Scarleteen

So I've been sort of struggling recently with being consistently happy.
The first term of this school year is finally over, so now that I'm on my two weeks of winter break I can just take a breath and sort of reflect over everything. I've been doing pretty okay, but for some reason these past few weeks I've been feeling the urge to self-harm. I had a consistent issue with sh during my freshman year of high school (I'm a senior now), and I haven't done it since then (hooray).
But for some reason I've been feeling down recently and the urge is back.
In general, I struggle pretty bad with anxiety. I've never been officially diagnosed by a doctor with anything (because I never went to a doctor and asked for a test or anything) so I don't want to make any claims that I have this or that, but I can say that I do definitely struggle with anxiety and I honestly believe that I've had bouts of depression throughout my teenage years.
I had some trauma when I was a young kid, which still affects me today and is the main reason why I had such a hard time freshman year. I haven't been able to fully work through that trauma yet (unfortunately) so I'm still plagued with the effects of it. The anxiety is usually my main struggle (and in general is always there), but recently I've been feeling more depressed. I'm used to having sparse amounts of energy in general, but lately it's been weird. I'm always tired and it's getting more difficult to be excited or happy about things, and when I am happy about something or just content in general, it doesn't last very long. I always seem to have something negative on my mind as well, which is frustrating.

About the sh, the main thing stopping me from actually starting again is that my mom would 100% know and find out and I cannot have that happen because when she found out freshman year it was hell. She was totally freaked out and absolutely hated the whole situation (which is understandable for a parent). I don't want to ruin the holidays either, so I don't want to even MENTION anything related to sh because I know it would totally freak her out and it would be just a miserable situation.
It just sort of disturbs me because I know that if there was no way she'd find out, I would be doing it again.
I thought I was starting to do better, but now I feel doubtful. Now that my highschool career is coming to an end, and I'm starting college next year, I'm afraid it's only going to get worse. I'm not the best with big changes and instability, it sort of throws me for a loop. I really don't want the beginning of my college years to start off with me having a mental breakdown or being spiraled into a bout of depression.
I think I'm just needing some advice on how to handle the sudden dip in my mental stability.
I'd really appreciate anything.

Hi sof_ia44,

I’m glad you reached out to talk about how you’ve been feeling.

I understand how it can be so frightening for a parent to find out that their child is self-harming. But, as I’m sure you know, there are better and not-so-good ways to respond. You really should be able to tell your family that you haven’t been feeling well without worrying about their reaction or about ruining the holidays.

If telling your mother right now will only make this situation more stressful, I can’t recommend it. But as it is, you may need additional support from a mental health professional to heal from the trauma you’ve experienced. It can be really hard to get though that on your own. A therapist can also help you develop strategies to manage the changes you’ll be going through over the next few years, along with your depression and anxiety. What would you think of starting therapy? How do you think your mother would respond if you asked her?

For now, try not to think in terms of absolutes. As you might have heard before, healing isn’t always linear. How you’re feeling right now doesn’t have to erase the fact that you were feeling better before. I understand your fear that this will only get worse, especially given the big changes that you have coming up. But that isn’t inevitable. The fact that you have felt better before, that you had a few years without self-harm, is evidence that you can feel better again - especially if you have support. And experiencing a depressive episode is never ideal, but if it does happen during college, you will have options.

Self-care is always important, but I think it might be a good idea to be very intentional about it right now. Plan ahead to incorporate it into your days — we have an article that offers some ideas, if you need inspiration. In your situation, I might have the urge to isolate a bit — if you are like that too, try to strike a balance between giving yourself necessary alone time and socializing, even if it feels difficult.

There are also workbooks on subjects like anxiety and depression that you could look through on your own time. If you want, we can give you some recommendations.