual rather than theoretical. The kind of first starting place I am talking about isn’t sex with someone else, but just starting to pursue dating. I think that in order to start to get a sense of what, if anything, you may want from another person sexually, you'll have to start getting to know people and seeing how you feel with them.

The good news is that you can tell people -- be it in an app profile or when talking to someone directly -- that you're in a questioning space, and can't say for sure exactly what you want yet, because you're trying to figure that out. Even at my advanced age I have encountered plenty of people in that space dating, and it's never seemed like a big deal to me (probably especially since as far as I am concerned, few of us know what we want from someone in particular, anyway, until we meet them and see what our vibe is).

As far as working out what sex is, does a piece like this -- What's Sex? -- or this -- Sexuality: WTF Is It, Anyway? -- help get you any more clarity?

Thank you for your reply! Those articles were immensely helpful; turns out that I had a very limited view of what sex really is. I agree that I should probably try getting some experience before I confuse myself further with the what-ifs. Coincidentally, I've been planning on asking out my aforementioned friend, hopefully this week if I get my act together. I am pretty nervous about it, but am hoping I'll be able to follow through.

I'm curious if you know of any stories of people who've been in a similar boat, who had no idea what their desires were before they had sex? I'd also love to know if it is normal for people to experience the same "muted" sort of attraction that I described in my original post. Are there people for whom physical/genital attributes aren't a turn-on? What I experience is a curiosity about what it might be like to touch that person and whether I would like it or not, as well as a general desire to be close emotionally and physically (like hugging).

Hey there Coldnose,

I’m so glad those articles were helpful! And I totally agree, it’s a great idea to start with pursuing dating and getting to know people, and asking out this person sounds like a great first step. Would you find it helpful to talk a bit more here about why you’re nervous about asking them?

To answer your second question, it might be helpful to know that there really is not one “standard” way to experience attraction, and plenty of folks do experience attraction that is non-genital. There are so many different parts of people you can be attracted to, and many ways that folks describe their attraction to others: including sexual, romantic, aesthetic, emotional, sensual, intellectual, social, platonic, … these are all completely valid forms of attraction, and not one of them should be put on a pedestal (though society loves to place romantic and sexual attraction up there). There are absolutely other people out there for whom the sight of thought of genitals isn’t an immediate turn-on. I would honestly say it’s more common to be attracted to other things about people first, anyway, like social, emotional, or sensual attraction like you described in your post. All that’s to say, I really don’t think you’re experiencing attraction in an abnormal way. It sounds to me like you’re learning what you like, too, which is also a completely normal experience to have before having sex.

How does all of that sound to you?