Figured out how to orgasm kinda but still stuck

[solartopia]

I made a post a year ago about my struggles with masturbation and orgasms, and while I can orgasm after a long time of rubbing my clit, it still feels kinda dull? When I get aroused, or when I think I do, I try to masturbate but I find myself being bored so I end up stopping or I try to force myself to have an “orgasm” though it’s weak and lasts 0.5 seconds. I still don’t get as wet as I’d like to, but when I do, i don’t feel any difference in pleasure.

I do it because sometimes I want to feel normal, in a way. I don’t really fantasize about anything, and I sometimes find myself asking “what does arousal even feel like?” Or if I’m doing something right or wrong because I don’t know what being mentally/physically aroused feels like, or if I’m even capable of feeling it.

I hope it makes sense

[Latha]

Hi Solartopia, welcome back!

This does make sense, don't worry! I'm hearing that while you've been exploring sex in new ways, and you have a better sense of how to orgasm, you're still struggling with feeling pleasure and arousal. Is that what you would like to discuss?

As I read your post, a few things stood out to me. The first is that forcing yourself to orgasm when you feel bored and masturbating because you want to feel normal are not motivations that are very conducive to pleasure. They actually seem pretty stressful. Not being interested in masturbation and struggling to feel arousal and pleasure are common experiences that people have throughout their lives. We can try to address these issues if you want, but they don't mean that you are abnormal or that there is something wrong with you.

Next, sex tends to be more pleasurable when you start by feeling aroused and allow that sensation to develop. Even though you're struggling to feel it now, I think it is quite likely that you are capable of feeling arousal. You may just need time to develop that sort of connection with your body and mind. Fantasies can be a great way to build arousal, though it can take some exploration and practice to learn how to fantasize.

Rather than focusing on reaching orgasm, it might help to spend some time exploring fantasies and pleasurable sensations in general. This will help with orgasms anyway — when you feel more pleasure during the process, it tends to lead to stronger/less dull orgasms.

How does this sound?

In our last conversation, I think you mentioned feeling a lack of pleasure outside of sex and struggling with self-care/love. If I may ask, how are you feeling about that these days?

[solartopia]

I’m not sure if I know how to develop that kind and body connection nor do I know how to fantasize. I’ve placed orgasming on some sort of pedestal and I become impatient and annoyed when I can’t reach it and I either stop, or force i, as I said before. I want to be able to fantasize, if I knew how to.

About the self care, I’ve been trying to incorporate it whenever I can, and I’ve been trying to reconnect with my hobbies and stuff. My mental state was horrible then and I’ve been going to therapy and started taking antidepressants a few days ago. I wouldn’t say it’s a complete lack of pleasure but it could always be better. But I guess that’s my fault for not trying hard enough

[KierC]

Hey there Solartopia,

For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s your fault or that you’re not trying hard enough to feel aroused. It sounds like you’ve been doing a lot to support your mental health and sexual wellbeing, like going to therapy, starting antidepressants, and asking for support here. I’m glad to hear you’ve been reconnecting with your hobbies, too; pleasure exists in so many places, not just with sex, and sometimes it can be really nice to reconnect with pleasure in other ways. It can also give you ideas of what fantasies you might like to explore! I also see we’ve sent you the Pleasure and Fulfillment article before, too; did you get a change to read through that?

I hear you that it’s hard to know how to develop a mind body connection like that, and how to connect with pleasure through fantasy. You already have a mind-body connection just by having both a mind and a body, but it may be a matter of practicing mindfulness, reflection, and checking in with how your body and mind feel in order to feel a bit more grounded. Developing a connection to your body is something that can happen gradually by practicing connection with yourself in small moments. For example, you mentioned that you’re starting to reconnect with some hobbies. How would you feel about taking one or a couple check-ins with yourself when you’re doing this hobby to see how you feel doing it? Some questions you can ask yourself in these moments: What feels good about this hobby? Are there certain senses that feel really good right now? Where do I feel the goodness, is it showing up in my chest, or my stomach, my feet, somewhere else? What kind of thoughts do I notice crossing my mind when I do this activity? Practicing that check-in when you’re doing different activities can start to remind yourself of the connection that exists between your mind and body.

On fantasizing: We actually have a great article on this if you’d like to read this: How To Approach Sexual Fantasy And Desire On Your Own Terms. It explains that fantasy is something you can practice and explore in multiple ways, including various types of media. Does reading this give you some ideas on experimenting with fantasy?

I hear you, too, that you feel like you’re placing orgasm on a pedestal. Sometimes, when we place something like orgasm way up there like that, it can get hard to reach even when we try! Something that might be helpful to remember, here, is that there are multiple phases of sexual response, and orgasm is one very brief part of it. You can read more about the whole sexual response cycle here: Sexual Response And Orgasm: A User’s Guide. With the whole sexual response cycle in mind, how would you feel about approaching masturbation without orgasm as the ultimate goal, instead focusing either on another aspect of sexual response, or practicing non-goal oriented sex?