i think he's cheating on me..

[itsxafx]

i can't believe i'm even here right now writing this.

i'm on my third (suspected) UTI in two months, and my doctor has decided to test me for pretty much everything, including STIs. i stupidly read up on symptoms for some of the main ones, and now i'm spiralling. everything seems to be coming together (or so i think).

when we go on dates i genuinely cannot get him to put the damn phone down for 5 minutes. he even takes it to the bathroom with him. when he's here he barely puts the phone down either. it's highly annoying.

i feel like we've drifted apart massively. he's suddenly way more hygienic than he ever was, but sex seems to have dried up. the past few days he's talked to me way less than usual. i've been to his house a grand total of once. he says this is due to his super religious family and not liking his love life and family life to cross over. there's hardly any affection now, unless we're in my house.

i feel like i've gone crazy. all i can think about are the times he's snapped at me (the worst being him telling me that me and my family would all die of a heart attack with the way we eat), the sacrifices i've made to please him and gotten nothing in return and his general change in behaviour towards me. he even "accidentally" uses friend terms with me sometimes, which is new.

[Heather]

Hey again, itsxafx. I'm so sorry to hear this, especially after the conversation we were having the other day (though this also does give me some different ways to think about some of that, now).

The way he has talked to you sounds pretty shitty, and anyone snapping at a partner all the time isn't being a safe or healthy partner. Every now and then we all have bad days and lose ourselves, but that should be rare and when we do things like that, we should also be taking responsibility and then working hard not to do that. It doesn't sound like that's the vibe here. We also shouldn't feel like we have to sacrifice a ton of things to be in a relationship, and if one is asking that of us, I think it's always worth checking in with ourselves about with an aim of stopping that pattern ASAP.

I'm hearing what sounds like a relationship that may have run out of track here well before now: this sounds a lot like how things tend to be or get when a relationship is already over, but the people in it are still showing up, you know?

I can't speak for if your partner is operating outside what your exclusivity agreements are or not, but before we get to that or much else, I want to ask you: what do you want to do here? Is this something you want to stay in? If so, can you tell me a little about why? What's still good about it, and what does it offer you? If you don't still want to be in it, where do you want to take that from here?

[itsxafx]

he was very apologetic about snapping, even though it still kind of hurts that it even happened in the first place. it's only ever happened twice out of the entire 10 (wow, time flies) months we've been together. the first time was because of a nervous laugh when he bit his tongue, and i don't fully remember what triggered the second one. i think it was because he was having a health anxiety moment? these behaviours have not been repeated since.

my sacrifice was pretty stupid in hindsight. i wanted to go to london to see my friend (expensive!) for her birthday. he wanted to go see his friends in his home county (approx 200 miles away, also really expensive by train) so i gave up london as he really, really wanted to do that. my first time meeting his friends had gone horribly. neither of them said a word to me the entire time. so i was like "fuck that, you're on your own". i regretted it more the closer the trip got and through an extremely generous loan from mum i too found myself on a train there, so the regret and bitterness is much less than if i hadn't have gone. this friend was lovely.

i just feel so confused. he's still saying he loves me and doesn't want to lose me, but this change in behaviour isn't exactly saying so. i do so much for him. he even says he wants to marry me if things are still good after a few years, but my resentment of the odd crappy day, comment or action and feeling as if my needs aren't being met right now is making it so hard to feel the same way. i did before, i just don't understand why that's gone now.

[Heather]

Is it possible that your own feelings have been changing?

As an example, the way you worded it before, it made it sound like he was always snapping at you, when it instead is these two times. Do those two times feel outsized, or does it just feel like that's in the air? If so, it might because you're kind of on high alert for bad things because *you* are feeling done or dissatisfied, which it's sounded like you might be in the last couple posts. It also sounds like you haven't felt particularly secure in the relationship, which may have been why you made that choice about your trip?

Now, personally, talk of marriage in a relationship where a couple is obviously struggling doesn't give me comfort, it makes me concerned. After all, marriage really sticks you to something, and being stuck to something that doesn't feel great to all concerned isn't good news, that's bad news. A promise of a commitment later also doesn't address relationship problems happening now.

So, let's try and start with you, separate from what he is or isn't doing right now: what does this relationship offer you that you love and treasure? How is it great for you? How doe sit feel like it benefits your life and supports you? Is it actually feeling like what you want in an intimate relationship? It doesn't sound like it.

[itsxafx]

it may be worth noting that this is my first relationship after abuse, so i'm on constant high alert and can have a hard time relaxing and feeling safe. incidents like these can feel huge to me in the moment because i flip back into survival mode.

he's supported me through college and eventually dropping out due to a change in my own circumstances health wise and outside of the above scenarios i do feel loved and supported. we're both autistic so i feel very able to relate to him on a much deeper level than i would with most people. we have lots of shared interests. when i do bring up problems, he's very happy to listen to me and do what he can to fix those or work through them. he encourages me to put myself first which is something i've typically had a hard time doing in the past. he makes me want to be my best self.

i have talked to him since about how i'm feeling in general as i'm under a lot of stress and it went really well. he sat and listened to me, answered my questions (i did genuinely feel he was truthful with me) and promised to do better going onwards. we discussed what happened when we stayed together, our feelings on it and what to do going onwards. this means i've identified the cause of sex drying up and feeling like we've drifted.

i believe another side to this problem is when i'm in a bit of a crap mood for whatever reason i tend to see the worst in things/only look at the bad while ignoring the good. so even if something is 99% good, if i'm feeling bad i will fixate on that 1% that's bad. now that i've allowed myself to just feel what i was feeling and had that talk, i feel much better about things. i'm going to his house next week to help put together an old desk that my grandparents offered, so i feel better about that too.

his lack of communication during the day is down to work, where the customers have been basically non stop and he's been stressed about it. the hygiene thing is because he'd noticed himself (i didn't want to bring it up. there aren't many polite ways to say "hey, you smell kinda funky down there") that he needed to improve.

as for my trip, we've agreed that this will happen but it needs to be ideally in the new year as things may be cheaper then.

[Heather]

I completely understand what you mean about how it can be in a first relationship after abuse. (I'm so glad you were able to get out of your abusive relationship.)

I also think that sometimes, after an abusive relationship, we can have a fairly low bar for the next relationship: sometimes just having it not be abusive feels like such a huge thing that it can be easy to miss that maybe a lot of other things are missing. I'm not saying that's necessarily the case here, I just think it's worth keeping in mind.

It does sound like there are a lot of good things that have been part of this relationship, some of them that can be quite hard to find (like another autistic partner, and someone being open and responsive instead of defensive when there is conflict). I can see why this is something you're inclined to hang on to, if I'm understanding correctly that you do.

Can I ask if you have a therapist? I ask that because that thing you mentioned about going to all the bad bits when you're in a bad way, as well as some of the other things you have brought up here, sound to me like things a good therapist can often help a lot with. You might benefit from having another person to talk through all of this with besides us and your partner, and who also is going to have a different way of coming at this.

So, it does sound like you haven't talked yet with him about your concerns he's being dishonest with you about monogamy: is that something you feel able to do? How able do you also feel to talk about something like agreeing to some times when he can unplug from his phone?

(Btw, I am heading out for the day, but other staff are here and I will also be back in the morning.)

[itsxafx]

i have applied for therapy, waiting for the initial assessment to see what they can offer.

i haven't had this concern since after seeing him a few times and talking to my friends about it. i did bring it up, not in an accusatory way, and it is confirmed that i'm not being cheated on.

i think it may explain a lot if i told you that this relationship started technically before my last one ended. not physically - i saw him as someone i could lean on and feel safe with when the shitshow was happening in ex's chat. ex was very mentally ill and went as far as faking a heart attack the second i began hanging out with now bf. so i have some lingering "wait, did i cheat on him?" guilt as this relationship really did hit us both like a freight train. if i hadn't had that argument, me and bf most likely would still be people we only talk to occasionally.

[Jacob]

Glad you're on the waiting list itsxafx!

Going straight into one relationship when the previous one hasn't ended yet can certainly be a lot. You haven't had a lot of time to be with yourself and process everything that has happened.

Is that maybe something you'd be open to? Taking a break from this relationship to do that?