How to deal with hurt from a one sided sexual relationship

[Nadia91]

Was in a 7 month situation with a guy which I entered into as he said when things get too stressful at home, i can meet him for a d appointment, to which I replied I'm nt going to meet just to go down on you to which he replied it'll be about the 2 of us. But over the 7 months,
1. the 2nd time we met he barely went down on me, kept getting me to go down on him but promised he'd change when I bought it up afterwards.
2. Another time when I said I don't want to go on him, i had to repeat myself and physically move myself as he wasn't listening.
3. Again he said he'd change, and it took him weeks to convince me. When we met again as he said he'd make it about me. I mean he went down for a long time, and I know this because straight away he said he'd done it for 30 minutes. Note this was him going down because he wanted to, not because I asked him to.
4. When we met another time, he was using his fingers so I said please I need your mouth and he did that for such a short period of time, it felt like a few minutes.
5. Usually as soon as we'd meet, he'd make the priority on him so I'd pull it back to me and say its a 2 way street. On the phone he said that makes me selfish and girls are usually more focused on the guy's pleasure.

This all happened between May and December. Then in June this year he wanted to start things up again. I said no because he always makes it about him, to which he said its because I turned him on so much that he needed to come and that he's learnt his lesson and will come before we meet, but I stopped trusting him by this point. But now he's dating someone else and a part of me regrets not giving him another chance. But at the same time it hurts how selfish he was. I mean even when I stopped speaking to him end of June, I wondered if I should give him another chance in July, but I was sure he'd go back to his old ways based on experience. But now I want him back :'(

Otherr things to note, there were a few moments when he'd make it about me, but for example he'd say you do this to me first and then I'll do what you want. Or the thing I want him to do would be a major turn on for him. Its nearly a year since this happened, and we've spoken here and there over the past month. I messaged him back in May this year how much his behaviour hurt me, especially since he knew I was going to him for an escape from everything bad happening, but he said that he didn't know so i told him how would he know as when I tried to tell him in person he'd just laugh nd wouldn't say much when I told him on message. In May he asked me for forgiveness in the same conversation, and said let me make it up to you, but as he'd previous said that as per point 3 above to just throw it in my face, I said theres nothing he can do to make it up. We stopped speaking (my decision) on 30th June, but i wasnt able to let it go, so went and told him in August in person. He apologised, but he said he didn't care until the point he saw my reaction in August which in my opinion voids the May apology and that hurts.
Now I feel stuck over this matter because like I said to him in person he August, he knows had he said to me let's meet just for me to go down on him, I'd never agree. I feel like that's all it was about which is why I stopped in June, but then he convinced me to start again in July (as mentioned in point 3 above) but then towards the end of the year would start pushing me to go down on him again, and when I'd say via message how about you go down on me, he'd suggest 69 or would say you go down on me first.

[Jacob]

It sounds like you gave him plenty of chances! I don't think he needs any more...

I also want to point out that when he said "turned [...] on so much that he needed to come" that was really manipulative. Nobody "needs" to come, but he put the blame on you for "turning him on" which is a classic combination of making it your fault while at the same time as sounding like a compliment.

I'm not completely clear from your question on where you guys are up to right now. Are you both just texting at this point?

It sounds like he gave you a certain amount of praise, kind words, and attention, which I can totally understand missing, and wanting, but I'm not seeing anywhere here that he's given you respect.

Maybe it'd help to remind yourself that you're allowed to have mixed feelings, but deal-breakers are going to ruin any of the good stuff you miss.

Like if someone made me a gorgeous meal, but then I watched them pour foul smelling poison all over it, I'm not going to eat it... and I'm not going back to that restaurant, even if they say they've changed. I might be happy to hear they have improved their food safety standards, but hell no am I going back!

There are other people to date and have way better relationships with, but it's going to be difficult to ask for the respect you deserve in those relationships.

It already sounds like you have the right gut feeling, that all of this isn't cool, but what do you think you need to help you break communication and move forward? How can we help?

[Nadia91]

So the convo went like this:
In March he wanted to start things up.agin but I said I lose out because I get attached and it always ends up being about you. I then blocked. Unblocked in April and he said that he's been really thinking and that he should have gone down on me more, but he was jus really horny, and should have come before meeting me.
Then in May/June it got bought up again and he said I should be happy or something that I used to turn him on so much.

Now we haven't spoken since Friday. I started the conversation the past 3 times, but the time before that he asked for my snapchat which I said I'm not giving him if he's dating someone else.

Right now I'm crying non stop because:
1. I feel like I should have given him another chance as he said he knew where he went wrong, but that doesn't explain his behaviour over message when I'd say go down on me and he'd mention mutual pleasure or going down on him first.
2. I am so hurt by him making it about BJs which I sensed he would but when I said I'm not meeting for that, he said it won't be jz about that. The hurt is more so because he mentioned my situation at home and said I could spend time with him for a break.
3. I miss him so much.
4. He's now dating someone else.

[Nadia91]

Also just to add he said sorry over messaging May this year when I mentioned how hurtful his behaviour was, and said sorry again the 2nd time I mentioned it. But then in August in person he said he didn't care up until he saw how it impacted me in person.

[Jacob]

An apology can be nice when you get it, but it doesn't suddenly mean that person is trustworthy. I'm not seeing anything from his behavior to say you owe him any of your time, including going over these past scenarios. I get the sense that he might have been telling you what you wanted to hear to make his life easier, given the selfish vibe I'm getting from everything you've said about him.

A partner who is caring and good for us doesn't need to be chased down for an apology and doesn't keep pushing our boundaries (for what seem like 100% selfish reasons) and doesn't force us to always be the one do the work of saying "no", or having to repeat again-and-again what you want from the relationship.

I know you miss him, but I really don't think he sounds all that great! What if you stopped communicating with him and gave yourself some time to move on?

Things can feel really foggy, confusing and stressful when the boundaries have been blurred, and even your ability to know that something is definitely over is affected. So how about instead just straight up deciding to make a big decision for yourself that it's over?

It sounds like another part of what is keeping you stuck is imagining that this could have been different somehow, but from what I can see, having given him another opportunity to push your boundaries and to break your trust would just bring you back to this exact same place down the line. This here, is the reality.

[Nadia91]

You think he wouldn't have changed?

[Nadia91]

Also just to clarify by situationship, I meant he was clear it was just to be physical so don't think the term partner applies, but I just don't understand what I ever did for him to be so selfish

[Jacob]

Sorry I meant the word 'partner' in a waaaay more general way to mean "person you get intimate with" including everything from hookups to romantic pen-pals - everything. Either way though - crappy behavior from any kind of partner/hookup is still crappy behavior!

To your questions: I don't think you did anything to cause him to behave the way he did. Those were his choices not yours.

And do I think he would have changed? I don't think I've heard you say anything he has done to imply to me he has changed. The ways he's been speaking to you, and partially how you've been speaking to him, have kept the door open to going back, but only slightly - which in itself shows me that there are seemingly still some pretty poor boundaries in that connection.

However though it certainly looks like bad news to me but I wouldn't want to make any decisions for you. It seems like the place you've struggled the most has been making those kinds of decisions for yourself. To help with that I think whatever you can do to help you feel grounded in the reality of the situation, do it!

I'd focus on what you know about his past behavior, not what you suspect or feel about how it might go in the future.

And then you're going to have to trust yourself to make decisions based on what someone has actually shown you about how they operate and how they get what they want.

[Nadia91]

Hi, you were right about him not changing. I messaged him, we got reminiscing and he said he prefers stuff done to him, which I guess is in a way selfish, but fine?
The thing is saying he'll change each time I'd say I'm leaving because i want 50/50.

[Jacob]

So... why believe him about the changing?

You say "The thing is..." as if this is new or different information from the first sentence.

From what you've said, he's someone who only cares about getting what he wants. That kind of person is being honest when he says he "prefers stuff done to him" and for the exact same reason is going to lie by saying he'll "change" - both things are about getting what he wants.

I'd prefer it if he would be more honest with you about how he's never going to behave any different, because you seem to be having a hard time ignoring his blatant lying.

Think of it this way: if I stand in front of you at my 5'6" and tel you I'm 8 foot tall. Does it change how tall I am?

This person is telling you everything you need to know with what they've shown you. I think you can ignore all his words, stop communication forever and be better off for it!

[Nadia91]

Sorry I wasn't clearer.
Now he's being honest about preffering things being done to him.
When I said "the thing is..." I was referring to back when he kept asking for new chances by saying he'd change.
Now he's dating someone else and is messaging me, but I'm now wondering what I saw in him!

I guess my struggle is I can't comprehend using someone for my own benefit, I am annoyed because why lie?

[Jacob]

Excellent!

And I totally get you. I am devastated at the thought that someone would think I used them, or had been lying to get my way with them... It sounds like you're the same, it can make it hard to believe that someone truly isn't affected by how they hurt others. But they exist!

It sounds like you got pulled in, there's no shame in that, but it's important to remind yourself of what's real.

Would you consider blocking his messages?

There are situations where you can be friend with an ex, but that requires boundaries and he's not being great at those - otherwise dating one person and texting another person wouldn't be a problem.

How do you feel about having him in your life now you better understand what he's about?

[Nadia91]

I don't want him in my life per se, but when I delete or block him, I create a false image of him in my head and go into delulu world. When he's there I'm faced with the reality of who he is. Like you say dating one person and talking to another isn't great, and I know it takes 2 to tango so am not putting all the blame on him. But I have attachment issues lol which he is well aware of

[Jacob]

I don't think there's anything wrong with dating a person and talking to another, depending on what you mean by talking! It sounds like by talking you mean talking in a way that is flirtatious or implies some sexual attention is being paid to each-other.

But I'm not super concerned about the ethics of that either, I'm more concerned about helping you work out what's best for you. It sounds like he still has your ear and can sometimes still leave you confused or questioning things, so it doesn't sound to me like keeping him around is going to be a sustainable way to get over him.

Surely you can't spend years of your life texting him so you never move on to the next stage. So maybe dealing with what your opinion of him after he's out your life is something you need to work through and come out the other side. At least then it's just your own compulsive thoughts you're dealing with, not his manipulative words.

I really feel for you in struggling to hold on to these things you know about him, though. So maybe there are ways we can make it easier to keep your truth safe from being overwritten by your imagination later?

Have you tried writing it down? I don't even think it'd be a bad idea to make yourself a poster if it helps saying something like - "I'm not getting back with [his name] , or messaging him because [all the reasons why he's selfish and affecting you badly]"

That poster can stay up for as long as you feel you need the reminder. Or it can be something else, but somehow, believing yourself and the lessons you've already learnt is a life skill we all need.

I know you talked about therapy before, and this is the kind of thing that could be looped in with a therapist, it can take a lot of work, and some scary feelings, but it sounds like it's going to be worth it instead of being stuck in this cycle forever!

[Nadia91]

By talking I mean reminiscing over what we used to do, him asking if I have gym progress pictures, talking about if we miss what we did etc so it's not small talk at all or general talk about wellbeing or work or family etc more what thoughts turn you on kinda thing.

100% he leaves me questioning things and it's usually what I could have done to make things better between us.

Yeah I have my list of reasons why he's nt right for me and my friends are always sending posts about why would you want someone who doesn't want you, do you really want to share with your kids a story of how you had to chase their dad to fall for you.

My therapist says me wanting him so badly is a low self worth thing.

[Anya]

Hey Nadia91,

After reading your conversations with Jacob I am left wondering, what do YOU want? It seems like there's a lot of focus on how to make the relationship better or make him happier in it, but what both Jacob and I are most interested in here is you. I totally understand the kind of relationship that makes you feel like you're never doing the right thing or leaves you wondering what else you could have done, but I think the best next step you can take for supporting yourself and your relationships with everyone else (your friends, partner, self) is to seriously think about what you want. Once you figure that out you can recognize if you are or aren't getting those things, and make a plan to see if you can make changes that feel good to you, but the first thing to do is to listen to yourself and your needs.

My favorite way to go about this is to write a list, but you could also draw it out, talk it out, or whatever works for you; the important thing is though that you pay attention to your needs and if they are being met. If they are, then it's a smoother process working up, but if you notice some of your needs are not being met by your current relationship I think it's worth evaluating what your options are for making sure you're taking care of yourself.

Not every relationship has to be 100% fulfilling, or like being with your dream partner, but knowing where your boundaries are and what you need out of a relationships regardless of whether you're getting them right now or not, will help you identify choices that might be beneficial for you now and in the future. Does this make sense?

Heres an article of ours on making hard relationship choices that might help you visualize what I'm talking about.

[Jacob]

^ What Anya said!

An important task for you now is to shift from hearing and acknowledging words of support from friends and folks like us, to believing those things and building on versions of them that come from you and no-one else. Answering Anya's questions about what you want is a great start!

After saying them here, you can also make those wants and self-beliefs visible to you. Like having flashcards to revise for a test or singing in the shower before a performance, putting those beliefs into the air around you or stuck on the walls is going to be super helpful.

So let's start with the what do you want question! Not from him, but from any partner, including things you could give yourself.