Period here? Color meaning

[Opal111]

Hello. First off, I know that sperm can spread from multiple surfaces from hand, to surface, to other hand or any of that. Sperm will DIE.

Though, my partner’s possibly late.(idk how it works) What does it mean if the pad’s lightly brown, yellowish? Does this mean the period will start soon? She also spots for days beforehand. My partner knows her body, but i’d like to know more myself, rather than I go to other sources. Thank you!

[Andy]

Hi there!

Vaginal discharge can be a variable and a brown color might indeed indicate incoming period. You can read more about it here: Honorably Discharged: A Guide to Vaginal Secretions

Also, did you girlfriend tell you about the discharge? As you say, she knows her body the best so she might be your best source of information about that.

[Opal111]

Yeah she did. She found it odd so it made me a little worried. I’m..REALLY trying my hardest not to relapse and spiral again.

[Andy]

I’m wondering that since a lot of your anxiety revolves around your girlfriend’s body and cycle, if it would be helpful for you to ask her not to share information like the one about discharge with you?
Also, do you have any strategies you can use when you feel the worries crop up again?

[Opal111]

She usually does share with me, but to be completely honest I don’t know if it helps me or not. Reassurance seeking and what not.

I have good methods of self care, but sometimes it can be overwhelming. I am trying though :,)

[Andy]

That makes sense, it might be something worth thinking about and maybe even trying out if it helps or not and then you can always reevaluate the decision based on that.

That’s good to hear you have good self-care methods! And I can imagine it’s overwhelming sometimes, but from your history with us we know you are doing your best to manage the anxiety so I think you should give yourself a pat on the back for that!

[Opal111]

Ok so..she stopped bleeding. And now she’s late by a few days. I’m really panicking now because this never happened often. I am so confused because what I did can’t cause pregnancy. Unless it miraculously did. But IDK. It’s been really hard to stay calm

[Latha]

Hi Brian! I'm sorry it has been so hard to stay calm recently. Let's see if we can figure this out.

Since a lot of your anxiety revolves around your girlfriend's cycles, I think it is important to remember that the body isn't a machine. We can try to predict how it will work or make estimates, but there is always room for variation. This is natural, and not something that requires concern. You shouldn't jump to assuming that any change must have been caused by something you did because there are so many factors that can influence your girlfriend's cycle.

I know it is really hard to think yourself out of feeling this way, but I wonder if it would help to focus on the things you can control. On this list are the safer sex precautions you take with your girlfriend, and the actions you might take to help her if pregnancy ever occurs (though that is not possible in this situation). Beyond that, your girlfriend's cycle and its variations are not your responsibility. You don't need to think about it or question how you might have influenced it. If something is outside your zone of control, you have permission to ignore it — it is not your job.

Worries like this are only a sign that you should check the facts once — they are not evidence that something is wrong in and of themselves. You do know that what you did can't cause pregnancy. If your anxiety is telling you something else, that doesn't mean you're confused or that you need to keep looking for more evidence.

Maybe we can extend this idea. What if you thought of your anxiety as another being that you are in dialogue with? Your anxiety wants the best for you, so they tell you about all the things that they think need your attention. But this time, you've already done your due diligence — they are just mistaken. Imagine yourself telling your anxiety something like 'I know you're worried, but I have checked, and I know that pregnancy is not possible here.'

I see that you're concerned about miracles. If you are religious, ask yourself why a saint or god would cause a miracle that would hurt you and your girlfriend. To my knowledge, miracles are supposed to be helpful. And if you meant that in the sense of 'what if the impossible happened', remember that we should keep our evaluation of risk firmly grounded in the available facts.

How do you feel about this?

Whatever happens, I agree with Andy: you deserve to feel proud of your efforts to manage anxiety. Even when it is hard, try to appreciate yourself and be kind to yourself.

[Opal111]

Thanks guys..it means a lot. I’m learning to stay calm right now. I distracted myself all day and went to group therapy which helped a lot!

I am religious actually, or my parents come from a religious background. They told me many times that if I do anything sexual and get someone pregnant my life is ruined. Her parents as well so it’s kind of scary to us to want to explore sexually with such a burden over my head

When it was late before, I panicked as well. Maybe it was for this as well.

The reason why i panicked was that I was masturbating in the bathroom and ejaculated. However, I used those hands on the showerhead, shampoo bottle, and what not. It made me panic, yet I know that’s not hiw pregnancy works. So for now, I just dk what to do Do i just do nothing?

[Latha]

Hi Brian,

Your parents have told you a terrifying story, so it makes sense that you’re afraid. But you have to understand that it is a false narrative, born out of their/society’s fears and hang ups. Sexual exploration can’t ruin your life. If you don’t have the kind of sex that can cause pregnancy, no one will get pregnant. If you do and use birth control, it is very unlikely that your partner will get pregnant, because birth control works. And if your partner does get pregnant, both of you have options: abortion, adoption, raising the child. These paths may be difficult, but whatever you and your partner choose, an unplanned pregnancy doesn’t inherently mean that anyone’s life is ruined.

On the subject of abortion: I know the politics around this are scary right now, but you can rest assured that your access to abortion services is significantly protected in California — the right to abortion and contraception has been added to the state constitution.

Should you just do nothing? Kind of, but not exactly. Anxiety often misidentifies the sources of our problems. It tells you that you have to worry about pregnancy, even in situations that pose no risk. I would not recommend doing what your anxiety wants here: questioning yourself and looking for something that you must have missed. This interrogation is a process that never ends. The real issue may be the type of overarching fear that you mentioned earlier, the sense that you’re doing something wrong by exploring sex, that you’ll be punished and your life will be ruined. So, if you want to do something, address that — build confidence in your judgement, and your ability to handle situations when they happen.

I’m glad to hear that you had a better day today. Going to group therapy and distracting yourself are not nothing, you know. This is the work that will help you feel better in the long term.

You might like to read this article: Impurity Culture: Pregnancy and Fear

[Opal111]

My family noticed my worry and my mom comforted me, telling me that everything will be okay too :,) the stupid thing is you’re right, I was trying to fix things and being highly alert for any problems.

Just yesterday I worried my sperm was still alive on whatever was in my shower at my home, shampoo, showerhead, or towels. That someone can use and accidentally get pregnant. She’s still spotting for what has been 1-2 weeks now, so I’ll just try to stay calm

[Jacob]

Hi Brian,

It sounds like you're doing a good job of calming your fears after all the stuff!

I think it could be really helpful in your situation to ask your partner not to share as much detail about what's going on with her cycle, given that most of what it's doing is providing information for you to fixate over.

It sounds like some of your early upbringing made you feel like you're 100% responsible for ensuring you never get someone pregnant, and responsible for all the bad stuff which would "definitely" happen to everyone as a result of that.

I just want to reaffirm the opposite here. Accidental, unplanned pregnancy is not a disaster, it's not a failure of any person. And responsibility is something you can choose to take based on your values, sometimes based on your religious views but never an automatic judgement that happens to you, without your control, before anything has even happened.

So what are your values when it comes to relationships do you think? Maybe if you can make a short checklist of realistic ways you want to be treating your partner, we can refer back to that?

Maybe than you can can switch to looking to that checklist instead of hyper-focusing on "I'm bad if someone gets pregnant" thought that takes over whenever it gets a chance.

We can also talk about what happens if you don't feel like you're living up to those expectations. (Spoiler: The answer is not disaster and eternal damnation!)

What do you think?

[Opal111]

Ok i think I’ll stop asking. The other thing that makes me worry is what if i got my family members pregnant too through this insane transfer of surfaces? I know it won’t happen, but my body just feels like it. Oh lord this is exactly like the scare i had in July..

The reason why i am so scared of accidental pregnancy too is that I just am NOT ready at all, and it feels like one mistake could make my future life much harder. I am really scared that my parents will hate me, and I will get what i deserve too..

I know you said to stop asking abt her cycle status,,but she has stopped bleeding in general and is now about a week late. Could the period have been light and it passed already? Because when we did our laundry,,the past few days beforehand her clothes were a little bloody.

[Heather]

Hey there again, Brian.

So, both since you're having such a hard time doing it, and because it's our way of engaging with this kind of thing, period, I need to set a couple limits with you at this point. We're not going to engage with reassurance seeking around ways you are worried about pregnancy happen that it can't happen (and that we know you already know can't happen, save when your anxious brain takes over), or circle back to talking about your girlfriend's cycles (which we can't speak for even if we wanted to: we aren't menstrual psychics, alas!).

That said, one thing we can talk with you about, and that I think we should talk about, is if you really think it's right for you to be in any kind of sexual relationship right now, being sexual in any ways at all that involve genitals. It very much sounds to me like this is creating a level of stress and anxiety for you that is not manageable, and that you do not feel ready for.

If you're open to talking about that, what do you think? Is the sexual activity that's happening between you and your girlfriend really great for you both when it is happening, and something you feel like is very beneficial to your relationship and both of your lives? In other words, does it offer enough earnestly good stuff to balance out all of this stress and worry? Or might you instead feel better (and heck, maybe you both would), taking a step back from being physical in the ways that give you any worry until you feel very differently about it, so that you can be sexual without also being so stressed out and scared about it all the time?

[Opal111]

..I don’t WANT to be not ready. But every time I feel ready, all of a sudden i relapse. I think i shouldn’t continue with these activities. However, I still struggle with being a burden and feeling like a let down when refusing sexual acts. I do know it harms in the long run, but I really want to believe i am ready. I want there to be nothing wrong at all! Yet, here i am making more problems then solutions.

I hate these irrational fears because it prevents me from being the best partner i can be. Yet here we are, still stuck on the same problems as months ago.

[Heather]

I understand not wanting to be in a place we're in, for sure. I also know that with things like sex, it can feel really frustrating not to be ready or otherwise able when you want to be. But I also think that whether we want to be ready or not doesn't tell us very much about if we actually are or not. Like, I can *want* to be a neurosurgeon real bad, but that all by itself doesn't mean that I'm ready to go operating on people, you know?

I'm glad you've said some about how you feel by not being ready, and I'm sorry to hear you feel some of these ways. I'm going to offer you up a few things I hope will be helpful.

We don't owe anyone sex, ever, not in any situation or any context. In fact, not only is sex not and never should be an obligation, if it feels, in any way, like it is, there's already a problem all by itself. We can't really make sound decisions about sex if we aren't fully free to make them: if we feel obligated to be sexual, it gets really hard to actually center what feels good, not just physically, but emotionally and otherwise, and it even limits how much we can freely consent.

By all means, if someone wants to have sex with us and we say no for any reason, they may well feel disappointed. But if they are someone themselves actually ready for sex, this should not be a big deal. Disappointment is a bummer, but it's not one of those really hard feelings: most of us can manage disappointment just fine. Too, when it's about this, about sex with someone, no one who cares about another person, even in the most basic way, will want them to be having sex withy them because they don't want to disappoint them. Put yourself in the other person's shoes here for a minute: you sure wouldn't want your partner to be being sexual with you when it made them feel bad just to keep from letting you down, would you?

I think that this will all go better for you if you do your best to just accept your thoughts and feelings instead of beating yourself up about having them or trying to push them away. I get that this is obviously super frustrating for you, but you know, if you're not ready, you're not, and it's okay that you're not. But since you want to be, I think that starting by taking some steps back, and then seeing what you can do to work on things like learning how to manage anxiety (probably with the help of a mental healthcare provider, but maybe a book or two if that isn't within reach just yet), accept yourself where you are, and also accept that you're not responsible for anyone else's disappointment is going to be the way to go. I think those things will actually get you to feeling ready in time, whereas continuing to have sex that leaves you feeling like this is only going to keep you stuck in this loop.

How does any of that feel or sound for you?